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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:23

Yes I agree. He has handled it wrongly.
Just came up to have a shower and he'd gone back to bed.

Epic fail.

Just shows me how he doesn't really give a shit.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 09:24

He's gone back to bed again?? Shock

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 09:24

Your DH is a cheat at heart. By trying to work it so that you can convince yourself that isn't the case, you do yourself no favours.

But if you do want to hang on to this prize catch, my advice would be to send the texts to yourself, then make it clear to her and him that if you get so much as a whiff of them even saying hello to one another in future, you'll be taking evidence of an inappropriate relationship to the Head of their school.

Won't make a difference mind you - next time he's drunk it'll be someone else, and there'll be something else you'll have done to actually make it your fault that he behaves like a slag when he thinks he can get away with it.

How miserable - to be on constant alert to keep such a waste of a partner faithful.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 09:25

Cross posted, well done devil! My dh did the whole nothings going on you're overreacting thing. I said I would take responsibility for many issues in our marriage but not him flirting with a little tramp half my age, he and he alone made that decision. Dh is still not the most apologetic of men, a simple verbal apology, but his actions have spoken much louder and for that I'm grateful and do now feel loved and appreciate that he has some concept of my feelings. Stick by the social ban too, I've told my dh I cannot and willnot cope with him doing Christmas party with her this year, and next year I would like a partners involved do, it's at his discretion.
Things can improve from here but he will need to be different and more open with you. Good luck.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:26

Paranoid, I was very calm on the phone. I scared myself at how calm I was. And that I don't feel cross with her anymore. Just a bit sad. I really like her as a friend.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 09:26

It sounds like your DH is not taking this very seriously and he's doing nothing to make up to you. I find that concerning. He's just gone back to bed or wants you to shut up and get over it. The lack of respect for you is concerning. Who the hell does he think he is? He's basically sticking two fingers up at you even though he's been caught out. What would he say if you sent photos of yourself to a colleague or flirted to this extent? 'oh don't worry love, I know you were just pissed, get yourself away back to bed and we'll not mention it again'?

countingto10 · 20/12/2011 09:27

I should be begging for your forgiveness right now not blaming you. Look OP, it is what it is - he was exchanging suggestive texts with an OW and that is infidelity/cheating. If he doesn't think it is, ask him if he would have done it with you standing next to him looking over his shoulder. He should now be completely open with his phone, passwords, facebook a/cs etc. Do not let this drop for a quiet life and so as not to rock the boat. This is a big deal, they work together so there is continual contact.

Do not let him turn this into about you and your "shortcomings" etc. You have had a shock, probably in a state of high anxiety, angry etc, etc. Try and stay calm and let him know that this is far from over as far as you are concerned. It is a big deal !

Good luck.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:27

Paranoid, was it someone at work?

OP posts:
TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 09:28

Epic fail - yes.

I will tell you one thing - the way you handle this now will be what lets him know if he can 'get away' with behaviour like this.

At the moment, he is getting away with it.

I'd be packing him a bag right now, phoning someone he can stay with, preferably someone who would take this as seriously as it warrants, and informing him that there's going to be no happy Christmas with him in this house this week. That he is on the absolute brink of becoming single RIGHT THIS MOMENT.

But... I have a feeling you won't do that. Which is why he will do this again.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:29

Yes back to bed again. I've turfed him out and told him to get the kids dressed so I can take them out.

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 09:31

Does he have a smart phone? If you feel you need proof of what he is and isn't doing find out about spybubble. Won't work on very new iPhones as they can't be jailbroken yet but iPhone 3gs or below, BlackBerrys HTC phones etc. Will give you the proof you need to see if it was just a one off or if he's carrying it on with her or another. Might help if you feel you have some big decisions to make and you don'tknow whether to trust what he says.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:32

Crunch you seem to be suggesting it would be my fault if he did it again? All I'm doing is trying not to be rash. I have my 2 and 4 year old here and I'm not going to be packing any bags in front of them.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 20/12/2011 09:33

To be honest with THAT reaction from him, I'd tell him to fuck right off. Give him a fright. I ignored all the little stuff because it "wasn't worth ending a marriage over" with my ex and it got worse and worse, in the end if it moved he shagged it, not saying yours is like this but the lack of respect and understanding from him that you describe is very worrying.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 09:33

...you like this woman 'as a friend'? ....a friend who tries to get off with your husband?? Why don't you try to talk to some of your real friends and get their perspective and support. You don't need friends like this.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:34

I don't want to spy on him. I have to trust him and only he can make that happen. It's not looking promising tho to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:36

Of course I won't be her friend anymore!
I'm Just trying to talk through my feelings honestly here.
I know it makes me look like a push over but I need to make sense of how I feel.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 09:36

But he can't help restore your trust when he fucks off back to bed, can he!
What is that saying "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me."

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 09:37

Yes devil it was, I know exactly how you'll be feeling when term starts again. However my dh is a different profession so he is in the same room as her 3 days a week with the prospect of promotion soon so they might have to work closer. That will cause problems I can tell you, lets just hope one of the other candidates gets it!!!
Remember though sometimes actions speak louder than words. My dh isn't a big talker but he's proved himself in other ways. Not to be overlooked.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 09:39

There is nothing YOU can do to make him trustworthy. You're right only HE can do that and he doesn't seem to be making any effort in that direction so far. I don't think he realises what deep shit he is in here. I agree with Crunch. Pack him a bag and tell him you need a few days on your own to think. You keep your options open and he realises that you are being serious.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:40

Had booked us a restaurant with a voucher we had been given for tonight. No refunds.

My sister thinks we should go and chat in a public place then it won't make an argument.

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 09:41

devil, I commend you for being so level headed. I actually do agree with you that you need to take this carefully with your young kids around. That is not the same as forgiving him and your are not responsible for any of this. I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this and with kids too Sad

he is behaving like an arse and trying to make it all go away. However counting10 is right, he should be begging for your forgiveness right now. Any kind of justification for what has happened is unacceptable in my eyes.

countingto10 · 20/12/2011 09:44

You know how you feel, we know how you feel, you have every right to those feelings - it's him that is dimishing them ? Do not let him do that. You do not have to end your marriage over this but you cannot brush this under the carpet and neither can he because it will come back and bite you both on the bum further down the line. You need to find out what it is about him, his character etc that gave himself permission to do this - at the moment he is deflecting all his guilt etc onto you, making it out to be your problem and issues. It is not, it is about him.

You are not responsible for his fidelity, only he can control that so spying isn't the way forward, but for him to reestablish trust for you, you will need access to the mobile, emails, etc - that is normal and only to be expected. You will drive yourself crazy if you do not confront this and deal with it. If he doesn't respond with willingness to talk, complete openess with what has happened (I would bet it goes further that those few texts after a xmas do, it has probably been brewing for sometime Hmm) then I am afraid you have your answer.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 09:45

We had a meal out two days later devil. I had to strike a fine line between I love you and want our marriage to work and but you've hurt me and betrayed my trust, if it ever happens again you will loose me and the kids from your full time life, is a bit of fizz and flattery really worth that?
I asked dh to go the first night but in the end he stayed with my permission. He hugged me and held me that night, nothing more, it was what we needed. A night apart may have caused a bigger rift in the end.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 09:49

Counting and paranoid, great posts!

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 09:50

Why don't you tell your DH to babysit while you and your sister go out for the meal? It's too soon to be doing that kind of talking with him. It's letting him know that if he is unfaithful to you all he has to do is get you to book a restaurant/buy a crappy bunch of flowers/sulk for a bit or whatever and you'll sort it all out for him. You don't have to do anything dramatic, but at least let him know that you are taking this seriously and thinking through what you (not him and you, not the couple but you yourself) want to do next. Tell him that you need a bit of time and space and you really need to spend more time with your family/friends at the moment. It will freak him out a bit to learn that the world doesn't just revolve around him and that you do actually have options...he needs that.

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