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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fecking angry!

153 replies

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 27/12/2011 16:50

DH has just had to break the news to me that the chavvy fecking bitch who has been making a play for him is the only candidate suitable for promotion at work that has applied. yesterday was closing date online.
Whilst he said no, I've got kids and a wife he did indulge in some lighthearted flirty text banter with her for numerous months. All out in the open now and he is being very good, no more taking his phone into toilet, ensuite etc, but i'm a paranoid wreck and this news has left me shaking.
I'm so f#@king angry, how dare she even have the nerve, she a brazen f#@king bitch.
I know I'm being irrational and stupid but let me vent here for a while please for the sake of not venting at him, he knows how hard this is for me and is concerned about how we'll cope on a daily basis, he doesn't want the grief from me all the time.

OP posts:
kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 27/12/2011 17:09

He's the one who betrayed you - not her.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2011 17:11

Yes, aim your anger at him!

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 17:15

Yes, totally nothing to do with her, if you could trust him, this wouldn't be an issue.

SquashedSquirrel · 27/12/2011 17:15

Um... it is very irrational to be quite so angry at her. Why on earth wouldn't you 'vent' at him??

He was the one who chose to betray you and send her flirty texts etc. He had a choice.

lazarusinNazareth · 27/12/2011 17:16

He might not want the grief but he encouraged her every time he sent her a text. Does this mean she will be his boss? I can understand how you feel - nearly 6 years on after something similar happened to me I still have times when I get angry (but keep it to myself).
Maybe she is just trying to move on? .

itsxmascryingagain · 27/12/2011 17:22

Another possibility here. Maybe the potential promotion was the reason for the flirting. Your husband may just have been a means to an end but his ego won out. Think he deserves your anger!

Sariah · 27/12/2011 17:22

Of course she is going to be angry at her. Yes it is his fault but it is natural to want to tear the eyes out of any woman who turns your other halfs head. If my dh was with someone else or heading in that direction, I would be angry, upset, annoyed etc with him but also I would want to have a go at her. Why? because, what has she got that I dont and she is competition and moving on my teritory. I think it is ok to be angry at both of them, even though she owes you nothing. What effect will the promotion have on their working relationship?

TooEasilyTempted · 27/12/2011 17:26

As you've said, you know you're being irrational.

You're directing your anger at the wrong person.

Why should she base her career progression around what might or might not upset you or him? She had d dry right to apply for the job, and did so. Direct your anger at your DH, he is the one that has put you in this situation.

ElusiveCamel · 27/12/2011 17:27

I understand the directing vitriol towards the OW, but why are you protecting him from your anger? I'm sure he doesn't want grief from you all the time, but he betrayed you. Sounds like, by calling it 'lighthearted flirty banter', you're downplaying what he did? She had encouragement. He didn't stop it, he kept it going. Presumably only stopped when you found out or did he confess unprompted?

I sympathise with how you're feeling, I do, but I think that focussing on her will only make you feel worse in the long run :(

Original poster
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 27/12/2011 18:05

Believe me I have done. But we are trying to work things out and more anger won't help that, and it won't help our children who have to live with us.

I can still stay angry at her though, she's a cheap decking tart who probably thinks it's funny to work closer with him as it'll get to me.
He knows he was out of order even though nothing happened. He was getting an ego boost from a cheap tart half my age. Sad, midlife crisis time, he's definitely trying harder now, I can't really ask for much more, but I'm still struggling to cope due to previous trust issues from ex's and long term depression, added to anxiety from recent issues.
God, I need it to be next year so I can have my 2nd hypno-psychotherapy appt to help me stay calm in stressfull situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 27/12/2011 18:10

She's the kind of girl who has pictures of herself wearing tiny hotpants and stuff on the net for men to pay her compliments etc. So flipping cheap and tacky.
DH is manager, she will be assistant manager.

OP posts:
Hassledge · 27/12/2011 18:12

I think your DH should start looking for another job. I know there's not exactly a whole heap of jobs out there, but he can at least try.

BastedTurkey · 27/12/2011 18:13

Sariah - "it is natural to want to tear the eyes out of any woman who turns your other halfs head"

I disagree, I am sure that in our marriage DH has found other women attractive in the same way that I have found other men attractive.

If he chooses to act on it then the fault lies with him.

"competition, moving on my territory" no-one owns anyone else

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2011 18:14

Is she married?

BastedTurkey · 27/12/2011 18:16

OP your further posts suggest that there is a bit more to this than just his flirting.

I am glad that you are getting counselling, but there is no reason that you need to hide your frustration and anger from your DH - if he had behaved impeccably then none of this would have happened.

eandz · 27/12/2011 18:16

paranoid

have you met her or just online stalked her? How do you know she is as bad as she is, what if your husband is just lying to you? What if he's promoting her just so he can say that he fell in love with her later? How do you know things between them have stopped, just because he doesn't take his phone to the bathroom anymore? He sounds like the bad guy, especially if he knew where those pictures of her were.

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 18:18

Really, Sariah? My partner looks at other women quite a lot, but I don't see the problem. I look at others too.

paranoidandroid, I really don't think this woman is applying for this job solely to move in on your man If she is, and your husband is trustworthy, surely he'd just think that was bonkers? No-one actually does that, you know? And I don't think it is in any way rational to be judging her on her clothes.

This is not meant to sound patronising - but do you have much going on in your life that's not him? It sort of sounds like your life revolves around him and that's not too healthy if you're constantly worrying about "competition". Does he make you feel like that? That you need to "win" him somehow? Because I can tell you, I just don't feel like that with my partner at all.

Original poster
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 27/12/2011 18:19

Even I know a new jobs not an option. He has real security as been there over 14yrs and very well respected. Secure company too. Voluntary redundancy would be a nice option though. In my dreams.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/12/2011 18:21

I'm not sure why her having flirted with your DH is a reason she can't apply for a promotion?

eandz · 27/12/2011 18:24

Look, he has a choice and you seem like a devoted wife. Surely he won't opt for the other woman...unless there is something else going on?

Hopefully you have nothing to worry about.

FabbyChic · 27/12/2011 18:29

Did your husband change his mobile number? I'd have insisted.

You say your husband told her he was happyily married with kids? yet he texted her? And thats acceptable is it? Its cheating.

Xales · 27/12/2011 19:02

Not only did he encourage her by flirty texting back for months despite telling you saying he was married... he is also a manager in a position of authority over her in the work place! Plus from what you say he is a lot older/mature!

Why should she be held back on her career?

Your anger is understandably however it should be vented at the person who betrayed you and caused you to be in the current position you are in not some random woman.

She is not the cheap tart your H is.

Perhaps with the new year you can get some extra counselling to look at why you seem to pick partners who do this?

Xales · 27/12/2011 19:06

Sorry that sounds a lot harsher than I intended

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 27/12/2011 19:11

Xales is right. If you're that bothered then clearly you do not trust your DH (with cause based on his previous behaviour). That's the issue here. Not the other woman.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2011 19:13

It's going to be a long stressful year for you..... Constantly worrying/dressing over this and their relationship.

You need to get a handle of things now.