'D'H punched through door in front of DC

[foggybrain]

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating. We had an argument this morning and I did shout at him, so I do feel it is partly my fault. I went out after for 30mins or so and walked back into the house in time to hear him really screaming at our baby. Our three year old and the baby were both hysterically crying. He had lost his temper and punched through a door in front of them both and was screaming at our baby to shut up. 'D' H hasn't even said sorry, has been snappy on and off all day, flying off at the kids and then apologising.

I want him out in the new year. I am telling him this tonight, but he already knows it. What I want to know is what to say to my 3 yo who has been very distressed today. I have already said that Daddy shouldn't have done it, that I am sorry it happened, but feel there is nothing else I can say. I heard DH apologise to her and say it was because he felt poorly (like that's an excuse). Not half an hour later he completely overreacted to her squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. I feel sick every time I see the huge hole in the door.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

well done, foggy, really just bloody well done to you

now please, do not do things together "as a family" or you negate everything that has gone before

good idea re not shopping together

the worst thing for your dc here would be mixed messages

all they will see is mummy and daddy looking happy together, and you are not

it's best they start to get that message now, unless you plan to get back together with him of course (which would be a monumantal mistake)

I am really not surprised you have posted about him before and got the advice that you did

don't b angry with yourself...simply add it to your "dossier" about reasons to stay the fuck away from him, and keep on keeping on x

I've been there, (in a relationship with an abusive husband) and am now free.

I didnt find the posts about how he was 'following a script'; 'turning the screw' etc etc helpful. let alone ones about abusive men swapping 'tips' - they just didnt connect with the man I knew. TBH he wasn't clever enough to be doing any such thing AND he did not believe he had done anything (really) wrong....

the thing I DID find helpful was knowing (having pointed out to me) that if I had behaved as he had done, it would NOT have been about ME ME ME; but that I would have been so ashamed and upset I would have done anything to help my spouse and kids .... not souted about how BIL or MIL thought I was overreactine etc etc etc

You have done the right thing Foggy. stick with it. I know very well how hard it is it stick to your decision, but as sommeone said upthread, the only person who really knows what he is like is YOU; no one else has had to live with it, experience it.... so YOU have to make the decisions.

i can't add to what PPs have said upthread, but wanted to give you more support foggy

you're doing the right thing, keep your eye on the goal that is your DCs thanking you for making them safe

Well done.

foggy that must have hurt to read what you had written a year ago. But thank god you did!
Definitely say no to Christmas shopping together. It is not neccessary.
Well done you! Stay strong.

dont worry too much about what you didnt do before -
the point is that you are now in a position to say no to him everytime he asks to do something together. like shopping etc. and dont let him in house again to bath them etc - they can easily go visit with him at his mother's .

work out how you going to organize xmas

if you feel comfortable you could agree to go spend day at his mother's but keep your home as place of sanctuary..

have you taken photos of the damage yet?

Hi Foggy - just wanted to endorse what everyone is saying and hoping that you can keep up your resolve. I think you did this today by phoning the DV unit. It is clear that this man wants to "play happy families" with lovely christmas shopping all together until he goes into one of his rages again and all that will go to pot. I was once stupid enough to fall for this and on christmas eve he came home "falling down" drunk and I had a go at him and he went into a huge rage, and tried to strangle me but I managed to get my kids to my sister. When I drove past the house later I saw he had thrown out some of the children's christmas presents onto the front garden (very small) so could easily be seen by anyone else. I got one of our friends to go up and pick them up and see if he had calmed down. They told me he was in bed asleep so I went back and crept into bed. The children stayed the night at my sisters (I took the presents there) and it was just awful, awful, awful.

I still stayed with him for a few more months and then did finally leave and managed to get my life sorted and have never regretted it. My children are grown into lovely adults.

Surprised that you are not entitled to change locks or refuse to let him in because of joint mortgage. I can see the sense in not changing the locks but I would have thought you had the right not to let him in. You say he gave you the key back, but could have got a spare one for himself cut.

Hope you can stick to your resolve and not be taken in by the thing about christmas, it's all over in a day or two anyway. You certainly don't want to be in this position next christmas do you. I have often heard posters say "I am getting rid in the new year" but that is the road to nowhere - needs to be done now. Presumably there will be lots of things to sort out, especially as the property is jointly owned. When you apply for a divorce all that will be sorted. Women with dependent children are often allowed to remain in the property until the children are independent but you will need a good lawyer (in Jan) to discuss all this with you.

Hope you have a peaceful christmas!

i think the changing locks thing/ not allowing him access is only until a order can be made e.g a restraining order. And that be be made very quickly via the courts. You obviously can't just change the locks /stop access to co-owners without going to court first. However if he kicks off or you think he is going to then call police, they will remove him and warn him or possibly even lock him up depending on what he has done. He may be bailed (or given a warning) not to approach you or your home. You can get emergency court orders very quickly. Post in legal if unsure or wait for someone more knowledgeable to come along here.

Thanks everyone, Dsis has DC2 so I can call tax credits etc and get some rest, but can't sleep so on phone on hold to tax credit line now.

Was feeling very sick/cold/shaky all yesterday but not so bad today, just bone tired. DC2 up several times in night and up for day at 5 anyway so not helping.

Oh FB it is small wonder that you are feeling sick/cold/shaky - I would think a combination of anxiety, lack of sleep and all the stress that you are under. I really hope you will be able to get some rest soon as this is sorely needed. However until everything is settled you are going to feel stressed I'm sure.

Try to think ahead and your next Christmas without him, and enjoying the peace of you and your children.....you will get there - many MNs have been in your position and got free of the abusive H or P. There will be brighter times ahead.

foggy, my X left last Feb after 10 years. It's so hard right at the beginning, but it really DOES get easier, and faster than you think. Kids usually show positive signs first, they validate your decision daily.

This time next year will be unrecognisable.

I met someone for coffee today. 1st 'date' in over 10 years. it went just fine. If anyone had have said even 3m ago that I'd be doing this, I'd have laughed in their face.

Life goes on. Life IS good. It's there to be enjoyed, not endured.

foggybrain when you have time do write that list.

I still have mine, all the reasons why the relationship needed to come to end. Things he had done, how he had made me feel, stuff that had happened, etc. I found it really helpful having it all in black and white.

Don't listen to friends and relative's opinions of what you should do. People don't like to be in the middle of things, don't like change, and usually take the path of least resistance (which if he is stood in front of them will mean making sympathetic noises and being agreeable with him - picture it). You need to do what is best for you and your dcs.

Why was he so desperate for his computer? I think you are very wise to have people there when he comes over, and your idea about xmas shopping is perfectly reasonable.

I experienced the numb autopilot sensation too. The moments when I did momentarily snap out of it I experienced absolute terror. Your body has you in this numb state to protect you, it just shows what kind of situation you are living in for your body to put you in this protective state. Bear in mind your dcs have been living in this same situation/atmosphere and will be feeling it too. They may very well be pleased to see him when he pops to visit, that doesn't mean they would benefit from him moving back in - quite the opposite!

Stay strong FB x

Not sure if anyone will be about to read this, but just feeling crap. DC have both been poorly this week and up a lot at night. I'm going between sad, angry, tearful, anxious/on edge etc.. and very tired. Not getting more than 2 hours sleep in row between both DC.

Meanwhile DH seems fine. He's now done an about face from initial remorse to refusing to say there's any problem and instead blaming me and saying I'm overreacting etc. Made no steps to see Dr or get any help. He's also telling the older DC that he hopes he can come home soon when 'mummy lets him'. He's been round a couple of times to put them to bed, and been fine with them, on surface fine with me, but some of the looks he is giving are making me a bit uneasy although I am finding it hard to trust my judgement.

When I am looking back am I rewriting history and making it all seem worse than it is or am I just seeing clearly for the first time? I think he is hoping the tiredness will wear me down and I'll realise I can't cope on my own and I'll ask him to move back in.

Feel like I am coping practically, although DC been a real handful. It is such bad timing they're both ill. I feel guilty - they are missing their Daddy.

Have really been thinking back over our relationship and realising it has been crap, just crap, for so long and he will never change. I've told a couple of people a few more things about our relationship and they were shocked which in some way makes me feel like I'm not going crazy and that it has been bad.

I know I've made the right choice, it's just hard. I had this hope we could be co-parents and being adult about it and putting DC first, and now I'm worried they are going to be ok when they are with him. He's taken them out to his family tonight and I'm still waiting for them to come back.

He's coming over tomorrow morning so they can open their presents with him there, I just didn't feel able to say no. We're then going off to my Mum's for the rest of the day.

If anyone who replied earlier in the week reads this, thank you for all your help and supportive words.

Dear Foggy, it is not too late to report him and incident to the police. You will get a crime no and if you are afraid more will happen or if he is unsafe with the DCs then that will help you to ask for supervised contact.
Perhaps, one day when he gets some help you can be co-parents but he needs to do some work and until that happens you need to have the firmest boundaries in place. Keep strong and have a lovely day at your mum's tomorrow (((hugs)))

Yes, it is tough, yes you will see improvement in your dc's VERY quickly. Yes you will find your self having moments of feeling ok, and those moments will glue themselves together to become hours, then days.....

Keep on keeping on...you are brave and strong and courageous...more than you realise just now, you really are.

More (((hugs))) from me.

You poor thing - I have been lurking here but just wanted to offer my support and say i am rooting for you and will be sending out good vibes in your direction.

Hang in there - now he's realised his apologies aren't working he is trying a different tack, and it's really shitty o say things like that to your dc.

No advice i'm afraid, just support :)

Have a peaceful day at your mum's tomorrow

Write the List of Crapness whilst it's all still fresh in your mind. Put it somewhere you can access if you feel you are wavering with the exhaustion. Remember that safety and security away from the man who acted violently in your home - more than once - is the best present you can give your children AND yourself.

Thanks. He's not long left. I don't know why I wrote I felt uneasy above - just tired/emotional and being paranoid and silly. He was fine tonight. It's so confusing. I'm not feeling well either and he was just really lovely, telling me all about the DC's evening and asking if I was ok and saying I looked shattered and it was all so normal. I just wanted to cry and have a hug and tell him about how I had had this awful nightmare where someone had been horrific to the DC and I didn't know what to do and I was so lonely, but I couldn't because that person was him. It's like he's two totally different people, the 'rock' who helped me recover from MH issues in my teens, who I built my life on, and the aggressive, selfish, scary, immature arsehole he can turn into. I'm back again to my brain not computing. I just wish we could've kept all the good stuff and got rid of the bad and then we'd be a happy family with two beautiful DC and instead it's all shit.

Sorry, I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I think I am getting the kid's bugs, got sore throat/sick/shakey again. :(

hi foggy. i just wanted to add my little snippet that i've been really struggling with anger issues recently and have started throwing things and really loosing it with my kids. i hate myself for it and can't believe what i've done sometimes and try to deny it, and then think i'm over it the anger just comes out of nowhere and i can't control it. i haven't done anything to try and resolve it yet but am now. i've seen the gp a couple of times and am trying to work out what support/therapy i need but i should have done this a long time ago.

what about you? have you got anyone to talk to or support you? are you taking anything like multivitamins or tonic to help your immune system?
are you getting any time away to yourself to do anything nice? i'm trying to plan regular things - weekly, monthly, every 3months...basic stuff like a massage or hair cut.
this time next year things will be so different. time will go so fast.

have fun tomorrow with your family.

hi foggy just wanted to send you / and a sneaky hug. Hope you managed to have a nice xmas day.

Your sadness and realisation now are completely normal and I'm relieved to see you are seeing through him. Is there anyone local who can help you with the dc (apart from him) if you are feeling crap? If not then do not feel bad about doing the minimal possible for a day or two. I'm talking cbeebies, paper plates, the full quota of lazy parenting tools! Take care of yourself and your dcs.