So fecking angry!

[paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife]

DH has just had to break the news to me that the chavvy fecking bitch who has been making a play for him is the only candidate suitable for promotion at work that has applied. yesterday was closing date online.
Whilst he said no, I've got kids and a wife he did indulge in some lighthearted flirty text banter with her for numerous months. All out in the open now and he is being very good, no more taking his phone into toilet, ensuite etc, but i'm a paranoid wreck and this news has left me shaking.
I'm so f#@king angry, how dare she even have the nerve, she a brazen f#@king bitch.
I know I'm being irrational and stupid but let me vent here for a while please for the sake of not venting at him, he knows how hard this is for me and is concerned about how we'll cope on a daily basis, he doesn't want the grief from me all the time.

op how did the texting thing come to your attention?

So he hasn't told work about it then?

It's very unprofessional if he doesn't. He's putting the company at risk by his actions and if he were my member of staff, I'd find that more unforgiveable than the original indiscretion. Lying and putting his employer at risk is interlinked with what he's done to you. Be conscious of that and what you're prepared to collude with.

Losing a day off together compared with 5 days a week when he spends more time with her than you, seems a no-brainer to me. Are you sure that you're not trying to convince yourself this is partly your decision, to cover up the truth that when it comes to it, he won't make career sacrifices for his marriage?

This woman's morals are exactly the same as your husband's; no worse or no better. She is as poor a candidate for a monogamous relationship as he is, based on their joint behaviour. It's okay to be angry with both of them, but unfair to judge her morals as worse than your husband's.

OP I dont know why you picked my post specifically, I can assure you I have no hidden agenda. I havent twisted a thing and I would like you to show me where I have so I can stand corrected.

I think you probably picked my post because the truth hurts. Your DP IS a dick. He lied and hid and twisted truth to you He is only acting all nice now because he got caught. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT however, SHE cannot be held responsible for your DP's actions.

So what I am saying to you, is forget about the whole job thing, its a thorny issue and your DP could be in a lot of trouble if things are found out. Concentrate on YOU, not on getting things back on track. You are trying to rationalise it, make it all the OW fault, to justify it so that you can continue your relationship with him, I am saying you need to have it out with your husband. These things have a way of festering.

I say this not as someone who has cheated or ever been cheated on but someone who used to run pre-marraige courses. The destruction that was often caused due to dishonesty and trust issues was too much to watch.

Ah just saw that another Santa posted...sorry OP!!!!!

Off to New Year Name Change........

no hidden agenda here.

glad to hear you wouldn't want him to discriminate her and aren't looking around for ways to make sure she doesn't get the job or pressure him into doing so - i got another impression - or maybe i was responding more to the people who were suggesting.

i don't think all the 'little tart' and 'chavvy' so and so stuff portrays you well though. she's done nothing more than your dh. that makes him a 'little tart' and whatever other names you've given her too.

I completly understand and empathise with you OP. Of course, you think she's a little tart, etc.,She knew your H was married when she responded to his texts. But, I do agreee with other posters here, in that you are focusing too much blame on her and not enough on H.
I know, because I've been there, and it's a valid reaction (blaming the ow more cos you've made the decision to continue with the marriage) It is early days in your recovery and I was still a mess at this stage.
My DH's exow actually relocated from abroad to be with him (a tarot reader told her they were destined to be together ! !) But he ignoes her and at this stage,(2yrs + on) is completly sick of her silly, gentle stalking. Happily, they work in different depts. But, eventhough, I am getting over his (physical) affair with her , I don't think I would be happy with them working closely. Once the trust has been broken and H showed how capable he is of deciet, I will never be completly at ease.

OP - please give yourself a break. It is so early. If you feel angry, let him know. He needs to deal with that and accept it. He needs to build your trust again which will take a long time, certainly longer than six weeks.

Is that why he told you this over the phone? That really stinks to me. Neither of you could see the other's face or have to deal with any of the emotions involved. Had it blown over by the time he got home?

If my H had contemplated continuing regular contact with OW I would have ended our marriage. If they had worked together I would have expected him to take the responsibility to deal with that situation in my favour. Not his.

None of this is your fault OP. He decided to write those texts and send them. He doesn't deserve the easy ride you appear to be trying to give him.

When the exow first arrived in the UK I told my DH that if there was any situation in which he'd have to work on a project with her he would have to explain the situation to his Manager as I would not tolerate it.
It is very unlikely it will happen.

There is no such thing as "predatory women." Men aren't so bloody stupid that they can just be hunted and taken by anyone. They actually do have self control and a mind of their own. Somehow you've been brainwashed to think that the fact that you're older and less groomed than this woman means you're "failing to hold onto your man." You keep mentioning how you look as though that has anything to do with it. It absolutely does not. You are your DH's wife, he knows that and he has vowed to remain faithful to you no matter how you look. The fact that he just disregarded his vows is not this other woman's fault, it is entirely your DH's fault. He made the choice to flirt with her and being
angry at her is going to get you nowhere as it's totally pointless.

Clearly you don't trust your DH and you're still horrendously angry at him. You're lacking in self confidence and you're worried that he'll be "stolen" again. But, you want to keep your family together so you're misdirecting all those feelings at the other woman. It's a total waste of your energy. You need to sort things out with your DH and get back to feeling secure with him again. Otherwise this is going to split you up and it won't be the OW's fault at all.

Just to add, I'm getting the impression from your posts that your DH is subtly telling you to stop talking about what happened - he has mentioned the home situation being unbearable etc etc. It sounds to me also like you're trying to protect him, from having to find another job, from hearing you talk about it, and that is really odd. You are perfectly entitled to be very very angry at him and to make him feel your anger. He has no right to say that you need to act as if nothing has happened. It appears to me like you're doing all the work here - he had his jollies with this girl, got found out and now you're completely stressed trying to make sure it has no impact on him. Why is that?

I always have to suppress a wry smile when the partner who has betrayed the relationship gets "rewarded" with child-free nights away at nice hotels (this "effort" they are making to "rebuild the relationship" )

Why didn't they suggest that before putting their marriage in true jeopardy by crossing a line with someone else ?

I agree with you Cailin.
I think OP's H needs to reassure her about the work situation. I know he can't just leave and find another job but could he explain the situation to his manager and ask for a transfer , thereby not intervering with ow's prospects ?
Probably all pie in the sky, but he needs to restore OP's confidence in him and it is down to him to find a solution to this problem. He created it so maybe he needs to consider a demotion? Anything really, to save his marriage and stay in work.

cd, OP also said she feels that now she is the one who is ruining their relationship

love, he's done a great number on you here

I know you are trying to rebuild the trust, and you think he is doing everything he can, but at the risk of pissing on your chips, he is not

quite obviously

I have to agree with AF.

I think it is perfectly understandable that the OP has to come here and vent - simply because either she is not giving herself permission to express her upset and distress at home, or her H is stamping on it.

She is lashing out at the safest thing to lash out at - the OW.

OP - your H needs to do so much more. It seems that he has had it way to easy (lovely planned night away with you, being very loving and intimate when I need reassuring). That is not trying hard, that is having his cake and fucking eating it.

What about really trying hard and making some sacrifices? What about sorting his CV out and applying for other jobs (whether or not he thinks he can get them), what about explaining what a twat he has been to each of your respective families so that they might support you with getting some more childfree time - not as a Christmas present, but because they know he has behaved appalingly? What about him arranging further relationship counselling (because it sounds as though you both need it)?

Just remember that he and he alone has bought this shit into your family life, he should be the one protecting his children from it, not you by biting your tongue.

Thanks, deep down I know most of you are right.
However if I let all my rage out again it just becomes so destructive for the whole family. DH has seen it believe me!
I think I handled it much better last night when I said, I'm off to bed with a sleeping tablet so I can switch my brain off from all this crap. You have no idea how much you've hurt me and it still continues to hurt everyday you're at work with her. This is going to take a very long time to fix, you've put me in the worst position imaginable. This is all your doing not mine. Stop dismissingmy feelings, they are very real and your fault. Or similar, brain is a bit foggy nowdays. However it can't be good for any relationship to keep that record on all the time. There needs to be some positives in there too.
I kept my calm, did not blow, and for the first time outside of relate session he had to truly listen and take it in. He couldn't say I was crazy irrational woman, because I wasn't.
If I find him pulling a stunt like this again I willwill leave him. Just don't feel ready to call time on 13+ years and 3 dcs yet as it wasn't physical. I have clearly redrawn the boundaries now though re contact outside of work related issues.

Well if he starts working with a woman with whom he would have had a physical affair if you hadn't busted him, then he will in all likelihood 'pull another stunt'. If he didn't want to, he would have done anything not to have to work with her, even if that meant owning up to unprofessional behaviour at work. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to read or believe, but it's how I see it.

He has made a very definite choice here - and so have you, actually.

Agatha both our families now know, he was not happy about that, but it's better now things are out in the open now. He doesn't want to do any more counselling as he thinks it makes me worse, (angry basically.)
However my own counselling should help. Help me to deflect his issues back to him in a calm manner.
I'm trying to short circuit my buttons so they no linger work when pressed.

Charbon, he wouldn't have progressed to a physical affair, there are moral boundaries he wouldn't cross. His upbringing, my background, how damaged it has left me tell him not too, even our relate woman said I'm confident he would not go there. He has however been a silly fool for betraying your trust in this way.
I have made my choice for now to try and work through this and see how it goes.

He doesn't see this as an affair, just some male ego stupidity, and does seem sorry.

I'm really sorry that you both believe that he would have stopped short of a physical affair. That makes the current situation even more threatening.

OP - I think that fact that "he doesn't see this as an affair, just some male ego stupidity" may be part of the problem. He is minimising it, not accepting responsibility for it. He needs to really understand exactly what this thing was, and exactly why it has been damaging.

If he really wants to repair the damage that HE has inflicted you your relationship, then he also needs to understand that it is NOT HIS CALL to say he doesn't want more counselling, and especially for the crap reason he has given. You need to work through your anger, it is an emotion that cannot just be shut off at a time and place to suit him, and to try to do so will just prolong the feelings.

I'm not sure if anyone has yet recommneded the Shirley Glass - Not Just Friends book, they probably have, but if not, could you get it and read it together?

I namechanged so that we wouldnt have the confusion of which Santa posted again!!!

Im sorry OP. You soundy weary...and the last thing you need is a bunch of strangers telling you what to think/feel/do. But sometimes a stranger can see more clearly than the people involved..

I would say stop concentrating on fixing the relationship. YOU didnt break it. Concentrate on looking after yourself and any DC in the mix. Go to the councelling because it will help you. Good luck!

I am weary. Don't have the energy to keep fighting anymore.

Well stop..you cant have all this on your shoulders. It is not your fault. Would you be willing to ask him to stay elsewhere for a couple of days while you try to get your head around things?