So fecking angry!

[paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife]

DH has just had to break the news to me that the chavvy fecking bitch who has been making a play for him is the only candidate suitable for promotion at work that has applied. yesterday was closing date online.
Whilst he said no, I've got kids and a wife he did indulge in some lighthearted flirty text banter with her for numerous months. All out in the open now and he is being very good, no more taking his phone into toilet, ensuite etc, but i'm a paranoid wreck and this news has left me shaking.
I'm so f#@king angry, how dare she even have the nerve, she a brazen f#@king bitch.
I know I'm being irrational and stupid but let me vent here for a while please for the sake of not venting at him, he knows how hard this is for me and is concerned about how we'll cope on a daily basis, he doesn't want the grief from me all the time.

Told him I don't think him having a female assistant was a good idea

If he was racist, would you tell him he shouldn't have a black assistant? The problem is him, in this context, his lack of professionalism and him crossing boundaries. "Too friendly" my arse, what a cop out excuse.

I will however stay hyper vigilant to any returning warning signs

That sounds exhausting. I understand your motivation but he is the one who should be putting a strategy in place to make sure your trust is rebuilt.

He is playing with fire being on the interview panel, I don't think he accepts the seriousness of this or the damage to your marriage. Doing the hoovering is not a get out of jail free card.

What about a return to counselling?

If I was in your shoes I'd be writing a letter to Head Office about his relationship with her and how compromised he would be on that interview panel. Outline potential complications in the future as a result of this.
But I get the impression you are far nicer than me.

It is obvious that this whole situation is draining you, pulling you down. You need to pat yourself on the back for how well you have coped with it, particularly over Christmas.

He is unprofessional - you know that and possibly he does too. Maybe he is too wrapped up in his own position (of power?) within his organisation to step down in this instance.

Could you show him this thread, just so that he realises that your reaction is not only understandable, but actually pretty mild in comparison to what he would have got from many other women?

Your DH has not been faithful he was texting another woman. That means he had an emotional affair. So he cheated.

Lazurus - you would do that to your husband (or wife)? Really??? I'd hate to see what you'd to your enemies.

he's just an unfaithful, untrustworthy person isn't he? to you and his children, to his company, to his professionalism, to this woman's career etc etc etc. he does what he wants and takes no responsibility and cares not about the potential consequences. he doesn't even really feel remorse.

this is who you're dealing with. at least you get to see him as he is. decide from there what to do.

He'd go pretty mad if he knew I posting about our life on here. Agatha you may well be right about the company position thing.
I'm having my first active hypno-psychotherapy session next week. Should help me to star not reacting badly to things he says and does, so he can't call me a crazy woman anymore. Also to learn how to spot when something is actually his issue or fault and calmly turn it back to him. Two of my lively closest friends are getting my first two sessions for Christmas, one of them recommend this woman for saving her marriage in similar circumstances. I can only hope it will help, as yes I am weary.

Chipping I think he is professionally compromised on an ethical level here and him sitting on a panel where he is interviewing this woman could lead to legal issues (as discussed by others further up the thread). I don't see why his company should be compromised by his actions, nor do I think it is right that other applicants may be adversely (and possibly knowingly) affected by their relationship.
In this case, the actions of this man go much further than his immediate family, which is bad enough in itself. I don't see what gives him the right to make others suffer for his own selfish behaviour.

Personally I walked away from a man who abused me physically, emotionally and sexually for 6 years but never 'punished' him. Hope that clears that one up for you.

Well done for having a good talk to him today. I have to say, judging by your later post, he doesn't seem as bad to me as he did before. He has at least gone some way to acknowledging his behaviour was out of order and that he has hurt you. There's still no excuse for what he did, but the fact that he supported you through your depression is a big plus point in my book.

To be honest, I think you should focus on working on yourself for the time being. It appears to me that your confidence is at a very low level and that your husband had the idea that he could just suit himself and get his entertainment elsewhere and that you wouldn't stand up to him. If you feel more confident then it might help you to see more clearly what you want from life. It will also strongly send the signal to your DH that he can't disregard your feelings any more and that he has to respect you and your marriage.

The best case scenario is that this could be a turning point in your relationship. It could be the kick it needs to refresh your respect for one another. That said, your DH will have to do a hell of a lot more than what he's already done to make that happen.

Good luck.

i'm a bit scared that that therapy sounds like a frontal lobotomy. why should you dull your reactions to shit things he says and does to 'save' your marriage?

really look at those friends and their lives and be sure you want what they have and take their recommendations seriously. hypnopsychotherapy sounds like quackery to me i'm afraid. i have done a fair bit of counsellor training and study and.... i don't know. i could be wrong. if i am your therapist will be seriously encouraging you to change your goals.

More to tame my reaction from hysterical crying, to being able to calmly reason with and tell him what's what, and what I won't tollerate any more.

Lazarus - whether he is professionally compromised or not (I agree he is), it isn't for his wife to write to them and tell them so. Where on earth do your loyalties lay? If it were you, why would you feel it was up to you to write to the company your husband worked for and tell them what he had done? I think that's really dispicable and if I were married to you it would be over if you did that.

I am personally finding this difficult to judge. Purely on the basis that we have no idea what the texts entailed.
If they were, as mentioned, numerous work related texts including some 'banter'; is this really an appropriate basis to suggest that he shouldn't be allowed to interview her? He seems to think it is all a fuss over nothing. The OP talks about it being 'over friendly', but not an affair. In which case I struggle to understand why it was appropriate to contact the other woman, hot pants photos or not!
My perspective comes from personal history. My ex was exchanging many inappropriate texts with a woman at work, which played a huge part in killing our marriage. He has told people that he was flirting with her, but that it was banter blown out of proportion.
I phoned the woman on the basis of the text I read. She found it difficult to justify the messages.
The most incriminating one I read said 'When am I going to feel your soft lips around my cock?'
Many people who heard his explanations still think I was a mental case looking for excuses to end the marriage. Very few people ever knew what was actually in those messages.

There are two sides to every story. I have no idea what to think.
I'm unsure how many posters are giving so much advice when the situation is so unclear, at least from my perspective.

I think it's because a few of us have read the other threads and posts from the OP, plus the OW's lack of defensiveness when confronted, her DP's account of the situation and the conversations the OP overheard.

If the texts had been anodyne and harmless banter, I don't think the H would have deleted them, used his phone so furtively in the bathroom for months and the spy software wouldn't have found 18 texts within such a short space of time.

I'm sure the H is mightily relieved that the OP didn't manage to read them, but I think he is lying when he says they were just 'banter'. However he presumably knows the OP can't prove otherwise, so he is sticking to that story for all its worth.

Beckamaw, no I didn't thankfully see anything like you did, that would have been too much for me. So sorry you had to read that, must have felt like your heart had been ripped out.
I just have to stay hopeful and try to keep going. I had an awful night last night, bad dream after bad dream.
Probably there was nothing more to it than harmless banter, but the sheer volume of it, and the fact that he seemed more comfortable in her company than mine, and all the deceit, they were the killers for me.
I just have to find a way past this and keep coping.

Chipping Fair enough - I wouldn't do that in reality in all probability. I think it's very unlikely the OP would do that anyway.

Paranoid If you are choosing to try and get over this, allow yourself time and the freedom to be angry. Your H still has a lot of making up to do imo, but you need to make sure he does that to your standard, not his. All the best.

I hate to say this but it's likely there was a lot more to it than harmless banter (and that isn't harmless, look what it's done to you). People who give themselves permission to behave like this, given themselves permission to do whatever they want generally.

If you and he are going to get past this, I think you need to see ending your marriage as a possible alternative. Otherwise you've given him a green light to carry on treating you however he wants, and you're going to continue being tortured.

At the moment you're seeing your feelings and reactions as the problem here, when in fact the real problem is his behaviour and the lies he told you about it.

I've not read all of this thread but it sounds like you and your H may find reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends very helpful as it covers these kind of situations and the book will help you process your thoughts.

Oh ffs, she's just sent dh a happy new year text. Why can't she flippin well leave us alone.
DH says I'm overreacting, she'll have just sent it to everyone I'm her phone book. Under the circumstances, leave him out tonight!!!

In not I'm. Taken sleeping tablet, just need to switch off.

I hate to agree with him on general principle but he's probably right on this occasion, paranoid. On his to do list for 3rd Jan is ensuring his personal number is removed from her phone book - I only have the personal number of colleagues who are also friends. If she's texting from her work phone to his work phone technically she's probably in breach of their phone use policy but probably not the best start to the new year, eh?!

Sleep well.

You're not overreacting.

Oh, I should say I was agreeing with the second part, that she probably sent it to everyone in her phone book. Not the overreacting part - his standard response to virtually any reaction you have on this matter. I would suggest banning the word 'overreaction' for a week, let him refer to them as 'feelings' instead.

Have an urge to send her one saying why can't you just fuck off and leave us alone bitch. But I won't.
They need to be contactsble for work issues, she has to have his number in case the alarms won't set or banking issues etc.
Happy fucking New year to me. The drugs sre kicking in now, sleep siin.

Well - two answers to that:

• either work should provide him with a separate phone for that purpose
• she should move his number to another part of the address book entry, like the notes field. So she can access it if needed but he won't have a number she can 'accidentally' (or not) text/call.

Or indeed third option, given his apparent desire to make amends and start over () he gets a cheapy Pay As You Go phone for work to use to contact him - you of course have full access to it for as long as you need.