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Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
sertraline50mg · 20/12/2011 08:01

Imo he has crossed the line - he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same.

I would be livid and I would not believe it was harmless but he is your dh and it's your choice.

How can you trust him now?

LovesBloominChristmas · 20/12/2011 08:03

I can't believe he's gone back to bed Shock

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 08:10

Neither can I!

He works with her every day...

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 08:10

Just the very fact he dismissed your feelings would piss me off, let alone the rest.
I do believe people can indulge in harmless flirting. But what your DH did wasn't harmless flirting. He crossed over (IMO) a line. When he wakes up, if he acknowledges he was a twat and went OTT then that is one thing (& up to you 2) but if he still dismisses your feelings and plays it down (you know, plays down the fact he was inviting another woman to send him photos and wishes she had her own place because they were both horny!) then he is a player and a chancer.
Also, if he exchanges texts like this with a woman you have warned him about, then what about women you have no idea about?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 08:11

I don't know about the trust thing.

No idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 08:13

All very good points Akiram.
I wish I didn't know.
I really want to call her.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 08:19

Me personally I would call her. But other posters will have very good reasons why that isn't the right thing.
For me, the reason I would call her is that she would have been in my house so I would have had however small some sort of a relationship with her.
But then if it was my DH I would be calling her to tell her to expect him round in 10mins because he sure as hell wouldn't be sleeping on my sofa after that. We're all different though.
Be really honest, is this way out of character for him? Or is a small part of you not surprised?

Gay40 · 20/12/2011 08:21

Don't call her. It is nothing to do with her. Your anger and questions must be directed to your DH and him alone.

It could be a moment of drunken insanity and poor judgement. It could be evidence that he's a cheating twunt. But either way, your decision has to come from the gut feeling you have when he wakes up and you have that proper conversation.

BayPolar · 20/12/2011 08:23

Deal breaker.
But I guess this is gonna be another one of those sorry threads where the woman believes her loser of a man and gives him another chance.
Sigh.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 08:28

I'm not surprised because I thought she liked him. And I'm not surprised because I know how it's easy to be flattered and get carried away when you're drunk.

It wouldn't shock me if they'd actually kissed either but I'm sure they didn't have sex.

I want to speak to her because she works with him and I want her to know that I know so she doesn't come round here. I don't intend on laying into her but giving her the:

We have a family together, please go away.

However, I may feel different when I'm speaking to her.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 08:30

Gay40 I agree that OPs anger and questions should be directed at her DH. But this woman has been in their house, played with their children, a short sharp phonecall to her whilst DH is still sleeping isn't totally wrong IMO.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 08:31

Bay polar, I would be foolish to throw away everything based on a few texts. It may seem like these situations always end this way but I'm sure it can work out ok.

Thanks for your opinion anyway.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/12/2011 08:32

Even if the texts started from her-why the bloody hell was he replying?

I can´t see it as flirting tbh-that´s something that I´ve done face to face when out-not bleated on about it to them afterwards.

He´s been completely inappropriate.

Anyone with an ounce of decency would be mortified & trying to make amends-not going back to bed!

Akiram · 20/12/2011 08:34

But Op by saying to her "go away" it sounds as though you are saying that it was all her fault. The reason I would call her is purely to tell her that she is welcome to him. So if she does go away and leave your family alone, what next? As you said it is easy to be flattered and get carried away when you are drunk, so what about the next woman that finds your DH attractive? Do you warn her off too?
As I said before, I think it all depends on how your DH behaves when he wakes up. That, to me, is your answer.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 08:37

I'd call her, it does have something to do with her. I'd bloody well ring and ask her to explain her behaviour with your husband.
Tbh I did that to a young tramp at dh's work who was flirting with him. She was v shocked, immediately apologised and said it was nothing serious. I told her in no uncertain terms that dh and I would sort out our issues but if I caught her talking like that to my dh again I'd cause massive problems for her.
Even though it stirred things up a lot more I have no regrets doing it, I think I'd have gone mad with worry if I hadn't.

sertraline50mg · 20/12/2011 08:46

One thing to bear in mind is that YOU are NOT the one throwing anything away, your DH has the responsibility for that when he broke your trust and crossed the line.

Unless he is very sorry I wouldnt be forgiving him.

countingto10 · 20/12/2011 08:50

Can you get someone to mind your DCs today so you can have a long chat with your H ? Yes you can get past this but you need to ask him some very searching questions and you need to get the full truth. You say you had suspicions about her before (and fwiw there are predatory women out there) but your H is a fool to fall for it - twat.

This may help with the questions to ask. Don't let him off the hook - if he gets off easily this time, he will find it easier to give himself permission to either carry on with her or someone else.

Good luck.

Gay40 · 20/12/2011 08:51

The OW doesn't owe you a thing, even if she's been in your house and played with your kids. As for "warning her off", if your DH is going to fuck someone else, it will happen whether you warn off all the other contenders or not.
Personally I feel creating a situation where the OW takes some of the blame just deflects the problem from the real perpetrator: your DH.

Akiram · 20/12/2011 08:52

setraline very good point. It amazes me how many women on these threads feel they would be throwing something away when actually it is their partners actions that have caused it.
Some people are very good at the whole it's no big deal , It didn't mean anything, stop overreacting and manage to turn circumstances 180° so that it becomes the womans fault. 9/10 she will end up apologising to him for over reacting.

rowingdowntheriver · 20/12/2011 08:54

I wouldn't call if I was you as it could end up causing an argument with your DH which would be a distraction from the real issue of the texts they sent to each other.

I'd be devastated if my DH did this and would very likely threaten the end of the relationship unless he could convince me that it was a mistake and would never ever happen again. If he did it again he would definitely be out though.

LovesBloominChristmas · 20/12/2011 08:56

Op can I ask if your dh uses porn? It sounds to me like he was looking for some damming material when he was asking for photos.

I agree it sounds like a kiss is possible. Are you friendly with anyone else that might have been there?

PieCherry · 20/12/2011 09:10

I know hundreds of you will disagree with me, but as I've said on other threads I am vindictive (it's a weakness I know!), but I wouldn't let it go.

I'd speak to her to tell her I'd seen the texts and ask what she's playing at.

Him - he would have to grovel. It seems they are both teachers - not sure what the rules there are but here we have to notify our Direct Manager if we are having a relationship with another member of staff - so I would threaten that.

People are fucking stupid - am so angry on OP's behalf.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 09:12

I spoke to her. She apologised and it wasn't me having a go. I called her to make me and the kids real to her. So that maybe she'd think twice about going for another married man. I wasn't cross on the phone.

I'm cross with DH. She apologised and said she'd stay well away.

He basically accused me of going out and dancing with other men etc. He said that I can't blow this out of proportion. Said it was harmless.

I hate him more for saying those things than I do for the texts.

I grilled him and he said he danced with her and touched her bum. He said they spoke about liking each other but he said he doesn't. Just said it because of being pissed.

I said he's not to go on any socials with her and he did a cats bum face.

Thank you all for being here with me x

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 09:15

To follow on from my previous post, yes, your dh should be very contrite and now very open with his phone. My dh now leaves his phone on the side at night, no more taking it to the toilet and into the shower room. He knows I will occasionally look at it at the moment. Not ideal but time will calm things. Although i saw nothing of a sexual nature the amount and flirty nature were enough for me. In your case i would want a full and frank apology, and yes i would still ring the ow, you may get more info out of her to start with unfortunately. And you can tell her she is no longer welcome in your house at the end of the 'calm and controlled' conversation! Apparently that's what scared this tarty little madam the most, how calm and ruthless I sounded.

Akiram · 20/12/2011 09:18

Right so his reaction is to blame you for dancing with other men , blame you for blowing this out of proportion , still dismissing your feelings and blamed alcohol.
So none of it is his fault at all.
Most of us on this thread have said how we would deal with a similar situation, and not all of us would do it in the same way. I think what most people do agree on is its how your DH behaves afterwards that is the key. Your DH is behaving like a twat. Sorry OP.

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