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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I married a lie

269 replies

Achange · 03/01/2012 18:41

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

OP posts:

lisaro · 03/01/2012 18:49

I think you're asking too much. I understand you're feeling betrayed, I really do, but you can't expect him to live up to unreasonable expectations because of your past, which he's not responsible for. I do hope you can sort this.

pictish · 03/01/2012 18:50

I agree with Lisaro - he is not responsible for your past.
Looking at porn a couple of times does not a dealbreaker make imho.

I wouldn't tolerate being ruled by someones ex's mistakes...why should he?

Shakey1500 · 03/01/2012 18:53

It's not sad and unfashionable to not accept porn. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. And he knows this, has known it.

How are things otherwise? has he had ED problems? Are you happy otherwise? Do you love him more than you hate the porn aspect? Is it a deal breaker for you etc?

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 18:55

All I asked was not too look at porn
If he knew that wasn't possible for him at the beginning when we got together then why continue

OP posts:

Malificence · 03/01/2012 18:57

Asking too much? words fail me.

He knew how important this was, he lied. They were not unreasonable expectations, he agreed to this from the start, it's not unreasonable to expect your partner to keep their word on an issue that is a dealbreaker and they know it's a deal breaker.

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 18:57

Shaky I was the happiest I had ever been in my life a few weeks ago. I can't speak badly of him in any other aspect

But his lying makes me wonder what else he has lied about.

OP posts:

RealityNeedsANamechange · 03/01/2012 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 18:59

Malifence what do you think I should do?

OP posts:

RealityNeedsANamechange · 03/01/2012 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LapsedPacifist · 03/01/2012 19:02

Perhaps he was trying to sort his ED problem out by seeing if some extra visual stimulation could help with the problem. It is possible for a man (or woman) to like porn without being addicted to it, and he can be a "great family man" as well, assuming we're not talking about violent/underage stuff here. "Wholesome and proper" families can be appallingly dysfunctional too.

If you actually have had bad dreams about this for 2 years, and now feel your marriage is over because your suspicions have been proved correct, perhaps you should get some counselling about your previous unhappy relationships.

Shakey1500 · 03/01/2012 19:02

Can I gently point out that this was two years ago? And he may not have visited it in two years. He may also NOT have lied about anything else? I'm in no way suggesting that lying about it, or looking at it after you had asked him not to is acceptable. Maybe he had a moment of weakness and didn't come clean because he knew how much it would hurt you?

Do you strongly suspect he HAS lied about something else?

Leverette · 03/01/2012 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thisisyesterday · 03/01/2012 19:04

i don't think that's really comparable though is it reality?

does your partner have serious past issues involving smoking, and do you lie about it?

i can understand why the OP feels so strongly about this and why she feels betrayed yby her husband.
it may not be completely rational... but it IS understandable.
And I totally get where the OP is coming from now wondering if he lies about other stuff too.

OP I think you need to talk this through with him. Like I say, I can understand why you feel strongly about it, but I don't think it's worth throwing a marriage away for. It's ONE small part of your entire marriage. One thing. your entire marriage hasn't been a lie, really it hasn't.

thisisyesterday · 03/01/2012 19:07

OP you may benefit from counselling I think. both for previous issues and some relationship counselling?

i don't thin it's "normal" to check your partners internet usage, history etc as you seem to do

MmeLindor. · 03/01/2012 19:11

I understand that you have major issues with porn (and before this descends as all these threads do into a discussion of why porn is BAD), you really need to separate the idea of someone who watches porn from the person that your ex was.

I do not like porn, I would not like my DH to use it, I know about abuse that goes on in the making of porn and for that reason would prefer him not to use it.

At the same time, there are a great many men and women who look at porn while still being a decent person.

Yes, he knew that you felt this strongly and he should have resisted. He lied to protect your feelings, and of course to protect himself.

I think that if you have dwelled on this for 2 years, that I can understand why he lied.

Do you know how many times he has looked in the past two years? Has it been an ongoing thing?

Malificence · 03/01/2012 19:11

Ahh, I read it a bit wrong, I thought he had admitted to continuing porn use, if it is the case that he truly hasn't visited porn sites in the last to years you really do need to find a way of letting this go, maybe some counselling would help?
This doesn't make him like your ex in any way shape or form, lying is wrong but he was probably trying to protect you in his misguided way, unfortunately he's dragged this out for two years and that has done more damage than his original lie, that's the real issue - does he realise tha damage he's done?

If he does and he now realises that honesty is the only way to function, can you forgive him?

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 19:13

I havent spent every waking moment thinking about it- it is more of an occasional feeling that would creep up on me. The only way I can describe it is like a sixth sense.

Shakey this is the problem with a liar- you question everything. I would rather he had enough about him to be upfront that he wasn't prepared to give porn up. Better than dealing with a liar.

OP posts:

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 03/01/2012 19:16

You feel the way you feel about porn and that is fine and acceptable, of course it is.

You have been having bad dreams about your DH using porn for two years, which seems not excessive (it has bad connotations for you) but maybe unhealthy for you. I think that you are attaching your insecurities and issues from your past to your DH's use of porn. If, say, your abusive ex had enjoyed drinking gin after he had been abusive to you, you might well feel against having a bottle of gin in your kitchen cupboard. I think that it's what you associate the porn with that is the issue.

I obviously do not agree with him lying to you. He knows your past and you need to have that trust. I also do think that you are holding your past against him. You haven't married a lie; your DH has made a mistake. I would really push for relationship counselling. Is he a good husband other than this?

AriesWithBellsOn · 03/01/2012 19:18

It's not sad and old fashioned not to accept porn.

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 19:19

I probably do need counselling. I think leverets is right that I associate bad with porn

I have considered that I have but him on a pedalstool as the perfect man and some sort of absolute opposite to my ex

Maybe I have been expecting the unobtainable from him

He is desperate for us to go to counselling but I feel a bit raw right now

OP posts:

Portofino · 03/01/2012 19:21

I too thinking you are making too much of this. The smoking example is quite apt. You have a bad habit - your partner is REALLY anti it - so you lie to keep the peace. If it is only an occasional thing of course. It would be better to discuss it an open and adult manner that block bans. If it is a deal breaker for you though, that is fair enough.

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 19:22

Yes baubles nail on head. It's the connotations

And fear. My ex started with porn moved onto dogging and webcams with finally escalating to trying to sleep with my family member on the night he just seen his daughter born

I suppose you can say this left its scar

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 03/01/2012 19:22

The thing is, though, that people have to have a right to a private life, even though they are married. I would hate to be married to anyone who made me live by their rules and didn't allow me any privacy.

The 'no porn' rule was your rule. It wasn't something he felt he would do if he lived without you.

Incidentally, malificence, do I remember this correctly? Did you say once on here that a man (or I suppose woman) shouldn't masturbate without telling their partner?

TongueTwister · 03/01/2012 19:24

Are you sure there isn't something else bothering you? Aside from the porn 2 years ago?

Original poster

Achange · 03/01/2012 19:26

Tounge it is the lack of trust
Also I do feel deeply insecure right now as I put on a huge amount of weight with dd2 and feel very unattractive. Suppose it's the terrible timing too

OP posts:

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