Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP, do you think that people want to split up your family? For no good reason?

People here have tried to help you. You asked the question... and now, since you spoke to your frankly weird partner, you're all angry and defensive. Why is that?

Obviously it's up to you how you handle this. You can block and deny all you like. But to me, and most people reading this, there is something very wrong about how he relates to your dd. I'm not necessarily saying that this is an abusive situation, but it's not normal. Sorry, I hate that word. But you know what I mean. And if you had thought it was normal, you wouldn't have posted here in the first place.

Trust your instincts. Please.

OP you felt you husband's behaviour was odd enough to post. Trust your instincts on that.

It's been horrible reading this thread and being with it from the start and even worse to see the outcome but not surprising. Trouble is so many people have been through similar things themselves and hope that this will be the occasion the right thing happens and the kids get sorted out but it rarely is and that hurts people all over again.

It would be irresponsible of me to post on here with my 'professional hat' on . I am drawing on my knowledge of CP .
I do find it concerning that you spoke to him before you spoke to the NSPCC .
Your DD's welfare is paramount . Your feelings and your DH ,come down further down the list .
You are concerned enough to ring the NSPCC !
Why are you still living under the same roof as him ?

Please tell us what the NSPCC said. It's not goading, we are all very genuinely worried for you.

We have no idea if your dc are being groomed or already physically abused but how on earth will you explain to them in years to come that you were concerned enought htat they might be that you phoned up the NSPCC and yet still defend him and didnt take serious steps to ensure their safety.

Could you say what the NSPCC's advice was on this situation?

Hopefully after 45 minutes on the phone you would feel that whatever was said was said with a good understanding of your situation.

If you feel that people posting on this thread have been alarmist it might hel to 'recalibrate' things, if that makes sense.

OP, you were concerned enough to post on here

Concerned enough to raise it with him

Concerned enough to call the NSPCC

Concerned enough to raise it with people you know in rl

So why so defensive all of a sudden?

Like a lot of people on here I was also abused as a child (by my biological father) and my first thought was not that he is abusing your DD (although at this stage it cannot be completely ruled out) but that his relationship with her is totally inappropriate and immediate changes need to be made.

Please don't stop posting, people are responding to your posts because they care and sexual abuse aside, the dynamics of your family are going to be very damaging to your DD's future emotional wellbeing and how she forms her own relationships when she is older.

I read this whole thread last night and this morning and I see the tone of the OP posts have changed dramatically since she spoke to the dh. Then I re-read the OP - and she asks 'tell me this is normal and I am over-reacting'. So I'm afraid it's possible that she doesn't really want to address that this is/could be a problem.

OP - your DH has an inappropriate relationship with your DD1. Now, it doesn't follow that he must be or considering sexually abusing her, but it's wrong and wrong enough for outsiders to think he's either currently or planning to abuse her. That should be the wake up call you need, it's that wrong.

No one came on here and said "don't be silly, my DH is just the same with my DD." it was universal "that's not normal". The extent of the abnormality may well be nowhere near as bad as the worst case senarios being suggested here, but it needs addressing before she becomes a teenager.

If it is just innocent, then he will be open to new house rules as suggested by therocks further up thread. It might be you just need to sit down as a team, decide the new house rules and inform the DDs this is what's happening. If he's not open to that, then you have a serious problem.

Op I was physically abused for many years by my dad, not sexually, but beaten black and blue. When I go home to my DS and my DH (SAHD) every evening it doesn't ever occur to me to check his body for bruises or abuse. My husband is a different person, in a different situation. I have an old work colleague who was sexually abused, along with her sister, by her grandad, whilst their mother was in the next room. Your DH quoted that he would not "sleep" with her. My mates GD didn't either, technically that wasn't a lie, he would stroke her inappropriately when she went for a cuddle and once tried to insert a rolled up newspaper into her. I could cry now just thinking about the day she told me. She and her sister, never EVER told their mother or father. They are now in their 40's. Thankfully her older sister recognised the abuse from her earlier experiences and protected her sister by refusing to let her stay in the same room as her. She is now married to a wonderful trusting man and I know she has no suspicions or doubt with him and her DD EVER.

You are checking your daughters for sexual abuse and you've mentioned upstream that you have already had counselling as pushed by your DH. Do you think you have received enough counselling for your historical issues?

Please don't think people are ganging up on you, or calling you stupid, if you were that, you'd be blithely carrying on wouldn't you? You chose to post on here because you had concerns. What you posted was very worrying, can you see in hindsight how strange the majority of posters found that your DH was cosleeping with his teenage step daughter?

I hope you can get some resolution out of this, I know we don't know the whole story, but I am grateful that you called the NSPCC and hope they gave you some advice to deal with this. I would be looking at RL 3rd party help mainly based on some of the "ideals" your DH has from his "therapy". Do you have a RL sibling or friend you can talk to, or even your GP? I know there is a worry with gettign offical involvement that your whole family could be ripped apart, but the family life you have now doesn't sound healthy at all.

SweetLillyTea - I fear you might be right, she just wanted people to say "you're worrying about nothing." and is now panicking because everyone said "you're right to worry" and now has to do something about a situation she was just ignoring/avoiding (by not getting in the car rather than deal with the conflict)

Lydia that sounds emminently sensible. NannyPlum your tone as a CP 'professional' is outrageous (and I have training in that filed as well).

field

Yes. She was burying her head in the sand at first. I think op has realised her problem is bigger than she first thought it was

Op, I said up thread, whilst this is being sorted, can he go stay elsewhere?

He encouraged me the same way he found me a therapist and encouraged me to go for appointments when he learnt of my abuse.

Please, if you chose therapy again, make sure it is a therapist recommended by your GP and that, initially at least, all contact is just you and the therapist. Please don't go to one your DH finds for you.

I doubt that the OP will be back. To be honest, I'm really surprised at some of the ones who say they have child protection experience or do that as a 'day job'. All the harranguing and 'join the dots' filling in has done is to make the OP feel got at, that she's to blame for not immediately leaping in to do whatever random people she doesn't know have told her to do, fairly aggressively too.

I guess it depends on the objective, doesn't it? There are children who could be at risk here and a mother worried enough to post about her thoughts. Instead of outlining what we might do as individuals in her situation, she's been 'manoeuvred'. Would anybody here really make IMMEDIATE drastic lifestyle decisions at the behest of a chatboard concensus? I doubt it. The drip-drip of the same concensus is helpful, I think, the rest not so much.

I hope that OP really did ring the NSPCC and will get professional advice from RL agencies now that her 'inkling' has been met with a resounding 'do something'.

how very sad that this has turned out like this.

OP, i think you may be confused about boundaries and have let things go on for a little too long before questioning it.

in any case, boundaries have become blurred and i think you are not seeing things as other do because of your historical abuse.

I was abused by my step father, from the age of 7 to the day i left at 15. I am telling you this because i now have no contact in any form with my mother and have not for 12 years. The reason? She allowed my abuse to happen, she turned a blind eye.
Dont let that happen to you and your dd.
I just cannot forgive my mother. I have tried and i cant, and i hold her more responsible than my SF because she was my mother, protecting me is in the job description.

i hope you read and take from this thread the good advice, try to see that the more robust responses are because the situation you find yourself in is abnormal, and while it concerns you, others recognise it, and perhaps have been quick to jump in because they dont want anything to happen to your DD or to you that you cannot undo.
i think the advice you have been given has been with your daughters best interests in mind, and im so glad that you have phoned the NSPCC for advice.

good luck.

I agree lying,of course it is correct that the OP should be directed to RL professional support and have it explained that in our opinion the her DH's behaviour is way down on the spectrum of 'normal' behaviour. It is correct that she is told the relationship dynamics seem wrong.

But to tell the OP the she should 'pull her finger out', berate her with all the potential future disorders her child could suffer from is in no way professional. If NannyPlum does that in RL then god help Child and Family services in this country.

I am likely to get jumped on as a previous poster did but here is my family dynamic - my ds sit in the front seat of the car, no baby crying he just likes to, I will lay with him if he wants me to and he comes into my bed to watch a film or whatever, I don't think I knew him in a previous life but he is my whole life now I rarely go out without him, he competes for attention and if I am honest probably sees himself as an equal to DH and myself, ds is 7 - is he spoiled, probably, do I need to devote more time to myself and less to ds and redress the balance, again probably - am I grooming him - absolutely not. OP be cautious of your instincts, maybe your dh is overcompensating because your dd isn't his, maybe he is misguided in his attempts, maybe it's more sinister but a unanimous verdict on an internet forum does not an abuser make!

OP in my opinion your family does need professional help, but please do not take NannyPlum's attitude as indicitive of the way you will be spoken to be CP professionals. Good Luck OP, please put your children and yourself first because your DH is an adult and is able to look after himself.

zubin A very different scenario for you.I could say the same as you but still find the post odd.A 7 yr old ds is very different to an 11yr old sd,sorry but it is.
If nothing else the parents need help to allow dd's to be children and not little adults.
Op I work in cp and wouldnt over react to this,id help you to explore your feelings around it to come up with a balanced view of your family dynamic,speak to the children with your permission and speak to dh. Dont be put off by sw,if you dont like the one you are allocated ask for another on

( goldbow I am so sorry . My m did not live with us and although she later muttered about 'worries' DID nothing. Maybe I want to bueve no one suspected as no one acted to protect me)

OP please don't feel got at. You are innocent in all this but you need to act in case there IS an issue. You'd never forgive yourself

Sorry, but sometimes it takes being told to smash down those walls of denial.

Sometimes, having it all spelt out to you is what it takes to get some people to put their, and the welfare and future of their children first, and not some way down some dysfunctional family agenda.

Denial is a very powerful defence mechanism. But hopefully, the OP will have had that seed that was already in her mind, watered and germinated by the comments on this thread.

The OP, by posting already knows in her tummy, that this is seriously wrong, now, it must be faced and dealt with....now that's tough, but if she has the balls to post in the first place, hopefully she will come back for support to take the next steps.

OP I'm sorry you feel your thread has been misconstrued, but what you have written is quite concerning, and as someone else said, you felt worried enough to post in the first place.

The biggest flag for me is him 'knowing' the dd from a previous life. You say that you were 'mortified' by him telling you this, and that he said this was why you were destined to be together. I don't know about anyone else but I would find this immensely upsetting. My dh wasn't with me because of me, but because of my dd?? Like you say, this is only a snippet, and none of us can 'see' your life - but from what you have written the relationship is, in some ways at least, defined by his relationship with his dsd/your dd.

OP, you may not come back to this thread, you're obviously angry and defensive about the things you've read here, but your OP paints a worrying picture. I think you were hoping that everyone would tell you everything's fine, but they haven't. I hope you find the answers you need in rl.