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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found a condom wrapper

582 replies

KissMyShineyRedA · 20/12/2011 14:54

I'm freaking out. As some of you know my DP went on a business trip. He borrowed my bag for hand luggage. I've just found the corner piece of a condom wrapper. I don't know what to do. I need to ask him face-to-face. Is there any way this could be innocent?! Help

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 21/12/2011 23:10

Laughing at all the women who seem to think he would have unpacked into drawers Grin

If it was a one night stand there wouldn't have been anything on his phone.

Some people are good liars.

I guess all you can do now is see how things go - but I'd be insisting on condoms.

Bluebelle38 · 21/12/2011 23:12

First things first OP, I do hope you are OK.

Second thing, how often does an end of a condom wrapper end up in a bag out of acident?

Just because he casually brushed it aside and went for fish and chips is nothing.???? Not all people confirm to the defensive approach.

I hope very much I am wrong and I hope you are OK.

Awaits slating, but I don't believe for a second this is innocent :(

I wouldn't be moving in with him.You may well live to regret it big time in a few months. Maybe this was his last 'fling' before it got serious :(

passionsrunhigh · 21/12/2011 23:14

I don't believe that he lied purely because he couldn't have been prepared for questioning! He had no idea she found a wrapper and VERY few people can lie easily when unexpectedly put on the spot. It's only serial cheaters as decsribed by other posters who turned liying into an art form, they expect questions. He sounds like he is usually honest, and i like that he said that if it happened, he d either admit to it, or end the relationship. As to needing space - it's nothing at all dodgy! I'm like this with any partner for example. I ALWAYS need some time in the day just for me.
It would help to establish how old that wrapper is.If it does look new, then I'd go with the option it being swept up from the hotel drawer or even a chair/armchair where someone left it.

Bluebelle38 · 21/12/2011 23:17

Oh for gGd's sake, you don't have to be a master manipulator to lie on the spot. Anyone with a bit of cop-on and charisma can do that. I've seen it in my line of work a million times. Seriously.

Bluebelle38 · 21/12/2011 23:18

God's

passionsrunhigh · 21/12/2011 23:21

and she never suspected him or questioned him on cheating before, as i understand (did you, OP?), so again he would not have been on some sort of constant alert with ready lies, if he had a one night stand in the US, he wouldn't have expected her to know. OP I think it;s dangerous to be swept away by negative theories - he can well be a good man.

passionsrunhigh · 21/12/2011 23:23

Blue - on this subject? work is different and easier to lie about, this is their future he was jeopardising potentially - and as i say, all his reactions were right and too hard to get them all right while she's crying etc., if he was at fault. You do have to be a 'master' in this very context.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 21/12/2011 23:24

Blimey I am in 2 minds OP.

What a :( situation.

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 23:35

Well, she did call him and ask him to come over, unplanned. That would have raised his suspicions.

When you are guilty, you get paranoid, and he may have been thinking all kinds of crazy scenarios that could have given her a clue.

That's why I don't think it means anything that there's nothing on his phone.

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 23:39

Maybe some Occam's Razor would help? The idea that the simplest explanation is usually the best?

Which is more likely:

While thousands of miles away, with plenty of opportunities to get drunk, and on the eve of moving in, he cheats on you

OR

A stray condom wrapper left in the hotel room is accidentally swept into his bag.

Either of them could have happened (although I take the point that it's interesting that of all the pieces of rubbish that end up in the bag, it's a condom wrapper).

But OP, probably only you know which is more likely

With the context you've provided in your other threads as well, I'd be leaning toward the first. But only you can know.

passionsrunhigh · 22/12/2011 00:00

well, if it was a one nighter after a drunken office party, then there won't be anything on his phone anyway. It's just that if he is not a habitual cheater (and OP did say that she trusted him so far!), I really don't think he could lie at length and hold eye contact easily - and never even go slightly red?? he must have felt guilty..Of course there is a chance that he was always cheating without her knowing and is well practiced in lies -reactions. that would be really horrid, but she has to listen to hte sixth sense or smth then, see also how he behaves tomorrow - if he doesn't flip into anger or pther delayed reactions. Most people are not that good at upsetting partner and then smoothly lying - in a new promising relationship with plans? maybe an ltr which gone sexless, but not a fresh r-ship. He doesn't evenknow her yet SO well as to know how to press all right buttons. If the wrapper is old it could ve got into bag years ago from bedroom floor where it was.
Imagine he is innocent, yes, it's more likely in thoery that exp;anation is bad, but if the less likely is true (and it can be) how unfair is to chuck him over this?

999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE · 22/12/2011 00:28

Lie detector test anyone? Aka Jeremy kyle

confidence · 22/12/2011 00:35

I think it was your post about the bag having had the handbags packed in it for ages that swung it for me. I just don't see how you can be sure that it didn't have any kind of old detritus in it, unless you assiduously hoovered and examined it between times.

I don't think the evidence is anywhere near conclusive enough, so I think if you love him and want to be with him your only choice really is to believe him and put it behind you. Otherwise the suspicion will eat away at both you and the relationship.

Of course there's another aspect as well, which is that if he did sleep with someone it was only a one night stand and he used a condom. So it's not necessarily that significant.

MJinSparklyStockings · 22/12/2011 00:42

He could possibly just be telling the truth.

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/12/2011 00:44

'I was lying awake at 1am and I suddenly remembered I had put two handbags inside the bag beforehand to store. I remember pulling them out before giving it to him. Maybe they fell out of there. But then I thought but there wouldn't have been condoms in those bags as I haven't used one in years in my room. Also I got a new bed last year and hoovered all under it and pulled everything out.
Plus I remember opening the bag before and showing him the straps it has inside, surely I would've noticed the wrapper then? But what of it was down the side of the crease as its a small corner'

Oddly enough that was the post that made me feel that he had cheated. I guess that goes to show that we can all interpret things in such different ways. It looks like you'll just have to trust your instincts. If I were you I would delay moving in with him for a few months.

empirestateofmind · 22/12/2011 02:17

Best case scenario- in twenty years time it will just be one of those funny family stories you and your DH can look back on and laugh at.

Worst case .

If he is telling the truth then making a huge thing of it would be awful. If he is lying was it a one night fling that, though extremely unfortunate, you both can put behind you, or was it indicative of a man who will continue to do this in the future.

Trust your instincts OP and good luck.

oliviasmama · 22/12/2011 06:46

hmmm difficult Sad

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 08:28

Thank you all for your advice.

I woke up this morning happy and relieved.

I don't doubt him. rubyredshoes I have that all already as I've always trusted him, hence why this was such a shocker. He's never been abusive. The only thing s that aren't ideal are his selfish tendencies, which he is fully aware of and is working on, and that he needs his alone time sometimes. But I need that too.

I'm really not sure of the wrapper. In the back of my mind I was always wondering if it was there before as I didn't Hoover it out, like a poster said. Maybe it was down a crease. I really don't know.

This man has overall been good to me. My whole family and all my friends like him. He's very open and kind.

I feel like there's so much to look forward to together to just throw away over this. If I had more proof like dodgy texts this would have a different ending.

Also re his reaction. He didn't have eye contact throughout. When I showed him he looked at it, looked at me and did look away when speaking. His reaction wasn't out of character at all. But then as some of you have said it's very easy to lie.

I feel very torn. I guess either I'll be back on here in a few months, or hopefully I won't. I'm hoping the latter.

Thank you for supporting me through this and holding my hand x

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 22/12/2011 08:29

God, I've just read it back. If I read this and wasn't the op I would be shouting at the screen 'get out woman!'. It's so very different when you are on this side.

My gut instinct was to believe him.

OP posts:
HairyNigel · 22/12/2011 08:49

Fair enough then Kiss. I hope he was telling the truth and I hope you never have to come back on here with anything similar. We'll be here if you do though Xmas Smile

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 22/12/2011 08:55

I have no idea what the truth is. But I have seen 4 or 5 friends get divorced over the last couple of years and there were OW involved in all cases except one. None of them confessed when confronted with evidence and lied to the bitter end. Two of them were denying affairs even when they moved out and were living with the OW. One finally did confess yes she was more than a lodger when he got married again on the same date as his wedding anniversary with friend.

Most recent one, when confronted with undeniable evidence, continued pottering in kitchen saying it was a phone he had borrowed and the texts were nothing to do with him. Was only when friend took his usual phone that he calmly asked her not to. She continued, and turns out he'd been having an affair for 18 months. Whoever said about staying calm has a very good point thinking about it, that's been a factor in all of the above.

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2011 09:00

The thing is, I think if you had posted saying your DP was great, no complaints, oh I found this wrapper, a lot more people would be suggesting that you laugh it off. It is because of the context of your other posts, and some of the other information you shared on this thread, that I think a lot of people are suspicious.

But then, everyone has different levels of 'risk' they will accept. For some people, even one of the issues you have posted about would be enough to say goodbye. Others would tolerate a great deal more than you would. Only you know how much you are comfortable with.

If you want to let this go and just move on with life, of course that's what you should do. I just think you should be very clear-eyed about what you are doing. I forget how old you are in your 20s? If so, well, this is one of the things you do in your 20s, you take big leaps of faith with people and sometimes it pans out, sometimes it doesn't. It can be quite scary, putting your heart in someone else's hands, and doubts are a good thing they can protect us from stupid decisions.

Could you talk to one of your friends about this? Somebody who knows him?

dreamingbohemian · 22/12/2011 09:14

'One finally did confess yes she was more than a lodger when he got married again on the same date as his wedding anniversary with friend.'

Shock
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 22/12/2011 09:41

I know Dreaming Sad. My poor friend was out for a meal with a few of us when she dropped that one into conversation. The rest of just looked at her in stunned silence.

minceorotherwise · 22/12/2011 09:54

Move on, you are never going to know for sure. Try and forget about it and enjoy Christmas and all the things the pair of you are looking forward to. If he's a cheat you will find out in the end, but don't ruin your relationship on the basis of something you are unsure about.