Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

Why did he say he wouldn't sleep with her? Did u ask him if he would?

That response sounds gung ho at best, sinister at worst.

an air of hope - exactly . That in itself is emotionally abusive .

Would a stepdad be given contact time with a step daughter by a family court?

Little- they could be under some circumstances. This relationship is at best, emotionally damaging and i couldn't see a judge veiwing it any differently. If the OP told the truth, then i doubt he would get contact until there has been a whole process of assessment.

The NSPCC will hand this straight over to SS, they work in unison with SS.

I realise that most people on this thread have decided that DH is grooming/abusing DD actually it has gone as far as to suggest DD2 is being abused too. I am not going to post anymore cos there is no point, anything I post doesnt matter since its been decided already. All it will do is to fuel it more as even me speculating has been taken as fact in here. This is a snippet of my life, it didnt talk about the time when DD almost died from dengue fever and it was DH who was there in intensive care day and night, it doesnt talk about how difficult it was when her birth father appeared again and how both of us were the baddies. It also doesnt say we have lunch out together once a week and try to have sex at least once in a couple of weeks. I called NSPCC by the way. I did it for my own sanity. I am also going to talk to a couple of people I know in real life who work in CP. Putting a snippet of your life on the internet to run riot in people's imaginations has its downsides and upsides. I know even posting this will be the proof most people need to say he is abusing them and I am colluding. Suit yourselves, like I said its a snippet of my life not all of it. However this thread has taught me a lot about the dynamics in my family. How both of us have dealt badly with the step family set up. We will work on it with professional help. Thanks by the way

Mademoiselle DP - I'm sorry you feel everyone has jumped on you. It happens here sometimes. I'm glad that you've decided to get professional help, it sounds like it could really help you all.

Oh I never said he was calm when I told him either, I said he was not angry but very shocked. I dont know where that came from either. Lesson learnt is always rely in people in RL, there are lots of professionals out there. My DD has had a difficult life and she needs professional help the most. Right now that is my priority now as always although I have also been accused on here of blaming her for the situation. I am shocked by some of the latter responses actually.

I have read this thread from pretty much the start but not commented thus far. Whilst some of the responses do seem extreme, what has struck me that they have all been relatively consistent.

Yes, we shouldn't make snap judgements on just a snippet of your life, but you came on here asking for advice and saying that you didn't know how to feel about things. Obviously things that were making you feel uncomfortable, enough to suspect that something was wrong.

I hope that our fears are not justified and I am pleased that you are speaking with professionals. But don't come on all defensive because you are hearing things you don't want to hear. You presented the facts, people commented on them, some drawing on their own unfortunate experiences to help you.

If I'm being honest, you sound like you are defending him a bit too much. But like I said, you are speaking to the right people - I hope you are anyway - so this situation can be resolved asap. Good luck.

That is the problem on here though. You only post small amounts of information and then people have to fill in the blanks. There are a few people in here, who do work or have worked in cp, me included. If this information dropped on my desk I would be concerned enough to take action.

i have just waded through all the replies and i am sorry the op feels so disheartened by the responses.ultimately this is your life and you are in control.i hope you can work through the issues that are obviously unsettling you family dynamic and i wish you and your children a happy life

Agreed. You posted on here worried about you DH's behaviour it is extremely worrying.. but you can see that, you have gone into denial and i suspect it's because the ss have been mentioned.

You need to think about your daughter if she is being abused or groomed,she will NEVER forgive you and you will never be allowed to be left with your grandkids, she will blame you to for letting it happen - i did.

Op the thing is that the snippet you gave us was concerning,and people do tend to over react as if it is a case of abuse or potential abuse nobody wants to think of the child suffering so tend to shout more than in rl when one would be more tactfull.
A lot of what you described is worrying behaviour and tbh the fact you go for lunch or have regular sex does not reassure me in any way.
My dd reacted badly to my divorce and subsequent re narriage but we have helped her by being consistent and sticking to boundaries together.All childen need to feel the adults are in charge even if they dont know it and a child who has had some up heaval needs it far more.
Seeking professional help will hopefuly reveal nothing sinister but will hopefully help you to provide some stability for your dd before its too late.
Good luck.

I am pleased you have been in touch with NSPCC, however you haven't mentioned what they thought of they situation??
I understand that you are annoyed by some of the responses on her and that you have only posted a snippet of your life, you have given enough for posters and indeed yourself to be concerned.
You say that your dh stayed by your dd's side in intensive care, even if he had given her his kidney it would not change that his behaviour within the household especially with you eldest dd is inappropriate.

I truly hope that you get the help you need to work out what, if anything is happening in you family and that you manage to re-arrange the family dynamics. Best of luck.

I did not assume either of your daughters are being abused or groomed.

I did say that what your DH is doing what you admit he is doing is very damaging nonetheless. Surely you can accept that?

You do not mention what NSPCC said, or whether you were able to speak with them alone. I think this is probably because they were very concerned with the situation.

I really hope you get some professional help, especially for your daughter. You sound very defensive now and that is the absolute worst thing for improving the situation.

I only read some of the responses this morning after I had called NSPCC. I can see how someone else in my shoes will not have called after reading some of the things posted. When I changed my mind about calling NSPCC with DH he didnt stop me. He encouraged me the same way he found me a therapist and encouraged me to go for appointments when he learnt of my abuse. People on here said he will make me think I am paranoid and get me out of the house so we could be alone with the kids and abuse them. That is ridiculous and it seems if you post on here you are assumed to be thick or something and so will fall for such nonsense. If the woman at the NSPCC had reacted as some of the cp trained people on here I would have put the phone down. I spoke to her for 45 minutes.

Yes absolutely, it would be the fault of mners if a woman failed to stop a man acting inappropriately towards children because she was alarmed by the responses she received.

Or the man could just behave appropriately in the first place.

And what advice did she give you, Madem?

Suit yourself

Good luck op. I have read the whole thread and see why you feel jumped on. I really hope things work out for you and your family. You have had a rough ride in your life and still have so much going on I really feel for you and I am confident you will make the appropriate changes.

And what did she say?

Mademoiselle. I am pleased you called them, hopefully they will put your mind at rest.

I also hope you will start to reassert your authority and rightful place in your family. Forgetting everything else that has been said, you are not being treated very well and deserve better.

Often people on here over egg the pudding just to shock people into getting real life help and seeing that a situation is not acceptable. Nobody here knows you or your husband but I hope things work out for you.
Good luck.

OP you have to do what you think is best, afterall the consequence of getting it wrong are catastrophic for your daughters. I'm sure you understand that. I guess you have to ask yourself why your husband is trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter, if this is because of past life stuff then that's a worry in itself. It would indicate a lack of self responsibility and a need to blame external drives for your husband. I think he needs therapy and your dd should be given a safe place to talk and be counselled about the damaging relationship her step father has been allowed to foster. This is the least you can do.

Was she able to help you Madamoiselle? Did you get something constructive from her that will enable you to tackle the balance in the household relationships? Did she comment on your setup? i am assuming from your very strongly angry recent responses that she DIDN'T think his behaviour was conducive to grooming?

I know you feel angry with the responses you bave recieved, but you have to remember that some of the women postjnghere have been abused, seemngly in family setups not disimilar to yours. Unfortunately the circumstances you have given details about DO come accross as inappropriate. If you read your posts from the POV of a stranger then perhaos you would have reacted similarly? People can only react to the information given because we have never met you, your DH, or your dd's...so its allvery 2d for us.

i hope the NSPCC gave you some good advice, and that you took something good from themany, many women who have given you sound advice here. I also hope you keep half a thought out for what has been said on here...good luck.

MadamoiselleDuPont, I accept that you are angry and defensive, but I would urge you do think a little on these things....

"Emotional incest was more likely to develop in single parent families, where one or both parents has a developmental, psychiatric or emotional ?disorder?, or is displaced or controlled by another family member or used substitute babysitters such as the TV."

"The emotional cost of father-daughter emotional incest includes stress and anxiety disorders, mental and physical illness, identity disorders and underdeveloped and confused sense of identity and depression.
"As adults the daughters are emotionally immature, erratic, unable to sustain functional relationships or end up drawn to those which are unrewarding so keep them involved with their fathers instead.

I think, if nothing else, you need to accept that your DH has substituted your DD for you. Its going to continue to be devastating for your mental health, and its going to destroy your DD too.

You need to step back up and be the partner.

He needs also to look into therapy for himself, because he obviously has emotional needs that you are unable to meet - he needs that unconditional "big love" that spans not just his family but his past lives as well. He needs adoration and cannot build a proper adult relationship with you...having the occasional bunk up does not a relationship make! What kind of man prefers the company of preteen girls to that of his wife? What kind of man needs to send the evening lying in bed with a child, rather than socialising with his partner.