So fecking angry!

[paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife]

DH has just had to break the news to me that the chavvy fecking bitch who has been making a play for him is the only candidate suitable for promotion at work that has applied. yesterday was closing date online.
Whilst he said no, I've got kids and a wife he did indulge in some lighthearted flirty text banter with her for numerous months. All out in the open now and he is being very good, no more taking his phone into toilet, ensuite etc, but i'm a paranoid wreck and this news has left me shaking.
I'm so f#@king angry, how dare she even have the nerve, she a brazen f#@king bitch.
I know I'm being irrational and stupid but let me vent here for a while please for the sake of not venting at him, he knows how hard this is for me and is concerned about how we'll cope on a daily basis, he doesn't want the grief from me all the time.

Look, did your H have an affair with this woman or not? If he had an affair with her, it's understandable you are angry (though her career is still none of your business), if it was nothing more than a few texts then you are nuts and need to address your jealousy. Unless you lock your H in the house he is going to see other women and have the occasional social interaction with them.

He's trying to regain my trust but it will take a long time, this has just thrown a spanner in the works.
I posted at first in the heat of the moment when he first rang to tell me. I didn't want to fly into an apoplectic rage the moment he walked through the door. Not for his sake, but for mine and the kids.

Solid, cheers for the support.
He didn't have a physical affair, they exchanged far too many texts in secret over many months. Not being technically unfaithful but a breech of trust and too many steps too far in my eyes.
Yes I may well be nuts, but I'm trying to work on that, and at least I don't get my kicks and self esteem boost from flirting with my married boss.
DH was/is an arse, I know that, but he kept it a few steps away from cheating.
We have a family and many years invested together
I'm not ready to throw that away yet, but am definitely finding it hard. DH also knows that if he acts like a ridiculous fool again I will leave him.

Can't he say she isn't suitable for the job and advertise externally? There's no way I'd want her being the Assistant Manager to my Manager DH - over one of their dead bodies.

It goes on previous reviews aswell. Unfortunately she's not bad at her job.

you can't advise that a man discriminates over a female applicant because he had a daliance with her and his wife won't like it surely chipping? are you seriously thinking that's ethical?

HE should be looking to change jobs. not to ruin her career. he should have been looking for a new job from the moment he was caught if he was serious about making things work at home.

Right, so he did have an affair with her then. I'd also be expecting him to change jobs, if he were serious about it working.

I am seriously thinking it will help to save his marriage and that I don't care about it not being fair on her - tough shit, the price you pay for messing around with a married man. If you want professional treatment, act professionally

Ruin her career? Slightly exagerating one promotion aren't you? No reason she can't look for another job, with another company.

Both of them could, but as the OP has said, he's been there 14 years and it's a secure job, in a secure company.

Both of them are in the wrong - but them working together on a daily basis isn't going to help anyone is it.

OP - maybe suggest the DH speaks to his boss and explains the situation. They probably wouldn't want them working together either - maybe one of them could be moved to another team/base/area.

he chose to have an affair with a subordinate at his place of work,he a married man.

he then wants to find ways to block her getting a promotion she is the best qualified candidate for.

if he does she can quite rightly take him to tribunal and win the case with a long drawn out, embarrassing and stressful procedure.

he was the boss, he chose to have an affair with a subordinate and would now like to block the subordinates career progression for his convenience? who has acted least 'professionally' in this?

i do feel for you OP - it's a nightmare. i suspect it would be more of a nightmare being dragged through a tribunal and him potentially being sacked for professional misconduct and discrimination type stuff.

he should be looking for another job or asking for a transfer.

She might not be bad at her job. But she behaves inappropriately at work. As does your dh.

Can he not say that he would like to see more applicants than just one, therefore they have to advertise the job externally?

So ChippingIn - you think it's ok to not give her a promotion, but to let him off the hook because he's been working there longer.

That is ridiculous. And I have no doubt that if someone higher up found out, they'd both be in a shitload of trouble. Not as much trouble as he would be if it was discovered that he'd blocked her promotion because his wife wasn't happy, though.

I know you are looking for a safe place OP, but lets face it, your DH is a dick.

There he is getting away with it..oh will the poor mite not get to go to the Christmas Party? Will he be made uncomfortable at work?? Well tough fucking shit.

He is responsible for his actions, and is answerable to you. Whatever the OW wears or says, he is the one that should have said, please go away, I am not interested. It was up to him to be open and honest. I would say that my morals would not allow me to become the OW but if I was and I was passed over for promotion becaus wee wifey took umbrage, I would have that company hauled up before a tribunal so fast.....

Vent away OP but direct it at the proper person.

I don't think you are nuts btw. Mid - November? Very, very recent then. I think you are more than entitled to be at the shouting at him stage. Ultimately however, your DH needs to sort this situation. Give this woman her promotion if she deserves it but if the two of you can't live with this, your H needs to accept he crossed a line (repeatedly) and he should make plans to change his work situation.

I have vented, repeatedly. But do I keep venting and blowing a fuse, to the point that its me destroying our marriage?
Any change to his career leaves us in an unsafe position, he also has really good work/home balance when fully staffed. Often home by just before five pm. Any sideways move in same company has much worse hours.

This only happened 6 weeks ago. You are more than entitled to continue being angry.

I wonder if he realises that what he has done is actually really serious. If this came out, he'd be lucky not to go through a tribunal.

he doesn't have a good home/work balance.

he's just had an affair with a colleague.

but if he changes his career you'll be in an unsafe position?

so basically she should just disappear so that he is not inconvenienced at all by his behaviour?

seriously if i was her (not that i've ever cheated on or with anyone) i'd go to tribunal. this is totally disgusting treatment.

actually it wasn't even an affair was it?

you want this woman discriminated against and employment law broken because your husband exchanged flirty texts with her.

that is just deranged.

How do you know he wasn't physically unfaithful.

I think he must be very glad that you're putting all the blame for this on her.

If your marriage is destroyed it will be him who did it. He did a terrible thing to you.

It's okay to be angry with this woman. You'd have to be made of stone not to feel anger.

It's not okay to suppress anger towards your husband, or to feel that if you don't, your marriage's failure will be your responsibility.

It's obvious that this woman isn't sorry towards her own partner, or she would never have applied for a job working alongside the man she had an affair with. It's understandable that he and you would feel threatened by this.

Your husband should await the outcome of this woman's application and if she gets the job, should immediately step down from being her manager. If necessary, he should explain to his own boss why he cannot work with her. It would be unethical and unprofessional for him to manage her now anyway, quite apart from the damage it will do to your marriage and the suffering you will endure if they continue working together.

Stop downplaying this.

It was an affair. It wasn't just a few texts. You must have your own reasons for believing this didn't degenerate into a physical relationship, but what your husband did is grounds for divorce and it's a mistake to minimise it.

Your conditions for staying with him should include amongst other things that they do not work together. But he's the one who needs to make that happen and as the more senior of the two, is the one who needs to suffer the consequences at work.

Is he prepared to make that sacrifice for his marriage?

Well said Charbon.

Santa, I've never asked him to discriminate against her, nor would he. I just got pissed off at the situation. You sound vehemently against my views and like to twist everything I've said since the opening rant here. Hidden agenda?

If I make my dh transfer he may well lose the one day off we all get as a family. He'llget another but on a school and will have to work much later shifts some nights. That won't help matters. I just feel beaten by the whole thing.
He is really trying, being very loving and intimate when I need reassuring. Booking us a night away soon, we have a nights childcare from inlaws as a Christmas pressie.
I just freak at the moment when I think of it all.
I just need to reassure myself as well that he's with me, not the little tart who puts herself all over the net for men to drool on. Good for some fun I suppose but not relationship material.

Thank you charbon and Clara.