Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
MrsJoeDuffy · 22/12/2011 14:35

what is it with schools? when I was a teacher, I remember opening the door of the art cupboard to find two married teachers in there.

JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 14:39

Really feel for you and hope he will come to his senses and realise that he has a good thing going with you. But if not...

devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 14:48

Presumably they weren't married to each other?!

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 22/12/2011 15:50

arf!

MrsJoeDuffy · 22/12/2011 16:43

lol no not married to each other. One was the married deputy head, one was an equally married junior school teacher. The junior school teacher left shortly after it all came out into the open. At the school where I did my training the head left her husband for the secretary.

devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 16:59

Your stories fill me with Christmas cheer!

OP posts:
pickofthepops · 22/12/2011 17:02

Hope you are okay. I am really sorry to be blunt but you are going to come across as way too needy to him, and As a doormat. I know why, he is your best friend, but to have him as the one you run to when he has treated you like this is not going to make him respect you. He will think he can get away with it again. Imagine them in bed laughing about it, what feels better, running to him or knowing that they
Cant laugh? I sai d yesterday that you can hold your head high but I'm not so sure if you choose his shoulder to cry on over your sister?

QueenCess · 22/12/2011 17:21

One possible tactic is to ask her how long she has been sleeping with your husband. She will deny it and you just repeat the question. What this will possibly achieve will be a lesser confesssion- something along the lines of ' we only did it once' etc. It may be the only way you come close to getting nearer the truth.

Also ask her what STD's she has possibly passed onto you. All to be conducted in ice cool tones. Do it on the phone and in a factual manner when he isn't around.

He phoned her that day to let her know you had found something out and to persuade her to cover up for him the rest.

pickofthepops · 22/12/2011 17:41

Sorry to have been so blunt. Not my normal style. V tired. Thinking of you and your ds's.

devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 18:13

I am so drunk now.
Trying to make sense of everything but I Can't.

He took my phone off me a while ago. He said that because I'm discussing it so much it is stressing me out. He says I need a break from it. He's offered to go away tonight again.

OP posts:
devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 18:30

I don't think I chose him.
I couldn't face anyone.
I came home and went to bed until it was time to get the kids dinner.

OP posts:
pickofthepops · 22/12/2011 18:49

Really sorry not looking to make you feel any worse. Just don't want him to get off lightly

pickofthepops · 22/12/2011 18:49

Not sure about him taking your phone though...?

starshaker · 22/12/2011 18:58

No i agree, if anybodys phone should be confiscated then it should be his

blackcurrants · 22/12/2011 19:12

devils I've been lurking but I had to say something about this phone business- there is something very shady about him taking away your phone. He's trying to cut off your space to process this. Why? Doesn't he want you to have help and support? Dodgy, dodgy stuff.

First, he should be bloody grovelling to you, not dictating to you. Jeez, the cheek of the man! Anyone would think he was the injured party here, not you. he doesn't get to tell you what to do, how to deal with this, or what to think. He doesn't get to take things from you. He is in danger of losing his wife's love and trust, he isn't the one who tells her anything. It's okay to be angry with him.

Second, I think he needs to be away from you while you work out what you want. that's your call - it all is- but I think he should really understand that you are deciding, at the moment, what you want- and it might not be a life with a liar. You might decide what you had was worth rebuilding, but right now, you're grieving what is lost. What he destroyed. And I think that you might need space to do that.

Third, do you have friends, your sister, your mum - anyone, ANYONE who can support you face to face, listen to you vent, even take the kids so you can have a bubble bath or go for a run or something? Maybe stay for a couple of days and be a jolly aunt and give you a hand getting through the weekend? You sound very alone; and while you say you're afraid of being alone, you're alone even with him around, by the sounds of it.

Finally, I might be talking out of my arse so do ignore if you'd rather. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Lovingfreedom · 22/12/2011 19:13

Get your phone back off him when you can. That's nuts that he's taken your phone. He probably doesn't want you having support from people outside who will keep you thinking straight. Take care how much you're drinking and have a good night's sleep if you can. Nothing else you can do this evening. Don't even think about a reasonable conversation with him if you've had a few drinks. Better to wait til you're more in control. Take care. Don't worry - you'll get there. Things will look up in time.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 22/12/2011 19:15

he took your phone Shock

devilsadvocaat · 23/12/2011 06:53

He had a real break down yesterday and it made me realise how hard it has been. Me always on my phone etc. My boys knew something was up yesterday. My 4 yo kept trying to pull us together. Wanting cuddles from us both. Dh had told him that daddy made mummy sad.

Dh fell apart last night. Says he can't cope. It scared me the state he was in.

He's going to get referred from gp for counselling. I said I want him to go for individual first as he has own issues to sort out. And anyway I already have counselling sessions for myself.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 23/12/2011 07:48

Good that you are both having counselling. It is hard to see the DH sad and to have the kids around you when this is going on. But try not to take the blame for his infidelity and selfishness based on accepting that you're on the phone a lot or not giving him enough attention from your already busy life. If you think through that really is a pretty lame excuse, tears or not.

Lovingfreedom · 23/12/2011 07:50

Good time to get more of the story out of him though. When he's really upset then is the time to be very understanding and say 'just tell me everything darling, we can get through this' but also be prepared to put the pressure on once/if he starts to talk. The I love you so much blah blah stuff doesn't tell you anything new that you need to know before you can move on.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 08:36

You are entitled to get the support you need after what he has done and if that means being on your phone then that's fine!

Hope today goes better xx

RnB · 23/12/2011 19:35

How are things going Devil? Hope you're ok x

Sugary · 05/01/2012 06:17

Hi Devil...I read your thread with a great deal of sympathy having been through something very similar 2 1/2 years ago. We got through it and are better for it (although I was a mess for a very long time). I just wondered how you were doing. X

devilsadvocaat · 19/02/2012 16:50

Hello people.
Just thought I'd update.
I left DH today.
I've tried to make things work but it is clear that he still feels that he is not responsible for his actions.

He is very critical of me.
I've been having some counselling and have come to the conclusion that I'm not a terrible person. At least I'm trying to change myself.

I've moved to my Mum's house as he won't leave. His mum own's the house anyway.

I'll pick the kids up from school and leave when they're in bed and he's home from work.

OP posts:
devilsadvocaat · 19/02/2012 16:51

Sugary, if you're still about, thanks for sharing. Glad you worked it out.

OP posts: