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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 22:52

So I insisted I still didnt like it and he is banned from driving if am in the car, he will sit at the back with the baby whiles DD1 sits in the front with me

So she is still getting to go in the front?

Why have you not got a babyseat in the front, and why is she not capable of entertaining her brother while she sits in the back?

goldbow · 28/12/2011 22:54

Make the call Madem, stay strong.x

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 22:54

Car - red herring. There is more to it than rearranging who sits where in the car, and bedrooms for that matter.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 22:56

Do know the staying calm bit really send bells ringing. Shouldn't he horrified by what you said?

NitroNita · 28/12/2011 22:58

Kids in the back seats.
Adults in the front seat.
Baby gets used to being in the car without an adult next to him (like most babies have to). I don't get the issue here? Adults sit in the front of the car. No wonder the kid is confused.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2011 22:58

My ex husband would have literally been sick at the suggestion that he might sleep with our children. He would be so horrified that I could think that, that he would never want to speak to me again. Yet your husband is saying "I won't sleep with her" - not "how the FUCK could you think I'd do that?" Just "I won't do it."

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 28/12/2011 23:00

Yes, quite, Blether.

DH would be horrified, enraged, furious, crying, upset, all kinds of things but certainly not calm. Doesn't strike me as a usual response.

catherinea1971 · 28/12/2011 23:03

I have just read through all of this thread and agree there are concerns, I fully understand that you feel hat he hasn't touched your dd's in appropriately, who would want to even consider the possibility?
There is currently a thread on relationships where the Op is struggling to believe that her friend of many years has been abusing his child, I suggest you have a read the thread title is 'supporting an abuser'.
The very thought of abuse is abhorrent and when it is potentially a reality in our lives it is very difficult for our brains to process, it is easier to outright deny the possibility.

You must make the call on our own, they are going to tell you that it is wholly inappropriate and very likely they will tell you that there is grooming involved, I was told this after giving much less information than you have to give.

I feel for you, I really do but under no circumstances call while he's there, I don't believe it would be safe.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 23:04

It does sound an unusually calculated response BUT I would also imagine that anyone trying to cover up for themselves would be more than capable of being dramatically outraged and hysterical too, in the hope of putting the accuser off the idea..

I cant see that there is any response which could be typical or not. The only certain thing that wouldnt be said is an admission of guilt at this point.

I am not saying he IS abusing them, but his behaviour is questionable to say the least. I honestly do not think confronting him before talking to the girls, or talking to professionals was the best way to go about this, but it is too late now for that.

hellymelly · 28/12/2011 23:09

This thread has made me feel really sad and worried.I had a good friend at school.She lived with her Dad,just the two of them. Her mother left when she was 14,because she felt that they were like a married couple and she (the Mum) was the odd one out.Before she left she dragged my friend,Jane,to the police station and accused her husband of having sex with her but nothing was followed up and she no longer had any contact with Jane.According to my friend he didn't have sex with her until her mother left when she was 14 but I suspect something started earlier,if only the "special" aspect of their relationship.They would be cuddled up together on the sofa when she was about 19,they were in every way like a couple although she also had boyfriends.He also tried to cultivate a "special" relationship with me,which looking back I can see was the beginning of grooming.
She killed herself 16 years ago leaving two small children,her life was wrecked by what had happened,and yet all along she would say how Close she was to her Dad and how great he was etc. not all abuse victims recoil from the abuser,many have more of a Stockholm symdrome type response.
He may not have any sexual agenda but he does seem to have an agenda that is to do with his needs being fulfilled,even if they are emotional ones,rather than the normal desire to care for the needs of the child. It is very much about him and his feelings.
I also find it worrying that it is his step child rather than his biological child who is the focus of this desire.And you seem strangely passive and outside of the family in some way,do you feel pushed out by him?

fluffytowels · 28/12/2011 23:11

I agree that this seems strange. Although there may not be actual abuse, I think you need to get some proper advice away from your husband.

You already seem to have been sidelined and adopted a submissive role in your relationship, and are explaining away a lot of his behaviour that worries you. You need to be able to talk freely without his influence.

Hopefully there will be nothing sinister and you will be able to assert yourself in your relationship again.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 23:14

I think what is important is to recognise that this man's feelings should be at the bottom of your list of priorities. If he were to be a decent, harmless man he might be hurt but he would understand that the DC's wellbeing comes first and would not be trying to make it all about himself. So talk to the professionals without him being there, don't consult him about any decisions you then make, just make them and act on them.
And tread carefully. Men like this can become very dangerous when they think they may have been rumbled and might be about to lose access to the child they are grooming.

AnAirOfHope · 28/12/2011 23:19

who would want to be there when their wife of 13 years calls someone to find out if you are abusing their child?

Also could you sleep if your wife had told you that?

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2011 23:21

Sorry but his response makes me uneasy,it's the typical abusers response. Most people would be horrified, he sounds like he was flippant tbh.

catherinea1971 · 28/12/2011 23:22

I agree his actions since you have spoken to him are strange....going to sleep after you have had a conversation like you have had with you h tonight is very odd.

Althalus · 28/12/2011 23:23

I'm agreeing with everyone else here. A typical response would be one of absolute horror that you could even consider it and not, 'well, I can see how it would look that way' in a calm manner. That is most definitely not normal at all.

clam · 28/12/2011 23:26

This is without a doubt one of the weirdest threads I've read on here in a long time.
But I'm quite Shock at the gung-ho way the OP confronted him, and ASTOUNDED by his reaction. I can't believe any man would react that way, sorry.

catherinea1971 · 28/12/2011 23:27

If he can see how it could look that way then surely he must have realised while he's been doing it that it is inappropriate?
Op is there anyone you can call on for some support?

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 23:29

I don't think the OP said that she thought he was abusing or grooming one or more of the dcs. I think she said to him that her dd was trying to challenge OP's role in the house and that he was not only allowing it but actively encouraging it. Also, that it was not appropriate to lie with the dcs until they went to sleep. I think his reaction was, ok that's reasonable, I won't do it anymore.

However, if he is abusing or planning to, it's his actions which will determine how he really feels about this.

Turkeyfanjo · 28/12/2011 23:31

Yes, the main thing that stuck out for me is you say he doesn't get on as well with his own biological DD, that the poor girl is always having to compete with her half sister for her own fathers attention. I could (sort of?) understand it if he had raised your eldest from being a baby but she didn't come into his life until she was 3; birth to 3 is generally accepted as the critical years of forming secure attachments.

The situation between your DD1 and DH already sounds unhealthy, before even mentioning the possibility of sexual abuse. I couldn't have imagined my own father lying with me til I fell asleep, at the age of 11. I'd have been mortified! A quick hug and a goodnight kiss was all that was necessary at that age. Remember at 11, she should be cleaving away from her family towards her peers, that's what is normal for her age. I hope the NSPCC can advise you.

AbbyAbsinthe · 28/12/2011 23:31

It has to be said though, although I agree that there is sone thing very wrong here - if he has been abusing the child in any way, and he's been confronted - would the fear of getting caught not prevent him from sleeping?

SugarSkyHigh · 28/12/2011 23:34

It sounds flippant to say this but I don't mean it that way - it's just that if he thinks the world is going to end in 2012 does he refer to this often, and does it affect his daily life? Does he believe you will all be re-united in yet another life when the world ends?

AnAirOfHope · 28/12/2011 23:38

what would be the affect on a 9yo if her Dad told her that the world is going to end in 2012?

(And i thought my family fucked me up - poor girl Sad)

springydaffs · 28/12/2011 23:56

From what you've said OP, you originally posted because the situation made you feel uncomfortable - but you wondered if you were paranoid because of your own childhood abuse. You had got to the point that you felt very confused and had become passive - there were 'good' arguments for eg you sitting in the back of the car. It had even got to the point where you wouldn't go in the car with them so you weren't put in the position of being pushed down the pecking order. You say you are going to have a family meeting and 'ask' older DD to go to bed alone - ask?? You don't ask, you tell. She's 11.

imo the relationship your H has with dd1 is incestuous. It may not be sexually incestuous (yet?) but it is emotionally incestuous. Something that also rings alarm bells (aside from alarms bells clanging over the whole story) is that dd2 is constantly angry with her dad because she doesn't get a look in, despite her efforts. So that's you and your dd2 (his biological daughter) don't get a look in and are sidelined in favour of this 'special' relationship. You tripped off that reincarnation detail as though it is normal - it isn't OP. You say your parents are 'like this' so you have got used to it on some level; to the point that you didn't find it unusual or strange that dh claims the same stuff...

I'm sorry you are faced with this, particularly with your history. I do understand how paranoia about your past made it difficult to listen to your instincts; also your husband's bizarre (at best Sad) rationale regarding the inappropriate relationship with your daughter was confusing and tied you up in knots, making you ultimately passive. That's all changed now, thank God. Well done for grasping the nettle - it can't have been easy. Good luck OP - I wish you the very best in this very difficult situation.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 28/12/2011 23:58

I am afraid that confronting him with your fears that he maybe ' grooming ' DD was not a great idea .
You really need to pull your finger out and think about what's best for your DD's- the best course of action would be to have kept schtum and called either SS or NSPCC.
I am afraid I trained in CP and find it very frustrating that you seem to be trying to make this work .
Regardless of whether any sexual abuse has taken place , I am afraid your DHs behaviour constitutes an emotionally abusive situation.
You are allowing your DC to remain in a situation where as adults they will have very blurred boundaries, they may find relationships very difficult to maintain , they may eventually self harm due to difficult feelings surrounding their childhood ,where there seems to be a lack of role modelling healthy relationships . Is this what you want ?
You are putting your DD's at risk of developing eating disorders - which are very often linked with incestuous relationships.
For goodness sake save your DD's future and get out of this marriage .
Forget placating your DH.
Ring SS and find a refuge .