So fecking angry!

[paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife]

DH has just had to break the news to me that the chavvy fecking bitch who has been making a play for him is the only candidate suitable for promotion at work that has applied. yesterday was closing date online.
Whilst he said no, I've got kids and a wife he did indulge in some lighthearted flirty text banter with her for numerous months. All out in the open now and he is being very good, no more taking his phone into toilet, ensuite etc, but i'm a paranoid wreck and this news has left me shaking.
I'm so f#@king angry, how dare she even have the nerve, she a brazen f#@king bitch.
I know I'm being irrational and stupid but let me vent here for a while please for the sake of not venting at him, he knows how hard this is for me and is concerned about how we'll cope on a daily basis, he doesn't want the grief from me all the time.

I really feel for you paranoid. Of course you're weary. You feel like you're fighting for your marriage, sanity and self-respect and he is telling you that this really isn't all that important.
He isn't trying half as hard as you are and now is dismissing counselling 6 weeks in. Please tell him from me in a shouty voice - "IT'S SIX WEEKS! YOU ARE STILL WORKING WITH HER! THIS WAS YOUR DECISION! - NOW DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING HURT!".

I would definitely say take a couple of days away. By yourself. Or tell him to fuck off for a couple of days. You don't need to fight, this is not your thing. You shouldn't be fighting, he should.

He won't have counselling because it makes you too angry?? Seriously? And he has called you a "crazy irrational woman" in the past? He sounds like an absolute twat. He has broken your trust and now he's dictating how you're supposed to feel about it and deal with it. I don't think the affair is the issue here really, it's more his lack of respect for you.

I think your rage is probably partly inflamed because he's not accepting responsiblity here.

I don't believe his morality claims. It didn't stop him doing what you know about. Men who do this kind of thing are of the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" outlook, so there's probably a lot he's not telling you.

It is early days since 'Discovery' OP, you are probably still in shock and most definitely raw. Anger towards the ow is normal at this stage. You are fighting for your H and children's future. She has (and continues) to threaten your secruity.
Yes, your H is the main culprit here, but that does not stop you hating the ow.

Quite CailinDiana. I'd tell him to go for calling me crazy and irrational. What's irrational about your anger at his deception? You never did say how you discovered his texts op.

Thanks for all your posts and opinions. I posted yesterday in a blaze of anger. I feel calmer now, but worn down and resigned to what will probably happen. Apparently there is one other interview candidate but dh has already said he's crap and doesn't want him. There's more than him interviewing I believe but his opinion will count.
I have calmly warned him that this situation is about ready to blow our marriage apart, but he just doesn't get it. He didn't do anything with her, what's the big issue, I'm obsessed.

perfume, I was sick of the constant texting, then he started disapearing off to the loo for ages, asked him in the end if he had a bowel problem.
Then I heard him on phone to her, work related but so animated.
I couldn't take my own paranoia anymore, all that combined with other probs we'd been having. I put something called spybubble on his phone. Could see all the texts flying about even when deleted. Took 2hrs of him being home for about 18 or so messages. Work related with little flirty/ or as dh says banter ar the end. I thought it would prove I was severely paranoid and I would go throw myself at my nearest mental health team.

I didn't realise how recent this was with my first post.

I can see why you are venting at her. You must be really broken and hurt that you cannot vent at the right target and he just doesn't see what he has done is a huge betrayal of you, your vows and your marriage even if his penis didn't get near her

Your H really needs to talk to his employers.

He may have done nothing with her in his opinion, in mine he has crossed a massive line.

If something comes up and she puts in a complaint/goes to HR about anything his reputation will be ruined and his company (and his job) in a precarious position.

There is no way he should be on the interview panel or over her in a work capacity or this will come back to bite him on the arse if you are even 1/10 right about how much of a bitch she is!

I did say he should be honest with area manager about excessive texting etc, he said no way. He's done nothing wrong, he wouldn't ever put himself In a situation where he makes himself look bad like that.
I feel at least I know where I stand now, just need to take time to process my feelings.

Thinking of you. At least my DH and my friend realised that they had crossed a line. Your H doesn't deserve you.

i think that tells you a lot. he thinks getting caught is what puts him in a bad situation - and this is assessed by how he 'looks'.

therefore the only thing he did wrong with this women was get caught by you.

his morality is of the kind whereby so long as you don't get caught/get into trouble anything is ok

So you're the one who is obsessed but he's the one who was constantly texting and disappearing off to the loo.

Sorry but he's being a real bastard here. He should be on his knees begging you for your forgiveness. I'm really sorry he's putting you through this.

and it shows that as with you (won't go to counselling and 'hear' your anger) he is also professionally incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. how he looks matters more than doing the right thing.

it is very true that he shouldn't even be on that interview panel.

IME you'll never get over that jealously that is currently consuming you, you'll always be thinking 'he's late, what are they up to?'.....I agree with other posters, he really should not be on that interview panel at all.....

I feel for you OP :(

You poor thing. Clearly he's taking no responsibility for any of this. No wonder you feel so sick to the pit of your stomach at the prospect of them working together (leaving aside the larger professional issues) because if he thinks he's done nothing wrong then what's to say he won't do "nothing wrong" again ?? In any case, he knows damn well he has indeed done something wrong - even if he is too selfish to properly acknowledge your clear distress - because he refuses to confide in his boss. If he genuinely believed he was holier than thou then what would he have to lose by professionally discussing a situation which might potentially have wider ramifications for the company should it all turn nasty at some point down the line ? Obviously there's a conflict of interest with him being on the interview panel at all ... how can he assess this woman (even if she is good at her job) with true integrity if they've both already overstepped the line re: an appropriate working relationship ?

It is NOT up to him to declare you are "obsessed" - after six bloody weeks FFS ! Nor is it up to him to decide further joint counselling isn't necessary when clearly you as the injured party feels that it is. Truth be told he doesn't want to be reminded of what he did and you have to ask yourself why that is. Someone who was genuinely sorry and had a moment of madness due to stress or whatever would feel mortified once they realised how much they'd hurt you and would want to put things right as you saw fit. It's not like you're earbashing him still after 6 years .... surely at this early stage it's completely understandable for the innocent party to want to set the pace re: counselling and reconcilliation etc ? It seems he just wants to pretend it never happened. He must be really thick if he can't see why countless over familiar texts - about which he was secretive (why if they were so bloody innocent ?) is justified cause for you to be upset ..... it is so not "nothing". Coming out with remarks like that is just utter crap which no number of nights out are ever going to fix. I don't see how something like this can ever be fixed until he accepts full responsibility for what he did ... and stops belittling your feelings. And if he feels he did nothing wrong then that is why counselling is so vital - to help him (in theory) bloody well understand just why you are so upset. He's behaving like a petulant spoilt brat caught with his fingers in the sweetie jar .... I rather think, reading between the lines, and based on his remarks, that he actually feels resentment towards you for spoiling his fun ... it almost seems as if in a way you're being punished for daring to be hurt, e.g. calling you obsessed (with its implications of mental ill health).

This is what I was referring to earlier. He is putting is employers at severe risk if he is on her panel and assumes a line management role. And like I said, lying by omission to his employers and risking both your livelihood and his employers' reputation and finances if there is an employment tribunal, has links to what he has done to you OP. He's being dishonest with them, as he's been dishonest with you.

You've answered an earlier question of mine in your posts today. No he isn't prepared to make sacrifices for your marriage.

I also read your other threads OP. I think it would be a good thing if you did, because reading your posts over the past few months has been like a joining- the-dots puzzle. It also poses fresh questions about a similar incident earlier in your marriage, I think.

Overall, I think it's time to jolt your husband out of his complacency and make him decide what he's willing to lose. I also hope you're going to discuss with your counsellor when your depressive feelings started. I'd be interested whether they pre-dated him?

OP having read your other posts I'm sorry but I'd bet my house on your h having an affair with this woman. Didn't you say in a previous post he was the manager, she the assis/manager and this 'crush' has been going on 8 years? Why on earth are you still tolerating this?

I got a weird sense that the normally spot on posters missed some vital signs in your older threads. It seems to me your h is using your previous experience of being cheated on against you and calling into question your mental health. Odd though that the CBT person thought you didn't need them, but to work on your self esteem. I agree, and a healthy self esteem is not putting up with this. He went out after the baby injured her head, his fault for leaving her, he stayed an hour more despite dd needing a lift, he moans about his shirts for same night out, takes phone to the loo and is gone ages...

He is a bastard.

Perfume there were two girls at work, I wasn't sure which one was the problem. The older one who's had a crush on him for years was the one he talked about. I thought she was the main problem for quite a while. Seems the one he kept quiet about was the one to be worried about. Older one has transferee, leaving this position vacant for assistant manager.
I've said it to him already, again dismissed, I think he has boundary issues and basically likes the adoration of the women around him. I don't think I'll ever be enough.

OP this doesn't change how it appears to me, and deep down how it is making you feel. Even your user name sums up your (incorrect I believe) state of mind. We have intuition for a reason. Yours has been telling you for years that all is not as it seems. And it seems there are women just flinging themselves at your poor, defenselss dh

I don't think you're being paranoid in the least. You listened to your gut and installed the tracking thing on the phone and were proved right, something was going on behind your back, even if you believe not physical. Instead of this pulling your dh back, he is calling you and warning you this woman is going to be working closer with him. Fait accompli, and the opposite of what a devastated dh would do. First she was the only appicant suitable, now there is another guy but, low and behold, dh doesn't rate him.

I'll bet he doesn't.

Jesus fucking christ he's a wanker. Sorry, but he is.

• He's 'done nothing wrong'

• It's just a bit of male ego boosting

• He wont go to counselling because you get too angry

-He's called you a crazed woman

-He wants you to shut up about it

-He thinks after 6 weeks (well less actually) that you should be over it

-He thinks you are just going to have to accept her being his assistant

I wouldn't have him in the house. He could fuck right off and stay there.

However, it's your relationship, not mine, and you have to do what is right for you.

What you said to him Wednesday night was really good, but sadly, I don't think it's made any difference to him.

I think you need to tell him that he has other options (candidates who might not be as good at the job but wont ruin his marriage) and that if she ends up being the bosses chosen candidate for his assistant, either he tells his boss or he leaves you

HE NEEDS TO BE OPEN ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP! If the man doesn't get tit he will say it's because he's obsessed with the female candidate & if the man gets iut ow could make out he's abused his position of trust with her, He cannot be on that interviewing panel!!

FWIW, he is telling half truths so that you accept he has toi work more closely with OW. Surely any company wioth only 2 internal candidates would widen the field externally?

you are right to be angry, but like others say, be angry with him.

I get the vibe that he just LOVES all the attention, 2 women fighting over him...he sounds a loser and a liar.

Yes I know he's been an idiot and unkind at times, but I'm far from perfect too, and this is my marriage, my family, my life.
I've struggled for many years with depression, since being pregnant with our first son. I detached for quite a while, just as a method of coping with life. He's stayed with us, kept a roof over our heads, and come home from a full days work and ploughed straight in with the kids and hoovering, tidying etc that I hadn't managed to do.
He is being much better is his efforts to sort our marriage out. There is no more secret texting at home. He admitted during another blow up this morning that maybe he is too friendly, gives off the wrong vibes, maybe not professional enough, he is trying to change.
He's still not going to do anything different about the vacant position, he will be on the panel, I've told him I think its actually v unprofessional but it's his choice.
I just have to wait and see what happens and how I deal with the news. We talked briefly about my issues, but I did say rather than try to use them to blame me for being so upset, he should have actually tried harder to protect me from this sort of stuff. He didn't argue that one, I feel like we got somewhere this morning, thank you all. Told him I don't think him having a female assistant was a good idea but we'll have to wait and see. It is a very vigorous selection process, with presentations and scenarios, so if she's not up to the job she won't get it.
I will however stay hyper vigilant to any returning warning signs, and I won't be afraid to gather more evidence if needs be. I won't go through this all again, he knows that.

So your depression didn't pre-date him? Would be useful to share that with your therapist. You seem to have connected it to your pregnancy. If you didn't have any depression with earlier pregnancies, the common denominator might not be pregnancy, but him.

I'm sorry you seem to be settling for so little, but like I said before, that's a choice you're making. Just as he is choosing to disregard your opinions about his unprofessionalism and your feelings about him working alongside this woman.

He knows that you won't leave him, so there's no incentive to do anything difficult. He's probably resigned to a few rows every now and then, but knows that normal service will resume in the meantime and he can carry on as normal.

What a shame.