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Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:22

Hi everyone. There's some great advice here from you all. Sorry I haven't responded personally. Took the kids out for a couple of hours. GOt back and he's just on the sofa, all the house is a tip. No effort to show he's sorry. Still in his pjs, curtains closed.

I feel really sad now. I guess he doesn't really care. I get a strong feeling from him that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

I don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 12:24

definately, go out tonight whilst he babysits. Talk it over with a real life mate

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:26

Counting to 10, I want him to be sorry, make a big effort etc. But he's basically feeling sorry for himself because he's hung over.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 12:30

devil Sad How awful for you that your DH is treating you like this. No apology, no effort - that is shit beyond shit. Does he not care that you, his DW, is hurting? On what level can he possibly justify his behaviour?
Is there anyone you could stay with for a couple of days? Would you feel happy to do that?

Akiram · 20/12/2011 12:32

devil But if he apologises once his hangover has passed then how will you know that he is truly sorry for his behaviour or merely sorry that you found out that he was requesting pictures (and I assume they weren't innocent ones) from a colleague?
Don't let him use his hangover as an excuse for dismissing you like something inconvenient and annoying.

MarinaAzul · 20/12/2011 12:32

He is immature.
Does he not understand that he has done wrong?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:37

He has said sorry now.
BUt surely if he was really sorry he'd be busting a gut trying to get in my good books.

And the sorry always comes with a 'but'.

I'd be shitting bricks if I was him.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:38

I could stay at my mums but I know it'd upset her. She adores him. And I'd be away from the kids.

OP posts:
Akiram · 20/12/2011 12:38

So he said sorry. With a but. So what he really means is that its your fault. How is he going to show you he is sorry? What are his suggestions?

Akiram · 20/12/2011 12:40

Can you and the DC go and stay at your mums for a couple of days? Or send him off for a couple of days - after all if he is really sorry then right now he will and should do anything anything to make you feel better.

BalloonSlayer · 20/12/2011 12:40

Can you ask him to leave for a few days?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:42

Well I just don't think he can be bothered to make any effort really.

What can he do to make it better?

I don't want to be around him right now. He can watch the kids for a bit. Don't feel like going out though.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:45

I can ask him to go.
It's just then being on my own with the kids, trying to organise Christmas etc.

I know I'm being very negative at all your suggestions.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 20/12/2011 12:45

Hmm......come on, people do not say or do things just because they are drunk. The drink just makes it possible to be brave enough.

So that puts a different spin on it, doesnt it?

And what he said is WAY more than flirting, you know it is.

And finally, to counter accuse, to get the spotlight off himself, about dancing?

And then to go to bed?

My h was guilty of internet infidelity, and lied like a coward about it for ages. But truly, this is bad, and I do think he would have reacted in this way if I had seen this kind of proof.

GnomeDePlume · 20/12/2011 12:46

What it looks like to me is that he needs to be sorry not just say sorry. Does he regret (bitterly from the core of his being) what he did or does he just regret getting caught?

At the moment it sounds like he is sitting around like an overgrown toddler (in his pjs for goodness sake!) wanting you to feel sorry for him.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 12:49

I think you're earlier post was spot on OP:

"He has said sorry now.
BUt surely if he was really sorry he'd be busting a gut trying to get in my good books.

And the sorry always comes with a 'but'.

I'd be shitting bricks if I was him."

He doesn't give a shit at the moment does he? He needs to wise up and learn what he has to lose and that there is some risk that he'll lose it if he doesn't seriously buck up his ideas. Based on his reactions so far today I'd say he's not worth it but obviously you know all his good bits too.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:57

I guess it feels like he doesn't love me enough to feel really scared about losing me.

I'm feeling quite down about myself and can't work out what to do about him.

I wish it would all go away.

He's so selfish. And self pitying.

His reactions to me finding out what happened hurt me more than what happened between them.

THat worries me too. I haven't even been concerned with what if it happens again.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 12:58

I'm sorry. I'm gabbling.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 20/12/2011 13:02

Is this how he always behaves when he is in the wrong/when you are not happy with something he has done ? Trying to work out your relationship "dance" - you know, him sulking etc whilst you ended up apologising for upsetting him, bust a gut to get into his good books etc ? He has probably slipped into a default mode and it may be a while before he realises that it is not going to work this time Hmm.

You know him best and how he normally reacts but this is a whole different ball game and he needs to man up PDQ.

Tell him he can sulk and huff and puff, deflect etc as much as he likes but you want some answers to some very tough questions and how your relationship pans out depends on how he responds to this crisis (because a crisis is what it is).

Good luck, be strong and firm and get some legal advice as soon as you can (don't have to tell him and you don't have to act on it but it will put you in a position of control and maybe (hate to say this) get checked for STI's).

BalloonSlayer · 20/12/2011 13:02

I think he is hoping that if he pretends it is nothing then you might also think it is nothing. Therefore my suggestion of asking him to leave is a clear signal to him that "This is NOT nothing. This behaviour of yours is DIVORCE behaviour." and might hopefully shock him into his senses.

He may well, sober, have no intention of ever being unfaithful. Therefore he is detaching himself from his drunken behaviour, trying to pretend that it was not him who did it.

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 13:07

Finding out something like that is horrible. He's not thinking about the seriousness of this at all. He'd get a shock if he knew you were. Don't rush into anything - you don't need to. Be kind to yourself, talk to someone in RL that you trust and take time. When something similar happened to me I signed up for individual counseling to help me make decisions. It was very very helpful. It didn't happen overnight - I took 5 out of the 6 sessions to work through a lot of stuff and had a lot of mind-changing as I went - but it put me in a much better place to either negotiate what I needed from the relationship or to get out of it. I'd really recommend this as a course of action. Your friends will come into their own and help you and you might be surprised who steps up to give you support. This isn't something that you can discuss or decide with your DH. You will work out for yourself - what you want and once you know that, what it would take for you to stay in a relationship with him and whether he can realistically do that.

QueenCess · 20/12/2011 13:15

You must be feeling heartbroken not only over his betrayal but his pigheaded attitude in response to being caught out.

For me this would be the end of my marriage. I wouldn't want to live with someone I couldn't trust. The effects would be so corrosive on me as a person. I would feel hatred towards him. I wouldn't want to waste my time wondering what was coming down the line. I'm worth more and life is too short.

He is missing a sensitivity chip.

Go out tonight. Phone your Mum. I don't think she will be so keen on him after this little episode.

FWIW I would have rung her too in the same way. How do you know this is all that has happened?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 13:16

I had to tell dh to stop hiding behind his smokescreen of indignation, face up to how much he'd hurt me or lose me. This happened over a couple of days though. Positive communication was never his strong point when in the wrong.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 13:25

We've spoken again and for the first time, he actually seems genuine. MY feelings for him feel very numb right now. IS that normal? I just feel nothing except occasional bursts of anger.

The counselling sounds like a good idea.

Also, I think balloon slayer is spot on with the whole detachment thing. I think a lot of The pig headed stuff comes from him not seeing himself as a cheater iykwim.

OP posts:
QueenCess · 20/12/2011 13:27

I would think about contacting one of his other collegues who was at the event and telling them you have just found out that something has been going on with Dh and Ow- if you know anyone that is.....and ask them how long it has been going on. You would have to know the person though.

It may be a way of getting a better picture as to the extent of this liason.......because these two are going to lie through their teeth esp as she doesn't have a place of her own to go to that he can follow her to - if it is a full blown affair.

I would think about fronting it out and saying you know the full extent of this episode and it has been confirmed by someone else. See how he reacts then.......

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