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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found a condom wrapper

582 replies

KissMyShineyRedA · 20/12/2011 14:54

I'm freaking out. As some of you know my DP went on a business trip. He borrowed my bag for hand luggage. I've just found the corner piece of a condom wrapper. I don't know what to do. I need to ask him face-to-face. Is there any way this could be innocent?! Help

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 09:58

Yes, I agree, but surely you should spend your whole life finding people you can have faith in? If you have made a decision to trust someone you should trust them until you have reasonable reason not to - and obviously 'reasonable' varies from person to person, and from situation to situation. If he had ever cheated on you before I'd agree this is proof enough he's cheated again.

janajos · 22/12/2011 10:13

Move on indeed. You have doubts about where it came from; I usually find that my instincts are right in these cases and if you think it just might have been in there from before, then it probably was.

There is too little here to jeopardise a relationship that is otherwise very good.

Happy Christmas, try to trust and forget

PeppermintParsonsNose · 22/12/2011 10:18

Yes, Happy Christmas Kiss, I hope you can enjoy some time off with him. You seem switched on to me, you'll be ok. Cheers Wine

momnipotent · 22/12/2011 10:21

Only you know what's in your heart and gut OP. Merry Christmas, Kiss. I wish you much happiness.

I'm shocked by the story of the man marrying OW on his original wedding anniversary. Guess he won't have to worry about the potential embarrassment of remembering the wrong date. Confused

BecauseImperfect · 22/12/2011 10:49

I'm actually pleased for you op. It's infuriating when people on here start hanging drawing and quartering. Stating as fact he has been shagging around even prostitutes.

Just because it happens to you, doesn't mean everyone is at it. I don't like people pushing an op's train of thought, potentially encouraging them to destroy an OK relationship. Some do treat it like a soap opera.

Only you know him, only you know if this is the probable truth, no one else.

Just as a side note. You'd be SHOCKED and I mean SHOCKED at the "debris" left lying around in hotels by lazy housekeeping even in supposed 5* hotels.

It it totally plausible, despite everyone suggesting so being laughed at and mocked on your thread. That he threw his clothes into a draw as men do and a tiny bit got caught up and transferred into the bag, or like you say.

Despite you mocking me, I'm glad I went against the grain on this one. The hysterical majority aren't always right and thinking of how the op feels. Just how they would.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 10:54

you should see the ravel podges I have been staying in. bleurgh.

ameliagrey · 22/12/2011 11:27

Kiss i am pleased you are relieved and hope it works out.

I do think however that you have to be honest with you Smile Surely you would know if that bag had been anywhere near you when you had sex pre- this man, and used condoms?

Ther is also the unlikely prospect- no one has mentioned this- that he could have been in his room with another man- gay sex???

I think you should allow the dust to settle but keep an open mind.

As someone else has said- you are very young and although no one is wishing a broken heart on you, if the worst happens it will be a live and learn experience.

BettyBedlam · 22/12/2011 11:32

I hope it works out OP. The thing that worried me reading through your post is your comment something along the lines of 'I don't want to end up like my mother'. What do you mean by that? Did your father cheat on her? I guess I am wondering in the back of my mind whether he did and whether that has caused you to be attracted to a man who will cheat on you?

PeppermintParsonsNose · 22/12/2011 11:43

ravel podges Stealth?! An intentional typo? I wouldn't want to stay in a ravel podge Xmas Grin

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 11:46

yes, intentional, I still stay there and would hate them to ban all bears :)

PeppermintParsonsNose · 22/12/2011 11:47
Xmas Smile
Abitwobblynow · 22/12/2011 16:40

Follow your gut. That reaction doesnt sound guilty to me.

I, on the other hand chose to believe on the reasonable grounds that he had made vows, I knew he loved me and we had been through so much together, when my gut was screaming otherwise.

And my gut was right and my logic was way out

clam · 22/12/2011 17:00

But it could be that being unfaithful isn't much of an issue to him. In which case, he probably wouldn't look guilty.

8oreighty · 22/12/2011 17:22

Been following this feeling quite concerned for you kiss. And just to say ... Last night around 11 i got a text that said
'hi 'my name' it's nick the fireman remember you asked me to text you, how's things?'
and I have no knowledge whatsoever about who nick the fireman is. I just told my dh and laughed, and am very grateful he believes me!!! weird shit just happens sometimes...

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 17:40

I'm still torn. It's strange because I do believe him. Then there's a niggling voice how the hell did it get there?

betty it's a long story but my mum has been divorced three times and has let men walk all over her. Now she's all alone after missing opportunities with good, decent men and instead went for bad boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 17:43

If I had more proof that something did happen, like texts, emails etc it would've been easier to know what to do.

I feel like I am in limbo. I agree with what a few of you said, I cannot throw away a good man over this, I don't have enough evidence that something did happen.

We're going away tomorrow for Christmas so I'm going to try and not think about it too much

OP posts:
lazarusinNazareth · 22/12/2011 17:45

Tell him you want a bit of space to sort this out in your head. I don't think you can make any big decisions right now. I've also ignored my gut instinct to my detriment in the past and ended up with a much bigger mess to deal with. Your niggling voice is there for a reason.

Slambang · 22/12/2011 17:46

Hi Kiss
The classic MN advice on the 'Is my dp having an affair?' threads is Trust Your Gut Instinct.

So Trust Your Gut Instinct. Your guts say not. So not. Nobody else on MN or in real life can or should persuade you otherwise.

If you twist yourself into knots trying to work out how, why, whether, you lose the trust and that way madness lies. Your guts say trust him so ...do.

Saturdaynightsprout · 22/12/2011 17:48

What about your friends in RL who know him and have met him. What do they think?

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 17:55

My family and friends all really like him. I only told 2 people about this, my sister and my best friend. They both thought it must have got there beforehand. This is coming from two women who have been cheated on previously and have more experience in relationships than me

OP posts:
Saturdaynightsprout · 22/12/2011 18:00

DH went on a business trip to Argentina 15 years ago. He came back with foundation all over the collar of his shirt. Went through the same as above - he honestly didn't know how it had got there. Then thought it could have been during a presentation ceremony and showed me photos of him shaking hands and kissing cheeks of a lady who came up to collar height, as he presented her a certificate, so could have been quite a genuine explanation. I lost a bit of sleep over it, but not much. Nothing since to arouse any suspicions and even though I love him to bits, after almost 25 years of marriage I can't really be arsed to think of it again. Have absolutely no feelings about it as I sit here telling you.

999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE · 22/12/2011 19:12

Saturdaynightsprout
Is that because deep down you know he cheated or because you've gone past caring?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/12/2011 20:46

The selfish behaviour and need for space are red flags here - these along with the condom wrapper makes me think there is more to this Sad

pickofthepops · 22/12/2011 21:30

Hi I have been following and wish you well . For me the odd thing was him going out for food when u confronted him. Can't remember If you said he left his phone with you but even if he did surely if up to no good he could have called from a callbox? Do hope it is all innocent akin to makeup on shirt scenario below ..

minceorotherwise · 22/12/2011 22:09

FWIW, I think he probably didn't do anything. Regardless, you need to move on. You sound like you have decided to give it a go and to do that properly, you need to put it right out of your mind ( not easy I know) and enjoy things. No point letting it go around and around, that will just put a dampener on your plans. If you are choosing to move forward then do it properly, not half heartedly. Stop stressing, is he, isn't he...it will drive you mad, and drive a wedge between you that may be unfounded.