Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/12/2011 15:47

Catherine... I wondered that too. What exactly is it he is apologising for? To both of you?

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:47

AND it shows very little respect for you that he has called her behind your back, what planet is he actually on, I mean really?
I'm sorry but before those texts were sent they had obviously been doing more than flirting, at least intensive snogging for it to be mentioned being sorry that they had nowhere to go after...to do what? The intention was there from both of them.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:48

Yes I think it is a mix or sorry dw called and sorry I tried it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:49

I'm annoyed about the phone call.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:51

Oh he admitted they'd danced together and he touched her bum. SOrry to drip feed. SO much going on.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:51

The phone call without your knowledge of it until after would be the last straw for me:(

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/12/2011 15:57

Flirting?

On what planet is saying you "are horny" and you "want someone" to a colleague anything but an ongoing conversation?

They are either shagging, hence the confidence she had to send him the texts and by trying to phone him repeatedly, those texts did not come out of the blue. Or, they are planning to shag, having established willingness on both part.

She was confident of his response.

His response was the classic "attack is the best form of defence".

This is so not flirting. Sorry.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 15:58

He's admitted the bit about dancing and bum touching because others would have seen that and it might get back to you somehow. Apologising is not for trying it on because she was obviously consenting hence her continuing to call/text even after he'd stopped. Apologising is definitely for putting her in the embarrassing position of having to deal with DW. And he certainly seems to care a lot more about her feelings on this than yours. 'sorry the missus phoned you, god how embarrassing, what did you tell her, you didn't tell her anything did you? look sorry I really am - was fun though eh? I've been really suffering all day - terrible hangover and her indoors is in a right mood with me'.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 16:05

Yes. Quite possibly. I'm having a drink. ALthough I'm sure it's not the best idea.

I can't chuck him before Christmas. My boys :(

God I'm so sad right now.

OP posts:
QueenCess · 20/12/2011 16:10

I think you are getting a clearer picture as to where his actual loyalties are pitched.

His callousness to you I would interpret as someone who has another option available to him. He really doesn't seem to give two hoots. I am very sorry.

countingto10 · 20/12/2011 16:10

Have you told him how serious this is to you and how dare he phone her. Doesn't matter if she stews til the new term. Where do his priorities lie ? I think he needs reminding big time. When you get a change get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - tis the MN's bible on infidelity Wink.

Go easy on the alcohol, it is a depressant and made me feel worse for a long time.

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/12/2011 16:12

Alcohol is a Very Bad Idea under these circumstances.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 16:12

Be careful about drinking too much. A couple will be fine but you'll need your wits about you and to keep a clear head. You don't have to do anything before Christmas. It is up to you to act how you like, when you like and to take any time you need to think things through, plan and consider options. Don't act in haste or in anger and give yourself some space to think. Read 'not just friends' if you want to - it's good. Talk to someone you trust rather than DH at the moment. Spend time with your boys. Look after yourself. You will cope and you will find a way through this.

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 16:18

I would be making him sleeping on the sofa a more permanent arrangement for the foreseeable if you don't want to do anything before Christmas.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 16:22

Your kind words are making me cry x

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 16:24

Your kind words are making me cry x

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 16:26

The worst bit is I just want to lie in his arms and close my eyes.

Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 16:30

oh honey, its heart breaking Sad

MarinaAzul · 20/12/2011 16:33

Where is he now? Will he be home tonight?

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 20/12/2011 16:35

You should show him this thread. Perhaps by linking it to facebook?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 16:35

We're both here.
We're going out to dinner tonight.
I feel desperate to get out tonight.
I am so sad that we let things get this way.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 16:41

Personally I'd aim to get him out of the house sometime soon. Best decision I ever made was to hold on and let my DH leave. But it's up to you. Sofa's probably a good compromise. Still think you might spend a bit of time with your sister, or a friend that you trust - they'll give you a hug and it will be much more genuine and heart-felt than anything from DH just now. It would be a mistake to turn to your DH for comfort at the moment. It's easily done (I've definitely done it in the past) but it doesn't help - really it doesn't. Take care.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 16:43

Take your sister out for dinner. Your DH's hung-over from last night anyway and would be crap company even if all this hadn't happened. Take someone who really cares for you and can give you a bit of break from your DH and all this.

ClaraSage · 20/12/2011 16:44

It can be saved if you both want to work at it.
He needs to come clean first and cut contact with his colleague because whether it is an affair or not, they are behaving inappropriately.
Hope some of this gets resolved tonight.
Good luck.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 16:44

definately take someone else!