Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

Singing I disagree with you. Being 'told' in aggressive terms puts most people's backs up and usually does not work. This is well known within therapeutic counselling.

Well, in my personal experience, being told by a WA worker that I was complicit in the abuse of my own children, finally woke me up.

Yes it put my back up, it made me defensive and angry. I was angry because I didn't want it to be true...but it was true, and no amount of anger on my part was going to stop it being true.

So in my case it was the boot up up the backside that made me DO something about it.

The OP already knows her situation is not right.

Of course the sentiments of what you were told were correct. However the approach is crucial so that the recipient of the advice can hear what is being said without being diabled by shame and panic.

Also it is much better if the recipient is ENABLED to come to the appropriate conclusion themselves and often this is not through being TOLD what to do aggressively.

disabled

I know what you mean....and I HATED that WA worker, but in my tummy I knew she was right, and it took a few weeks for it to sink in. But it did, because deep down I knew she was right, and my love for my kids was eventually an overwhelming force.

Just that in this instance, the OP knows already, and she has been told, straight, very straight, on this thread. It may take a while, and she probably hates MN right now, but it will have gone in to an extent, as her level of denial wasn't so bad that it stopped her even asking in the first place.

And when she is ready to make a move, MN will still be here.

yy ike1

Presumably in RL, a person can give far more relevant details with the absolute surety of confidentiality. The professional can therefore have a good knowledge of what is going on within the family, far more than anybody can ever know from what the OP has been able to post here.

To be aggressive, on this board, is very detrimental and distracting. It's all very well to be blunt and no-nonsense but if you blunder your way in, are dismissive of any actions the OP has or wants to take, then I think you're doing more harm than good - especially when the OP is in a low place and feels battered by some posters playing out their own personal angsty agendas here. It's really bad form and achieves NOTHING.

I agree to an extent that the situations are different, at what age does the way I am become unacceptable, at what age does it go from me being a over precious mother to grooming my son? I am concerned as to what has been achieved by all the 'he is abusing he and if he isn't now he is planning to' posts - nobody knows this, cp experts or not nobody knows and it is that people are stating things as fact that they have no real clue about that bothers me and all it has succeeded in doing is alienating the OP - incidentally would the OP have got the same response if it was a father posting about a step mums behaviour towards his child?

OP well done on making the call. What did the NSPCC advise?

Remember, you can ignore posts on this thread if you think they are way off the mark, or hysterical knee-jerk reactions. If you take those posts away, how many are you left with which offer sensible, rational advice or valuable 'point of view' personal experiences? Quite a few I should think.

The suggestion that your DH is/will be abusing is NOT unanimous on this thread. Many, many people have expressed concern that it may be a possibility and warrants further investigation, preventative measures.

My understanding is this. Your daughter lived with your parents due to your circumstances. During this time, you met your DH and very quickly fell pregnant. You married and had the baby, dd2. When dd1 was 3 she came back to live with you and your new DH and baby. This was the first time he met dd1 so he went to great efforts to bond with her. He helped raise her and possibily did a lot of dad stuff with her whilst you were caring for dd2. As is common with a lot of men, he enjoyed the time spent with the young child (dd1) rather than the baby (dd2). Consequently, they built up a close relationship and she came to love, trust and rely on him. DD1 was a fairly demanding child, wanting her own way in most things (common with all 3 year olds!) and because you felt guilty about her early years, you possibly gave in to her a bit to much. It became a habit to allow her her own way where possible, such as sitting in the front of the car, lying down with her at bedtime, etc. Now you are finding that you seem to have been 'pushed out' of the relationship with DH and whilst you are not jealous of your dd1 you feel that she monopolises him too much and it is also affecting your other dcs. This is my understanding of what you have told us.

What the posters are questioning is why he allows this to happen and doesn't see it as a problem like you do. Does he has other motives? That is all. It is just questioning his behaviour, as an adult. As you, yourself have done.

I think everyone has recommended you seek RL professional advice and that is what you have done. I'm not sure if you would have without all the advice given here though, so something good has come from your post. Hopefully things will change for the better now.

I for one, would love to hear from you again about how it's going but if not, I wish you strength and courage to face and deal with whatever you need to.

But no psychologist, counsellor, psychiatrist, doctor, indeed I can't think of a single professional that can promise 'absolute' confidentiality as it contravenes their code of ethics. If they think a child is at risk, they are duty bound to contact the relevant authorities.

Although I have followed this thread (without posting) and I share the deep concerns about this man's inappropriate, possibly abusive ways...I agree with Lying.

I see this far too often on here. I totally get the need to be direct and plain spoken - shocking - even, where abuse (against an adult or a child) is suspected.

But it is utterly counter productive to bombard her with instructions and criticism - few would or should take immediate action in these circumstances.

For a start, this is clearly something the OP has only just begun to allow herself to analyse or react against.

turkey yes you are entirely bound . They are duty bound to inform SS .

Sorry, post directed @ lyingwitch

Turkeyfanjo... not confidentiality to that extent, no. If there are wrong-doings definitely identified or warranting further investigation, the agencies would be contacted - the OP would be made well aware of that at the time of the discussion.

On a chatboard though there is no confidentiality and anybody can pretend to be anything, saying they are working in any profession they fancy...

I don't think I am 'outrageous' what I find outrageous is that a mother would have concerns significant enough to call the NSPCC but remain in the house . I have already said that from OPs description DHs behaviour constitutes emotional abuse . OP is complicit in that .
And where on earth does taking a therapeutic approach come into it ?!
Yes I agree that telling people what to do gets their backs up - but for heavens sake counselling for the OP is NOT the priority here.
Maintaining the psychological and physical safety of her DDs IS the priority - and yes straight talking is required!
I actually don't think due to OPs background she has the inner resources required to deal with this situation safely.
OP please speak to your HV or GP
It's good you have taken the first step , but I won't like other posters go OTT in the ' well done ' stakes .
Your children are paramount and you are still exposing them to a very unhealthy situation .

And to all those who criticised me I did not post on here with a professional hat on.
Yes I told OP to pull her finger out and I believe she should . But I did not speak as a professional I spoke as a lay person drawing on professional experience.
And yes maybe OP did need to hear any possible consequences of being complicit in exposing her DDs to these unhealthy family dynamics .
It seems not only has the OP been in denial but some of the posters on here are too .
Which is why OP should seek professional help in RL.

Totally agree with LyingWitch and she put it so succinctly. This place jumps on situations and harangues and harangues and harangues. I agree the situation is very worrying, but what good is shouting her down at every turn and insisting the husband MUST be abusing her? We just don't know that at all.

Some posters were sensitive and helpful some were quite offensive and steamrolled the op. this is the outcome. Great work.

I am not surprised the op is not back. Yes she needed help and support that is not what she got here.

Newgirl I really hope you are right .
I cannot believe the ridiculousness of a situation where a straight talking person like me gets an absolute roasting , more than a supposed mother who allows her kids to be exposed to these alleged unhealthy circumstances . I am not in SS but for the past decade have looked after people whose lives are blighted by dysfunctional families like these .
It is very upsetting to see.
So yes I hope it is a wind up .

Not assuming the DH is abusing her.
But the family set up is still emotionally harmful to the DD's.
Whether they will grow to be well adjusted adults is questionable and OP has to take some responsibility for that .

Nanny- i don't think you can take 'your professional hat off' completely, you cannot unknow what you know iyswim. The training for CP exsists to set you up to become of a certain mindset. To work within safeguarding you have to hold certain beliefs. I can understand why others have the opinion that they do but that is why i moved away from counselling and into CP.

If you work in CP then that becomes the focus, there would be to many unprotected children if it didn't. Likewise 'lay people' do not and sometimes cannot/will not see it from a CP professionals POV. I usually stay away from the relationships boards for this reason and try to avoid DV threads.

X posted. You hold your opinion because you pick up the pieces, others will never have the advantage of the experience that you have.

Whether you "got a roasting" or not, NannyPlum, is sort of irrelevant, since this is about the OP.

Can't you see that saying things like "whether they will grow to be well adjusted adults is questionable" is exactly why the OP left the thread? It's so obvious that something like that will just make people freak out and deny anything is even happening because the thought is just so horrible.

It's not straight talking, it's just catastrophising and it helps no one.

gottaget you are right , I wish I had stayed away- I will from now on.
The roasting I have got has really upset me. . I really appreciate your post , thankyou.