what do I do now?

[devilsadvocaat]

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

Affect.

Dont blame the OW. Save your anger for your DH. He's the one who made a commitment to you.

I hope you can work through it. Whether or not you forgive shold depend on his reaction and if this is a one off.

I agree with counting 10 Good luck OP.

Its only up to you as to whether this is a deal breaker or not. Many relationships do recover form infidelity. Despite what Baypolar says.

Thanks for the input, things have moved on a bit tho.

Prob not much help but have pm'd you. Just wanted to hold your hand for a bit.

Does your mum know the full story?

"The darkest hour is before the dawn"

thanks. She knows.
Work tomorrow. That'll keep me busy at least.

Try and get to a solicitor this week, and try and get some decent sleep. The pressure and stress have been on-going for a few months now.
Even though there is now a massive amount to sort out I hope that making the actual decision to split will give you some peace and clarity.

When does he go to work? If you're going to be there from 1pm until kids bed time, surely you'll be seeing him then anyway? I would strongly advise against removing yourself from the family home. If he is the childrens carer during the night and when they first wake in the morning, he will use this as ammunition against you when you go for custody.

I think you need to try your very hardest to emotionally detach from him, and set about planning your future. Open a bank account, see a solicitor, find out where you stand financially if you split. Try and keep your distance from him while remaining resident in your home. That way you will still be the one who gets up to the kids in the night if they're ill, rather than him.

If you spend your nights somewhere else and class yourself as having "moved out", you will significantly affect your chances of custody in my opinion. Everyone here has advised that you go back.

I will go back and do what you say. But I'll go tomorrow.
I can't face it tonight.

You don't really need to argue. Just reinforce that you can't live with him and need to separate/divorce.

In any case, if you were there tomorrow until bedtime, you would still argue in front of the children. :(

But it will be hard, yes.

Things were so much better. Why the fuck did he lose it yesterday? We have even booked holidays for Easter and summer. I mean wtf.

Do you feel that you both resolved the issues surrounding the Christmas do (counselling) or has it been glossed over, fake-it-till-you-make-it style?

I'm having counselling but he isn't.
I've begged him a couple of times to go to gp to get us referred.
He asked me to book him a doc appointment which I did. It was yesterday. He wasn't happy with me when I asked him about it as he said I wasn't listening to him properly. But when he was telling about the appointment, it was about his asthma and weird foot thing.

He told me yesterday that I have no interest in him. That I don't 'dote' on him enough. Then I said ffs. What do you expect after what happened. Then he told me that I should take some responsibility for it because I hurt him too.

He said I've ruined his life. That's why I've left.

but previously to yesterday and today, things had been good.
so what the hell is going on?

Any time that I bring up what has happened, he gets really pissed off. Tells me I need to get past it. He basically tells me that I'm partly to blame because I told him once that I didn't love him any more. However, we weren't in That place when it happened. And in fairness to myself, he had told me that no one else would ever want to be in a relationship with me. We sound delightful don't we?

But he can't take responsibility for it. So stalemate really.

Depends on the discussions you have had, and how truthful he's been.

Realistically, the subject isn't closed until you both feel it is. Also, he has misused your trust so this isn't something you just get past, this is something he has to help you through.

He 's not giving you much to work with though if it's only you going to counselling. If he can't accept responsibility for hs behavior destabilizing the relationship then it's not stalemate, it's finished, as you deserve more.

Exactly.

Oh, above, I meant occupation order.
It may be useful/granted if he is harassing you, picking up fights and making life unbearable to the point that you feel you can't live in the same house.

But again, you will be told about all that stuff if you ask for legal advice.

How did things go today?

I moved back in yesterday. Tried to talk things through together but all he does is blame me.

He said to me last night that I make him lie.

He's texted me today and said he's sad and lost without me.

DOn't know why he kicked off at the weekend. JUSt don't understand.

Got my confirmation for the hotel and dinner I booked for our 10th anniversary.

Glad to be back home with my boys.