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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 10:43

Regaining control is a weird one. In many ways I feel like only he can reset his boundaries. I don't want to tell him what he can and can't do. I just want him to love me enough to not want to be with anyone else. And the same for me.

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diddl · 21/12/2011 10:45

Payback is a bit childish/risky though-especially considering what he might lose.

I could never have an affair-even if my husband did & tbh I don´t think that my husband could if I did iyswim.

Some people just can´t do it.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 10:50

Well I suppose what I mean is not such a conscious decision. But obviously I broke the boundary and he walked through it.

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JackMatthias · 21/12/2011 10:53

I can so identify with you, particularly with the whole not wanting to throw it all down the pan re an otherwise reasonably good marriage and for the sake of the children etc. DW and I do want to sort it out and have already arranged counselling. Part of that process has begun now with her being totally candid (I do believe her on this point because she hasn't been afraid to spare my blushes) about the extent of her relationship with the OM and I think your DH needs to do likewise with you - in nothing else, you need to know exactly what you're being asked to forgive him for.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2011 10:54

You are right is saying that only he can control his fidelity - but you both do need to tell each other what you would consider as inappropriate behaviour, boundaries and what would your deal breakers be....

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 21/12/2011 10:55

He really not the slime ball type.

No, i can imagine he is not. If it were that clear cut, then it would be a lot easier to deal with Sad.

For what it is worth, I can totally see what it is you are saying.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 11:05

Do I even know what my deal breakers are?

I guess after this I Have found out that I'd take him back after anything.

I can't be on my own. Or with anyone else. I couldn't chuck him out.

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 11:06

Thank you chestnuts. It's hard to explain on here without looking like a completely blinkered fool.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2011 11:12

You really do not want to have a life of misery and heartbreak - what will your DC learn about adult relationships? Sad What if the affair ends up with him leaving you?

My H had an affair and he knows that this is his last chance, he is aware of my dealbreakers and that I would not hesitate to kick him out should he choose to break these,

I would start work on improving your self esteem - you are worth so much more.

Charbon · 21/12/2011 11:20

What has been the build-up with this woman? You said you told him she liked him - what was his reaction? Have there been other things that have caused you unease in recent months i.e. has he been socialising with work colleagues on his own a lot or wanting to go to things without you?

Has he been honest with himself about what would have happened if you hadn't found those messages?

Has he said that he was trying to punish you, or are you assuming there is a cause and effect here?

You're right about only him having control over his own boundaries, but do you see that by thinking your own behaviour has caused this, you're still thinking you can control his actions?

Reflect too on why you personally had so much self-control. Was this because your husband was wonderful and your marriage was great, or was it because of your own values, about yourself?

Beware of assigning your own personal values to your husband and making what might be wrong assumptions about why this has happened. In terms of what you know, you have learnt that your husband has weaker boundaries and this is probably part of your shock.

Your husband might not be a slime-ball, but being weak and unable to resist all the feel-good factors in an affair are very human failings. All you know at the moment is that your husband is weaker than you - how much more and why is still unknown and for you both to find out.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 19:14

When I said she liked him, he dismissed it. It didn't really seem to register really.

He admitted that if I hadn't found the messages that he wouldn't have told me. He said he admits he's a liar.

He didn't say it was pay back or as a result of what I did. That was my deduction.

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KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:22

Your deduction glasses are a bit wonky at the mo, I'd go easy on beating yourself up over this.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 19:58

I just quizzed him further on it. Something wasn't sitting right about the level of the texts and he admitted that she rubbed her hands on his dick and gave him a boner.

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KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 20:06

Classy chick, isn't she?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 21/12/2011 20:10

Devil, I had my first hypno-psychotherapy session with a lovely woman today. Most was me giving info but the one thing she wanted me to take with me was "It's not my fault!" No matter what issues we had in our marriage, we should have turned to each other. My and your husband chose, yes they chose to put a bomb of bad emotions in there instead. Now it's gone off, do NOT blame yourself.
I'm a couple of weeks further down the line than you, but Friday night I'mgoing out for a drink and meal with some other mums. We're putting on dresses and heels and hitting the local City, while dh has an evening with his best mate. You should do something similar, show him you're worth fighting for not just a doormat or a mother replacement.
I know you feel like crap right now, but try to be strong. Take care.xx

Charbon · 21/12/2011 20:24

Well no, of course he wouldn't have told you, but that's not what I meant. Does he admit he would have taken things further if you hadn't found out? I wonder whether he answered this question so obtusely because in some weird morality haze, he couldn't lie to your face?

I think you're going to get a bit of a drip-feed of information here and fresh shocks.

Be prepared to consider that he might have done this anyway even if life had been trouble-free and you hadn't had your own temptations.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:04

I have chucked him out.

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Akiram · 21/12/2011 21:13

devil Sad for you. It is shit shit shit when things like this happen.
What do you want to happen now?

QueenCess · 21/12/2011 21:14

Is it for some space or have you reached the end?

You poor thing. Why can't they just be honest rather than all this dripfeed nonsense?

I am sorry that you are going through this. Keep posting. x

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:16

I'm so confused.
I'm sick of him lying to me.
I asked him directly yesterday to tell me if anything more than him touching her bum happened and he denied denied denied.

We had a long chat and I just need him out the house now.

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:18

When I went to my Mum's, my cousin was there and he said he saw dh in the bar last night. My stomach was sick. My whole family was at lunch.

Dh said she gave him a boner on the fucking dance floor. So fucking brazen.

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:21

I text another colleague of his. She is friends with ow. I asked her to help squash the gossip among the staff for me. I don't want them all thinking I don't know and that I'm a fool.

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Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:22

Feeling very different again. Very cold and numb.

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pickofthepops · 21/12/2011 21:25

... That raddled trollop who touched another woman's man's willy is the fool NOT YOU, and sorry to say so is he. Focus on knowing you can hold your head high.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 21:29

How dare she.
She tried her fucking best didn't she.
She's lucky I didn't know that before I spoke to her.

I fucking hate him right now.

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