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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
pickofthepops · 21/12/2011 21:35

She is an immature cow who will just as quickly move on to another married man where it is real cloak and dagger. I suspect your DH will be a little tame for her since you have ruined their secrecy attempt. Speaking from experience do tell DH that he will never get as good as he has with you

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 22:10

I hope she thinks twice next time.
I wonder where he's going to sleep tonight.

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QueenCess · 21/12/2011 22:28

Why is she going to think twice.....have I missed something?

Who cares where he stays? Don't give the sleezebag anymore headspace.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 22:49

I just mean I hope she thinks twice.

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Lovingfreedom · 21/12/2011 23:12

I'm sorry to hear this development, Devilsadvocaat. Try to take as much time as you can to think things through - let him stay away for a while so that you can make decisions based on assessing the situation, not on a knee jerk, or on pure anger. Thinking about you and really sorry to hear you're going through all this. Focus on your DH not the OW - she's a tramp, we all know that but she owes you nothing. He's your husband - he is the one with whom you have the relationship. Work out what you want from/with him and don't get distracted by negative vibes to her. She's not worth it. He may or may not be. Take care. You are strong and you will get through this. Good luck.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 23:20

thank you Loving freedom.

You are right of course. I'll move my thoughts away from her now.

Thanks all. Good night x

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Lovingfreedom · 21/12/2011 23:26

Take care. I'm genuinely really sorry to hear that things have escalated so quickly. Please don't feel that you have to rush into any decisions. My DH put a lot of pressure on me to make up my mind about what I wanted. So did his Mum. Realising that I have the right to take all the time I need to make decisions and the right to change my decisions at any time was very empowering. Right now I expect you are all over the place. Try to get some sleep, have a bath, be as nice to yourself as you can. Don't even think about trying to solve everything in one day. He's done this. He can wait. Not because you're punishing him but because you maybe need time to adjust and think it through. Night night and take care. feel for you, I really do x

QueenCess · 22/12/2011 09:07

How are you this morning devils?

catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 09:34

Hi Devils, have just read your update about her 'giving him a boner' and you throwing him out.

I am not surprised by his latest admission, the tone of the texts IMO was suggestive that they had been intimate on some level and that they both obviously wanted more.

I hope that throwing him out will give you some headspace to decide what you want to do next, it is obvious from you posts that things haven't been going well for sometime, use this time to decide what you want to do now, if you can get past what he has done/had intentions of doing.

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. :)

fiventhree · 22/12/2011 09:37

Oh, poor you, Devil, what a roller coaster, and at Christmas, too.

They do drip feed, mine did too in November. Even after he sat down and said look OK, I'll tell you everything, there were two further sets of revelations over the next fortnight.

The continued lying is the worst, especially after they have finally indicated that they understand the need for honesty.

Charbon · 22/12/2011 10:17

I think asking him to leave was a sensible move, because I think in his own shock at getting caught, he compounded what was a terrible situation by lying to you. He needs to reflect that you can never sort this out unless he tells you everything. Steel yourself though, this might be much worse than you thought.

That doesn't mean that you can't come back from this as a couple, but you will never achieve that unless there is complete honesty about the other relationship and the build-up to it.

QueenCess · 22/12/2011 10:30

Time and time again you come across these horrible, miserable indiscretions and it never fails to surprise me how spineless the individuals are who are caught out.

She is one nasty woman.

He is one devious, insensitive turd.

From the way you have handled this, with such dignity, you are streets above the pair of them.

I am sorry your husband is behaving like such a lowlife. x

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 10:58

I'm Ok. Feel nothing for him today. Going over things in my mind tho. He stayed at a friend's house last night. The friend has known me since primary school and I hope dh felt like shit having to explain why he's there.

He looked fucking gutted when he came in this morning.

He won't tell me anything else now, if there is anymore. He's too cowardly.

I'm out doing my shopping now. Have the delightful task of buying his presents so that he has things to open in front of the kids.

I'm trying to stay out all day just to see what he does. Will he make the effort at home? Will he do something that tells me he is really sorry. Not just sorry... but.

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Lovingfreedom · 22/12/2011 11:04

Maltesers or a Toblerone. Pound shop stock both. Seriously, good luck with today. You're doing the right thing at the moment. You're being strong, reasonable and responsible. Hold out for a full confession, apology (that is not just about how much HE has lost) and real action to show you that he might be willing/able to give you something better in a man than he has previously.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 11:05

We had sex yesterday morning before I squeezed the next revelation out of him.

:(

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 11:06

Got to leave the coffee shop I'm hiding in now.

Thanks for being here x

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catherinea1971 · 22/12/2011 11:10

Really feel for you, he likely confessed more after you had sex as he thought the sex meant that all was forgiven. :(

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 22/12/2011 11:10

Oh crap! I'm so sorry that this has happened, I had really hoped for you.

I also say take it easy. Look after yourself.

keep him away until well after christmas (obviously, he'll need to be around for the kids) as I cannot see you being able to make any kind of thoughtful decision until this holiday is over...there's too much going on for the kids.

I also don't think you should decide anything at all until he goes back to school and you know exactly how you feel about that and what you want to happen there.

Lovingfreedom · 22/12/2011 11:13

Don't worry about the sex. At these times I think you can go into a survival type mode that includes getting turned on at bizarre times. I had sex with my DH the night before he moved out, instigated by me and I even said to him 'this is just sex by the way - it doesn't mean anything'. I'm not proud of that but I did it! Passions running very high with arguments also heightens sexual urges I think. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It doesn't make things any better or worse that you had sex.

fiventhree · 22/12/2011 11:19

Devil

Im not sure whether this will help, but I got the full story by making it clear that we were over unless I felt that I had it. I reminded him that I had spotted heaps of inconsistencies in his lies before, and that I would again. I also went with him to Relate, so the revelations were in a wider context.

I did make clear that for me, lying and trust were more important than what he actually did- I would leave over lying but not over the affair (Im not sure how true that was, I did sort of believe that, but it also depended on what I found out, as unlike you I didnt have any concrete details, only years of photos).

The key thing, the critical thing, I think, in making him come clean was that I REALLY MEANT it, and he picked up on this.

MrsJoeDuffy · 22/12/2011 11:43

Either he has to change being that man or you need to accept you're prepared to put with that man. That's the minimum we're talking about here.

that is such such good advice.

It's the utter lack of respect for the mother of his children that gets me. Stop blaming yourself. Being a moody mare from time to time does not justify chasing a young colleague and pawing her on the dancefloor. If that is all it was.

I'm usually not one of the leave-the-bastard brigade cos I'm not walking a mile in that lady's shoes, but in this instance I would say leave the bastard. And possibly have a check at a STI clinic. You don't know he hasn't cheated, and you don't know if he has done it with others.

You sound like such a lovely Mum, and your boys are lucky to have you thinking about them. This is not your doing, and if you decided that this was a deal breaker, that wouldn't be your doing either. You need to have some standards for yourself in terms of what you can live with in a partner and how you expect to be treated.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 14:05

Yes I think I can finally see how it could all be over between us.
I hope he can sense that.

Heading home now, too tired.
My sister says to come to hers but I don't feel like the company. I still feel like I want to be near to him. I hate feeling alone.

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sherbetpips · 22/12/2011 14:12

Personally I would go and see her and tell the cow to back off your man (in a calm manner of course but make sure the point gets across). Some men are easily tempted others are not, last thing a married mum needs is some vixen sniffing around her man.
If he is angry at you for confronting her - tell him that's what happens when he plays silly games like that.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 14:33

I feel it would go one of two ways:

I would punch her repeatedly in the face

Or

I would cry at her

And I am a teacher too so having a run in with the police is not a good idea.

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 14:35

Plus I have already spoken to her And managed to stay dignified.

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