Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2011 17:57

"I don't want to leave him crunch.
He's in a bit of a state.
He cried. That's the 3 rd time in 10 years we've been together.
I know it seems shit but I really love him.
I hope it's the same for him, time will tell".

Crocodile tears designed to weaken you and pull at your heartstrings. You are being played.

Not its not the same for him; he has been conducting an emotional affair with this woman for some considerable time and has distanced himself emotionally and physically from your marriage. His actions towards you are indicative to my mind of him not giving a toss for you and by turn your children.

Re this earlier comment of yours:-
"If it ever happens again, then we will be gone".

Are you really prepared to give this sap another chance?. You are too good for him, sadly you do not realise that yet. He may well have a lower sex drive now because that is no longer for you exclusively but for the OW.

"And we fight
and we cry
and we tell the same lies
about love".

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 18:07

:( well if I don't give it another turn, I will forever wonder whether I should have.

This is my family. My life. I can't throw it away on one mistake in 10 years.

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 20/12/2011 18:09

that you know of

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 18:09

Even good people make mistakes.

Granted he made many today.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 18:10

Even good people make mistakes.

Granted he made many today.

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 20/12/2011 18:11

He could start by telling you the truth.

That would be the action of a good person.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 18:48

None of you know for sure op's dh has had a physical affair. OP needs support, not everyone calls time on a 10yr plus marriage at the first big hurdle, you could call that giving up.
As I said earlier, some men, mine included don't do big grovelling apologies, and yes my dh also rang trampy knickers to apologise for putting her in that position and my ringing to scare the bejesus out of her. He has however in the last few weeks shown me he is sorry in his actions and the way he is with me. If I'd kicked his sorry ass out because his wasn't apologetic enough we could have finished our marriage which is now slowly becoming much stronger.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 18:50

The truth is a minimum. If he is still not telling you anything then all he is crying about is the mistake he made in being more careful to hide the messages from you. Even if you intend to stay with him, don't make it too easy for him. He needs to see that you know you have options and even if you want to make it work, it's not at any cost. You have your limits even if they have not (yet) been crossed. You said yourself you would be shitting yourself if it was you. He should be tail between legs willing to do anything to make things work with you and make amends.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 19:16

Thank you paranoid.
I know everyone means well but I do believe him.
It would be sad to walk away at the first sign of trouble. It's on my shoulders if he did it again.

Still, All opinions welcome.
Going out at 8.

Today was hard. It was easier knowing so many strong women were behind me. And a couple of strong men!

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 20/12/2011 19:19

We are here, you lovely girl. Whenever you need us.

tessa6 · 20/12/2011 19:22

'It's on my shoulders if he did it again?' No, love, his. His.

Be careful about being a martyr. It's either that or you're carrying guilt about your own past/feelings and don't feel qualified to make judgements anymore. Only honest communication can put that right. If you believe him that's great. Just be aware that what you believe is he a man who flirts with women by telling them he's like to have sex with them if there was a place convenient for him to do that. Either he has to change being that man or you need to accept you're prepared to put with that man. That's the minimum we're talking about here.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 19:54

It will be on his shoulders if he f#@ks up again devil, make sure you and he agree this.
I made perfectly clear I didn't want the kind of marriage where my DH was secretly texting in the bathroom or texting young girls from work about non work related stuff. Started out work then slid into flattery and flirting. Told him he could find a new wife if that was the kind of marriage he now wanted. I also knew I had neglected him previously, but some of that was down to his poor communication and mine. If I didn't want sex I also didn't want a cuddle in case of wandering hands. We both could have handled that differently than lying back to back both feeling alone bitter and unloved every night.
If you can, start afresh from this. DH feels less detached now than he had for a few months, you might be able to salvage this with honesty and openers from now on. Good luck.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 19:56

Openness not openers sorry.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 06:29

The dinner went well. I can't even remember the last time we went out just the two of us. We have promised to each other to make more of an effort.

I want to love him indefinitely again. It's So hard with young children. Every second of The day feels consumed with them and we both feel strung out and frustrated. I know we have both gone down the escapism route with someone else.

All this aside. LAst night I woke at 2 and couldn't get back to sleep at thoughts of him and her together. I wanted to wake him up and have sex with him. I feel like I need to be validated. IT's very strange and I feel really messed up. I don't know how I'll get past that feeling.

I'm also dreading him going back to work. Him getting another job isn't an option for reasons I can't explain here.

I just hate the thought that people will be discussing me and feeling sorry for me behind my back.

Going to my Mum's today for a big family lunch and will try to immerse myself and avoid all these thoughts. When you're in bed in the middle of The night, there's no escape!

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 06:33

By the way Tessa, you are spot on with the guilt thing.

I feel very much 'what goes around...' at the moment.

Guilt is a massive issue for me. It's not just this situation but in all my life choices.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 21/12/2011 07:05

OP why don't you both go for some counselling, individual and joint. It will help you come to terms with whatever happened in the past to make you feel so guilty and help you both communicate better so you don't need these "escapes". Life is very hard with young DC, money worries, work pressures etc. One thing DH and I took away from our marriage crisis was the fact that the marriage and our relationship should be no 1 priority, without the marriage/relationshio there was no family, no security for our DC, money pressures would be worse etc, etc. Get the book Not Just Friends, it raises the issue of "child centred" marriages and how these are vunerable to affairs (physical and emotional) and it also has valuable advice on how to rebuild a marriage, how to cope with those images at 2.00am etc.

You do need your DH to be completely open with his phone etc, for him to tell you of any contact he has with OW - absolutely no secrets on that front. I personally think you will find it hard to cope knowing he has continual contact with her and again counselling may help you with this and him to understand the problem and why another job maybe necessary (again what is your marriage worth ? Him actively seeking new employment would show you in actions what it means to him).

Good luck (and the need to have sex with him is called Hysterical Bonding - you may find you will go off sex completely when you work your way through the grieving process when anger, sadness etc kicks in, you are probably in a certain amount of denial, shock and bargaining atm).

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 07:19

I will get that book. I'm so sad. I don't want to get out of bed today.

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 21/12/2011 08:20

I'm really glad that its gone well so far.

I can understand the point about him not being able to leave his employment. Even if he could leave (which you have said is not an option), the earliest that can happen would be Easter and getting a job in a good school would be a priority (stressful job in difficult school = more pressure on marriage) and not so many come up at Easter. After that, he couldn't leave til July. That's a long wait.

I guess then, for you its finding a way of dealing with the idea of her at work. I think the idea of counselling also sounds good, both together and separately.

pickofthepops · 21/12/2011 08:45

Good luck OP I think you sound lovely for being so strong for your real little boys.

I would want to know what dh's tactics/plans/intentions are for avoiding further temptation. After all, if told something is out of bounds, the temptation may become greater. He needs to convince you that he can stand firm.

BalloonSlayer · 21/12/2011 08:57

Is it only me who would be tempted to have a word with their headteacher if I were in this position? I don't know what sort of school it is, small/big, primary/secondary but if I were the HT of a small primary I would take a fucking dim view of two of my teachers, one married, behaving like this and would be quite willing to cast a basilisk eye over their behaviour on behalf of the worried wife.

Happy to be flamed for this suggestion though, I expect it is a really bad idea. (am not a teacher or a HT btw)

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 21/12/2011 09:06

I would suspect that the Ht would rightly assume it was none of his/her business....unless. of course, inapproriate conduct was taking place on the school site.

No flaming though! I can see that, given devil's situation, trying to regain control of what is happening would be massively important.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2011 09:14

I'm with Counting10 - the book will also help you both discuss boundaries and agree on what these should be. She has a website so do google her.

Sadly I do think there is more to this as the language used in the texts suggest that they have shagged but I doubt you will get the full truth from your OH now that he thinks he has got away with it this time.

Insist on full transparency & access to his phone and laptop....

ClaraSage · 21/12/2011 09:25

OP, do you think he has real feelings for this colleague or could it be payback for your emotional affair?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 10:28

I think she represents something that I'm not.

She's single and childless. I think that was appealing to Him because of how difficult things have been at home.

I don't think he has actual feelings about her. ANd maybe he does but I Have faith that he doesn't want to throw us away.

I think speaking to the ht would be foolish as she will
a say none of my business
B sack/punish them which will affect my family

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 21/12/2011 10:35

I think on some level it's payback.

He really not the slime ball type.

I know it always seems that way.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread