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Original poster

what do I do now?

295 replies

devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 07:55

DH had staff do last night and was asleep on sofa when I got up with boys this morn. He was freaking about losing his phone and I found it down sofa, it had texts on from another teacher about her wanting him and being so horny. And he was trying to get her to send him photos and basically saying that he felt the same, if only she had her own place etc. This woman has been to my house and played with my kids!

He has dismissed it as flirting and has gone back to bed. I've said to him before that she likes him. She's been round here many times.

He swears nothing happened, I think I believe him. Don't know why. Just not really sure what to do and how to handle it. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 13:33

I know it seems naive but I'm sure that he's not having an affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 13:34

Plus I'm not putting anyone else on the spot like that.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 20/12/2011 13:37

My DH's liewd through his teeth too (actually left me and moved in with OW) - he didn't see himself as an adulterer, he wasn't a man who did that sort of thing WTF Confused so because in his head he had detached from me he therefore was not cheating. That he forgot to inform me of this detachment and was wholeheartedly married at the time didn't come into it in his mind - yes complete and utter tosh. It was pointed out very forcibly by our counsellor that what he did was an affair and he was an adulterer.

Your H is bargaining with himself atm, that what he did wasn't that bad etc, etc. You and he have an awful lot of talking to do and maybe joint counselling to help you through this but primarily the problem is his and his alone. Just wondering, is there a culture of infidelity in his workplace? Sometimes when you are surrounded by people "messing about" it becomes normal behaviour IYSWIM - no excuse though.

QueenCess · 20/12/2011 13:38

Well then you could choose totake the latter option and front it out. The language you opened the post with about her being horny and wanting him is the way lovers talk rather than flirtation in my view. There is a familiarity there that says to me they have already crossed the line. Just my opinion.

I hope you are O.K.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 20/12/2011 13:41

Know what you mean about denial and detachment. DH still denies being unfaithful as he told her no I have wife and kids, but didn't see flirting as a problem till I caught him!!!
They need a kick up the proverbial backside! Well My DH has had his and does see things a bit differently now. Even cancelled his work Christmas do for now as I couldn't cope with the idea of them socializing after work. He realises that it will take time and effort to rebuild trust, even though he still vehemently denies any physical wrongdoing, and I believe that part.
If the rest of your marriage has been good, is it worth throwing it all away, or trying to both work at it. I can also recommend Relate and the not just friends book.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 20/12/2011 13:47

You talked to her and she says she'll stay away. That's great. Even if she does there are other women out there, including more women he works with. She isn't really the problem. He is.

If it was really drunken stupidity or just flirting - and I think the texts you've mentioned definitely cross the line - he should be apologising or offering to do anything he can to put your mind at ease. Not acting like a teenager who got caught doing something they know they're not supposed to and responds by getting angry with the person who caught them.

The texts were dodgy, but I'd be more worried by his response to being caught than the actual texts.

fiventhree · 20/12/2011 13:48

Yes, I agree, nobody would say that to a colleague/friend who comes to the house, unless it is not a first conversation. I think its been going on some time, and I repeat that drinking/drunkenness does not make this happen- it just takes away inhibition, and makes it easier to say what you really feel.

Also, the workplace culture remark is interesting- the organisations in which I have worked have not had this culture, but my h did work in a part of the public sector for a long time, where their behaviour was stunning in this regard, and periodic get together turned into all sorts eg 'hand jobs' in the back of pubs! (Yes, I was mouth opened in amazement, too, and Im not a prude)

windsorTides · 20/12/2011 13:56

I think you've had some excellent advice on this thread, but I agree with Queen. I think this might have gone further.

The thing is, you have had an awful shock today and your feelings are likely to be all over the place. Part of you will be desperate to retain some normality because of the timing, it being Christmas.

I think the reasons he's reacted this way are quite simple. He wants to 'hide away' to give himself some thinking time and the defensiveness is because you have taken his Christmas toy away, by finding out. He is unlikely to be sorry for his actions, but he's likely to be sorry he got found out and sorry that it might have to end.

It's going to take some getting your head around that unlike other problems you've faced in your marriage, this can't be sorted before Christmas. If you can't face asking him to leave, then think about telling him quite calmly that you will be seeing a solicitor, because you have checked and discovered that you have grounds for divorce (and you do btw.)

I would explain that he is staying put only because it's Christmas, but that unless he can prove to you that he is genuinely sorry and is willing to explore within himself, why he has done this - as far as you're concerned your marriage is over.

In other words, put the onus on him to sort this mess out. Carry on with what you need to do, talk to people you trust if you'd find it helpful and until he 'gets' this, treat him with polite indifference.

Oh and I'd also tell him to look for another job, as a condition of staying in his marriage. Unlike other industries, at the moment a good teacher can always get a job.

FatGoose · 20/12/2011 15:08

lol

god if i wrote down every daft thing i had done when worse for wear, you would all be clutching your pearls in horror

these things happen - doesnt mean anything, just letting your hair down once in a blue moon

chill out

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:15

Yes I do agree with you a certain amount but I don't want it to get out of hand.

Flirting etc fine but you have to draw the line somewhere.

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MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 15:20

phew! That's ok then!

I didn't realise we were using FatGoose's behaviour as the moral barometer round here..

Right everyone, handbags away, clearly all is well round here... mr devil was 'just letting his hair down' Xmas Hmm

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:22

Hi I have been following your thread and unless I have missed it did you mention what time these text were sent/received?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:23

Even Mr Devilsadvocaat hasn't pleaded an excuse as weak as that!

OP posts:
Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:24

Sent at 2.30 ish this morning. why?

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QueenCess · 20/12/2011 15:25

In what way is this lol? Odd response to say the least.....

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:26

Well they just sound like they are 'following on' from something else, if you see what I mean, sorry.
Where there any other texts between them other than from when he got hoe last night?

countingto10 · 20/12/2011 15:30

The other thing you say is about him freaking out about losing his phone - is he possessive over his phone, is it surgically attached to him ie he takes it everywhere, never lets it out of his sight - if that is the case then I would say things have been going on longer than you think.

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 20/12/2011 15:33

What a cuntiferous attitude your 'D'H has towards you, why stand for it- for a second longer?

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:39

He Just told me he called her to apologise. She said I was very cool about things to her.

He told her he's sorry and takes responsibility as he's married.

I'm pleased he's taking responsibility but calling her?

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Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 15:42

He's not taking responsibility - he's phoning HER to apologise rather than apologising or making up to YOU.

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:42

He's making sure she hasn't told you anything, this looks even worse on him IMO. :(

catherinea1971 · 20/12/2011 15:44

And what has he done to her that needs apologising for??

Lovingfreedom · 20/12/2011 15:45

I expect that he is apologising to OW for the fact that his DW has phoned her.

Original poster
devilsadvocaat · 20/12/2011 15:46

They read very much like carrying on from something else.

Started

X x

THen moved on to wish you were here etc.

Just looked through his phone and he didn't respond to her last 3 texts because he'd fallen asleep and then she tried to call him twice after that :(

That's persistent.

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MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 15:46

I'm another one who is a bit Hmm about the phone call. Why didn't he check if that was ok with you?? What did he really say/ask?

Why has he taken time to apologise to her but doesn't seem that bothered about you?

doesnt look good