I feel like I married a lie

[Achange]

I have been with dh for 4years and only married 1 year

I have a dd from a previous relationship and dh and I have dd2 who is only 3 months old.

My last realtionship was awful I was abused and cheated on by a man who I found out was a sex addict who used porn. This man made my life hell including trying to sleep with a family member on the night dd1 was born and I was in hdu.

As you can imagine I wanted my next realtionship to be the opposite including no porn. Dh knew this and although he very occasionally used to use it he said he had no interest anymore and wanted the same as me; a wholesome and proper family

About 2 years ago I saw in his history he had clicked on redtube but not gone any further. This was enough to upset me and dh assured me it was weakness and never happen again. But I saw it again in his history and he made up so e rubbish about clearing out an old hard rive. He kept to this story for 2 years

But I knew he was lying and kept having bad dreams about it etc

He finally admitted two days before Christmas he visited redtube.

He tells me he did it as he had ed problems at the time and was so scared I would get fed up he wanted find other ways to please me. Yeah right.

I know it's sad and old fashioned not to accept porn but I'm sorry but I can't and dh knew this and did it anyway and lied two whole years. He presented himself as some great family man and "not like other men".

It's all a lie.

Thunder
I have no idea what redtube is, so based my opinion on general porn (suspect I am pretty sheltered and happy to remain so)

That's generalising a bit, Thunder.

Viv Thomas makes pornography that supposedly depicts natural/emotinal sex and he is very popular and recieves more hits on the free sites than any other maker. I only know this because I read an article on "women-friendly" porn in Cosmopolitan I SWEAR.

If you're sheltered and don't know the contents of mainstream porn, what are you basing your opinions on here MmeLindor?

Here's an article from Ms Magazine about the contents of mainstream pornography if you're interested:

uts.cc.utexas.edu/%7Erjensen/freelance/pornography&cruelty.htm

He's talking about what you call general porn.

I just had a look at redtube and I'm not seeing any 'natural/emotional' porn on there. Surprise surprise.

I didn't know. about this for two years. I believed his lie for a long time.

I often have bad dreams about others lying to me in the past. Its maybe a curse but I can't describe it.... The dreams just come to me. It's like a sixth sense.

Does no one else get this then?

Max Hardcore when he was producing and Bang Bus were the top rated sites for UK users not so long ago. I don't imagine that's change to "nice" porn.

Maybe it was the top site for "women-friendly" porn Baubles. But anyway, it's beside the point. Redtube isn't "women-friendly" as you call it.

What baubles said. Thunder you are miss reading everyone's posts.

She has her boundaries, she doesn't like it. Ok fine. That's ok.

The issue here is it was two years ago, she has been having nightmares about it, she is still rehashing it. DESPITE marrying him recently and having a baby.

That is not normal, it's cruel. To keep using something that happened two years ago. Which you have since forgiven supposedly, married the man and had his baby. To keep bringing it up and punishing him is cruel.

Why marry him and fall pregnant a year later when she new, why do that and go on. It's ops continual reaction which suggests she does need help to get over her past.

As using this as a continual stick to beat him with emotionally will see her on her own. When she has been doing it for two years already.

Yes achange, I know what you mean about a sixth sense.

You were probably reading his body language and picking up on it. People give themselves away unconsciously when they lie.

BecauseImperfect, what's cruel is this guy lying about it for so long when he knew how much it would upset her.

Achange, you have to put us out our misery and tell us whether it IS him on the other thread?

Because

I think your misunderstanding. I found out days ago, not years ago

I think we need the OP to clarify whether her husband has admitted to using porn 2 years ago, but nothing since, or whether as I interpreted, he has admitted an ongoing, if fairly irregular habit. Whether what he has admitted to is the truth is of course, anyone's guess.

I've just seen that other thread mentioned about the abusive husband and the 'forgiven' wife, but IMO that is completely different to this. In that situation the OP admitted everything and her husband has been holding it against her ever since, with increasing abuse. The husband on THIS thread lied and admitted nothing till last week. If the OP forgives this, there are no further lies and she is STILL holding it against him years later, then it's a fair comparison with that other thread.

I wouldn't agree that the OP's H is 'not a good man'......I think he's done some bad things, though - especially lying to his wife.

Let's hope they've both put down their laptops now and have resorted to more old-fashioned ways of communicating........

Thunder
When I said that I was sheltered, I meant that I have not gone out of my way to find out about the kind of porn that is out there. I am quite capable of having an opinion without knowing the details.

It is hardly relevant to this thread, though as it is the thought of him looking at any kind of porn, even the more harmless stuff, that bothers the OP.

And I have not said that she should just accept it, only that she should think about his reasons for lying about it.

I didn't call it women-friendly, Thunder. That's why it was in quotation marks.

Knew this would turn into a foamy debate on the wrongs of porn when this isn't what the thread is about...

I'd have said that it's exactly what the thread is about Baubles. People are telling that the OP is overreacting because they don't see anything wrong with porn.

I'd argue that women who tolerate it are underreacting, but they probably keep themselves in blissful unawareness of its contents so it's easy to do.

Thunder, I think from ops posting she needs help wrt to emotional damage from her past relationship.

She chose to believe his explanation and chose to move on get married and have a child. Obviously she was never happy with his reasoning, so why do it? Give him hope? Giver her hope? It was cruel and not rational thinking imvho.

Why keep rehashing it all, getting him to maintain his lie for two years rather than move on? So now she knows he lied what next?

He looked at porn as a one off two years ago, despite moving on she has continued to question him for two years and is now going to punish him all over again for this lie.

Her behaviour is at best emotionall cruel at worst bordering on abusive. If someone makes a mistake and you believe the explanation you move on. You should not be using it as a punchbag years later. I give you the affair thread today. It is the same. Constantly questioning and punishing someone for a mistake that happened years ago is draining and y abusive.

Op has kept bringing it up, it's bothered her for two years, she got her confession before Christmas.

I think op is going to end up on her own sadly unless she addresses her demons. In fact I'd bet my house on it. Sadly. This isn't a pro or anti porn debate. It's the fact that neither is whiter than white in all this. But unless op stops punishing her dh for her past, he'll be her past too.

I don't really get why you don't think this man shouldn't have told the truth Because.

It was his lies that caused the problems.

No-one has said that (that OP is overreacting because there is nothing wrong with porn) Most of us have agreed that it is not old-fashioned to not like porn. You're reading things that aren't there because you want to rant about porn. I don't think that it's helping OP, tbh.

Thunder I think if you read people's posts no one has said that about the porn, intact the opposite.

Do re read them.

Infact* ipad

I think saying "I understand how you feel about porn" and then going on to say "but you're overreacting" is the problem. Those two statements actualy contradict themselves.

Porn is a big deal to some women. It's a big deal to the OP. She told her DH that from the start and he still lied to her about it. Now is it her reaction that's the issue here or is it the fact that he used porn and then lied about it when she'd said it wasn't something she was prepared to tolerate.

And you're calling her cruel, for reacting like this when she only found out about this a week ago Because. I think that's pretty horrible actually.

Again thunder you aren't reading the posts people are making. You have been pulled up on that and are now putting words in peoples mouths. Stop making stuff up, its embarassing when its here in black and white. You are determined to make this a rant against porn.

I understand her upset and anger, she had boundaries and feelings against porn. He used it as a one off two years ago and lied about it. All very hurtful.

What's cruel is op never believed him and hasn't let it drop for two years. It's cruel on the both of them. She went through with a marriage and had a baby, knowing she didn't believe him and she was going to keep pushing him until she found out.

Now he lied that's another two years of emotionally abusive grief she can give him. But I think he'll be gone before then for his own sanity. That is no way to live.

It's not cruel not to believe someone who is lying to you. Are you serious.

And you're still calling her cruel and emotionally abusive - that's not putting words into your mouth. Stop it.

I can't believe that the OP is being called 'cruel' - she believed him until a few days ago FFS, even though her instincts (correctly, it turns out) told her that he was lying.

She has not been cruel. He has.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

It is cruel. To forgive forget and move on. Marry have a child. Then still keep bring