I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

Because possibly he had no intention of doing so. But he did, for whatever reason, once, two years ago, and has come clean, and wants to go to counselling to prove to you he loves you and realises how much it has hurt you.

Eitherway, he can't "un-lie" to you now can he? So what would you like him to do?

Your right Shakey. I suppose I just need time and space x

He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't though.

If he is tells you the whole truth, can you honestly say that you would accept it. If he were to say, "I have on occasion looked at porn".

he knows he has fucked up and is trying to limit damage.

You can either let it go and try to regain the trust or have it out and deal with the revelations.

I think you need help op, or end up very lonely. You are punishing him for your exs mistakes.

I don't agree with habitual porn users who know their wives will be really upset.

I also do know there are male non users but they are in the minority.

You say this happened two years ago. Not a regular thing. You've since married and had a child together? So you've not moved on have you? Why did you put the both of you through this? Marriage, baby, moving on. But all this time you've been yanking his chain over it haven't you? Hence getting the confession Christmas time, now rehashing it all.

The reality is he looked at a tiny bit of porn, you chose to carry on and intensify the relationship knowing this. Giving him so much shit now isn't on. You may find he gets sick of it and it's no longer your decision to make.

I didn't exactly plan on feeling shite over Christmas.
I thought I could believe him back then but the nagging feeling that not all was well was still there.

But your last sentence struck a chord and I have taken it on board

I've read this thread very carefully and you said:

"He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube."

This implies that his last visit to this site wasn't 2 years ago, but is something he has been doing on a more regular basis. Have I got that right OP?

I don't think anyone has the statistics to say that 'the majority of men use porn' but I agree that there is an expectation that boys and men will use porn at some time in their lives. There is a lot of social pressure on boys and men to do so, because it has been so normalised that they will. Many adult men however, reject porn later on, especially when they become fathers and/or they discover how some porn is really made.

There is actually evidence that secret porn use can be a 'gateway' to other harmful behaviours, such as interactive sites, financial infidelity in paying for more extreme porn, as well as RL sexual infidelity. You were not over-reacting about that at all, but I don't get this sense of doom about your husband actually.

Try to break this down into small chunks. You were explicit about your expectations around porn. Your husband had the responsibility to tell you he wouldn't meet them. He didn't do that, but chose to lie instead. He continued to choose to lie - and is I suspect lying still, especially with regard to his motives for using porn.

If your husband is an occasional user of this particular site and no others, giving it up is unlikely to be a problem for him. Is he prepared to do that? He's got the right to say he will carry on as before, but the responsibility to tell you his decision.

What he doesn't have the right to do is to continue lying to you - even if those lies were motivated by a dual wish not to cause himself grief, or you, upset. You are not a child who needs the truth withheld from her.

I'd approach this with him from the point of view that you understand why it can be difficult in our society for men not to look at porn, but that it is and always has been a dealbreaker for you. I would ask him for honesty about his past and present use and then agree your boundaries together. From everything you say about your husband and your marriage, I think you can both get past this with honesty.

Is this about him looking at porn once or twice, or is it about him doing something you didn't want him to do, or is it about control over him and his actions?

Erm, have you seen his thread on here, OP? It's about you.....

For what it's worth, I do not think what's happened is worth breaking up the perfect marriage for,if it's as good as you say it was. I reckon that he hasn't really realised what a massive issue it is for you and thought that if he just keeps it from you then it can't do anyone any harm. He was wrong to think that, but I really don't see it as a deal breaker, more as something to discuss during Relationship counselling. I agree, I think you can both get past this wtih honesty.

And as cheesey as his thread is, at least it shows that he's mad about you. Maybe his heart's in the right place. Sounds like he just made a massive mistake and has realised how much he's upset you.

Where, Curly?

Things I love about you.

Grab a bucket first.

Can't believe the kicking you're getting on here OP.

You stated a boundary that you had in a relationship, and he proceeded to ignore that boundary and made the decision to lie about it too.

You've got every right to be upset. And it means that you didn't have a perfect relationship nor is he a good man. How are you supposed to trust someone who thinks it's OK to lie to you just because they want something? Porn isn't sacrosanct, men can live without it.

It's also creepy as hell that he's using Mumsnet to garner support for himself when it's your source of support.

That's if it IS the OP's husband. We just kind of assumed.....

If it IS the OP's husband on that other thread, then him lying about watching porn isn't his only crime......

No I agree op set a boundary and that's that. She has a right to be upset.

BUT this has been going on TWO years, she's been niggly and banging on about it for two years. She then proceeded to marry him and have a child with him. Which in my opinion was exceptionally cruel. If she never had any intent of letting it go or didn't think she could move on. Why put her and him through two years of grief and hope for a ONE OFF porn find.

This reminds me of another thread on here today where the woman was unfaithful years ago and ever since he has used it as a stick to beat her with. Rightly she is now seeing sense and what's what and realising she has to go.

This was two years ago, op has since married him, had his baby and is still re hashing it. I personally think he must love her for staying. Not many men would put up with that cruelty. Someone they love constantly rehashing things, when you think you've moved on. He is being punished for another mans mistakes.

If that is the OP's husband, then I think it is rather sweet but clumsy. And you know what, any man who writes that down deserves to be listened to. I once asked DH to write down things he likes about me and he got stuck after three things.

Thunderbolts
I don't see where the OP is getting a kicking. Most posters have stated that they understand her objections to porn and are trying to help her work through the issues she has.

Could you link to the other thread please.

Telling her she has issues because she doesn't like porn and doesn't like being lied to is giving her a kicking. As if there was anything wrong with her feeling that way.

Have you seen the contents of pornography these days? Any woman that doesn't mind it, really does have issues and needs counselling I'd say.

I agree, Imperfect, that if a woman were to post that she made a mistake 2 years ago and her husband at first professed to forgive her but was still going on about it, we would all be up in arms about what a controlling bastard he is.

Not that I am saying that you are abusive or controlling, OP but we do colour our responses depending on whether it is a man or a woman posting the thread.

Where is this other thread goddamit?!

I don't think that OP has had a kicking. I think she's had some good advice and support, actually.

I haven't seen anyone suggest that OP has issues because SHE doesn't like porn. I have seen people suggest that she might have issues that need addressing because she has reacted so strongly to her husband looking at porn. It is fair enough to be initially pissed-off and have a massive benny about it but to have bad dreams about it two years on suggests that she does need some counselling. NOT because she doesn't like porn but because bar abuse/serious trauma, there shouldn't be much that haunts you in your dreams after two years.

"Have you seen the contents of pornography these days? Any woman that doesn't mind it, really does have issues and needs counselling I'd say."

That doesn't mean that her DH has gone out and looked for the most sadistic/degrading porn he can lay his hands on...

I haven't read his, supposed, thread but from this one I'm afraid I think you sound a little possessive and controlling. There may well be understandable reasons for that but your past is not your DH's fault.

If he's looking at RedTube he's probably seen some nasty stuff. The nasty stuff is in the mainstream now. It's what porn users like.