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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H punched through door in front of DC

196 replies

foggybrain · 17/12/2011 19:29

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating. We had an argument this morning and I did shout at him, so I do feel it is partly my fault. I went out after for 30mins or so and walked back into the house in time to hear him really screaming at our baby. Our three year old and the baby were both hysterically crying. He had lost his temper and punched through a door in front of them both and was screaming at our baby to shut up. 'D' H hasn't even said sorry, has been snappy on and off all day, flying off at the kids and then apologising.

I want him out in the new year. I am telling him this tonight, but he already knows it. What I want to know is what to say to my 3 yo who has been very distressed today. I have already said that Daddy shouldn't have done it, that I am sorry it happened, but feel there is nothing else I can say. I heard DH apologise to her and say it was because he felt poorly (like that's an excuse). Not half an hour later he completely overreacted to her squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. I feel sick every time I see the huge hole in the door.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 22:07

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating....

The door, deliberatly throwing an an object by your baby's head Shock

When the next thing happens it will be worst...

Do not be ashamed to tell us

Log this incident with the police, go to station to speak to female officer,,,but in reality, ideally you must get him out now!

(speaking from personal experience)

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 17/12/2011 22:11

It doesn;t matter that you had a one night stand. It was probably your subconscious pointing out to you that your H is a shit and someone else would be a better bet. Infidelity never justifies violence.
You now owe this man nothing. He has forfeited any right to your affection or your time or your concern. The fact that he is out of the family home is all his own fault. Do inform the police DV unit that he has left, you have thrown him out because of his violent behaviour that was endangering the DC, that you don't want him back, and make sure it's on record so that they will respond quickly if he decides to turn up pissed at 3am and try to break in. THey will be able to advise you on getting an emergency injunction to keep him out of the house.
Because this is an emergency, men like this who have no desire to control their violent tempers escalate very, very fast when they are stood up to; you need external, professional support.

neuroticmumof3 · 17/12/2011 22:14

Foggy, this is a serious child protection matter. You absolutely must not leave this man alone with your children. You yourself are also potentially at high risk of harm. He may not have been directly violent in the past but that could change in the blink of an eye. When abusive relationships start to break down the risk to the woman increases. You've already noticed an escalation. Two women a week are killed by their partner or ex partner and a lot of domestic homicides happen when relationships are breaking down. I'm not being melodramatic, I work in DV and am extremely worried about you and your children. PLEASE report this incident to the police - he should be put on bail for criminal damage and not be allowed to return to the house. I know it's really tough for you to take all this in but you need to take positive action to protect yourself and your children. PM me if you like.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 22:18

he has been "directly violent"

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 22:21

You need to ring the police tonight or if you have gone to bed, first thing in the morning, but if you are still reading this, tonight would be much much better!

Tell them about what happened - he screamed at both the children, he threw something narrowly missing the baby, he punched a hole in the door etc etc Tell them you were scared of him so called his mother hoping she would remove him more peacefully than if you had called them, tell them he is now out of the house but that you want an emergency injuntion to keep him out of the house as you are scared of him.

He hasn't hit you or the kids YET He will.

NOTHING you have done, including a one night stand, justifies his behaviour and the fact that you think it might is worrying - it means he has messed with your head sufficiently to make you think this is your fault - it isn't.

For your safety and your childrens safety you need to call the the police.

He hasn't hit any of you YET. He will.

Please - ring the police.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 17/12/2011 22:27

You need to report it to the police.

It is good you have asked him to leave. I hope you wont let him come back. You would be failing to protect your children if you did let him back.

Jemma1111 · 17/12/2011 22:31

Foggy

You MUST listen to the advice given to you by all of the poster's, not just for your sake but for your children's also.

If you don't kick him to the kerb now then I ask the question, what will he have to do to make you see what a vile thing he is?, will you only get rid of him when he punches you or your babies?. Because, believe me, he WILL turn on you.

Don't let it happen. Protect your children, your'e their mum and they need you to keep them from harm.

JesusHatesYou · 17/12/2011 22:40

www.expressandstar.com/news/2011/12/13/seven-years-in-prison-for-father-who-killed-baby/

happened up the road from me, knew the bloke from school daze.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 22:42

Oh Darling you only need one misjudged missile to make your baby blind, or damage their brain. Your DH has shown he doesn't love his children enough, to ensure their safety when he's in a bad mood. You need to get this logged becasue a) if you stay with him, it will happen again and next time you and your DC's may not be so lucky and b),if you don't stay with him, your children aren't going to be safe if he gets sole contact and if there is no evidence of his violence, then he is going to get sole contact. You're too scared to leave the children with him now. Imagine how it will feel if a court forces you to hand them over to him so that he can throw things at them without you being around to catch them.

Getting this logged will protect your children. Please don't weaken on this. Remember the sound of coming in the door and hearing them screaming in terror. And remind yourself that this is your future if you stay with him, and their future if you don't get this logged.

puzzlesum · 17/12/2011 22:45

MIL and DH both asked if he goes tonight can he come back tomorrow when I've calmed down

Listen to this choice of language, foggy, it's very important. The reason he has gone is not because he is a dangerous and violent man, it's because you're not calm. Therefore once you have fixed the problem of you not being calm there can be a further discussion.

This is utter bullshit but is deliberately, if subconsciously, designed to reinforce your belief that somehow you share responsibility for his actions. That actually maybe most of the responsibility is yours.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

You've taken the first step tonight. Keep it up.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 22:46

Just read the article Jesus

seven years [silenceshockitsfuckingdisgracefulemoticon]

QuintessentiallyFestive · 17/12/2011 22:50

Yes, and I am also concerned that the mil is putting the onus on YOU to work on the marriage to make it work.

Excuse me, what exactly is she implying? That you should change? You should calm down and change how you react to his violence?

In my view, they are both a danger to your children. Even if you were to separate, and he were to have contact with the children at her house, they would STILL not be safe. She would not protect them, she does not see that HE is a problem. YOU are the problem.

You need to get the police involved and on your side PRONTO. Before he repairs the door.

ElfenorRathbone · 17/12/2011 22:53

Yes that is a very good point puzzlesam, their chocie of langueage - you need to calm down - means there is no acknowlegement that he's done anything wrong.

You don't need to calm down btw, you need to stay angry and focused. You and your children are in an enormous amount of danger from this man and your MIL and he are going to try and convince you tomorrow that you're over-reacting and you deserved it anyway because of the ONS. To stop you capitulating to their bullshit you need to call the police and report his criminal behaviour. Shagging someone isn't a criminal offence. Criminal damage and certain types of child abuse, are. If the police have been informed, you will feel stronger and in control. Take control now, the police will help you do that.

JesusHatesYou · 17/12/2011 23:13

Indeed, Going.
And in the context of the op, there is little diffrence between losing it and delivering a punch to a door, and a fatal punch to a baby.
Please take heed op, don't let your family be the next tragic headline like this.

stuffedfull · 18/12/2011 00:16

I rarely post but having read OPs post I had to .... Please foggy take this on board ...... I was in a similar situation to you with a 3yr old and a new born, relationship had been bad for a while due to DH's redundancy, depression, drinking. Many awful thing happened but last straw was when he became very aggressive to me infront of front of 3yr old.

I had always felt I didn't want to break up the family, hurt relationships, convinced myself his behaviour wasn't that bad etc etc. but this time was different because of what my child had seen. It was no longer just about me - I was always happy to put myself to the bottom of the list - but my son had witnessed very wrong behaviour. We had a trial split that turned in to eventual divorce.

He has now sobered up, lives nearby and has a good relationship with both DCs. My son is now 14 and still remembers that 'last straw' moment when he was 3yrs old and knows that the behaviour was wrong and lead to the end of our marriage. He has grown up understanding that a man CAN NOT treat a woman like that. Had I stayed I would have been a very poor role model for both my DCs, they would have grown up thinking it is acceptable behaviour, now they know it absolutely isn't. It's so so important for children to see and understand that and to see the consequences of bad behaviour. It has shown DS he must treat women well and taught DD she should be treated well in a relationship and not accept abusive behaviour.

If you can't do it for yourself (which I totally understand) do it for your children. 15 years later we are in a good healthy place with strong relationships, it would be toxic and extremely damaging if we were still together. Please think about this. Good luck xxxxxx

stuffedfull · 18/12/2011 00:19

And one more thing (sorry!!) a mother - as we all know - will do anything to support and protect their child, your MIL will want to make things better for her child so be careful about what you discuss with her as she will, in all likelihood, try to convince you to to try and make it work with your DH . You won't do yourself any favours by confiding in her.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 00:23

very good post, stuffed

you should post more often

namechangerbat · 18/12/2011 08:37

Morning OP hope you're ok

Original poster
foggybrain · 18/12/2011 08:37

Thank you everyone, I went to bed after my last post so just caught up this morning. Had an ok night. When DC got up I explained to 3 yo that when daddy made a hole in the door, it was very naughty and because of this he has gone away for a bit to think about what he has done. Her little face when I said it - she just broke into a big, relieved smile and said 'no more holes in doors?' I think that was the push I needed to stay firm. Still undecided about police, am going to talk to my family today, but am going to say to DH I don't want him to come back.

DC both wanting me so have ti go but will try and post later.

OP posts:
nojustificationneeded · 18/12/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 18/12/2011 09:02

Stay strong if you can. I grew up in a home with a lot of DV. It's caused me all sorts of problems.

I think your MIL is a bully too.

GypsyMoth · 18/12/2011 09:07

The police call is vital! You need this on record for child access reasons later in, or you won't have a leg to stand on!

They will cone out and take a quick statement

struwelpeter · 18/12/2011 09:21

Dear Foggy,
when the MiL convinces you the children need to be with their Dad, when he comes over all sorry and says he won't do it again 'as long as you remain calm' Sad, you will need the police report to show to courts, SS or mediator. Please get the report, it will be the only thing in a few months time and long after the door has been repaired to say this is what happened otherwise it's his word against yours.
There is a script to go along with abuse ... and however strong you feel now, you are only human if you feel regret, some kind of hope or sadness takes over he may try to win either you or the DCs round. A crime no and a report is one very solid piece in your armour against this happening again.

santastooearlymustdache · 18/12/2011 09:23

glad you've listened to your DD, she deserves better in her life, and you can give it to her Smile

you also need to call the police, for her sake, and your baby.

keep posting, there are many of us who have got rid of violent ex's and understand all of what you are going through

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 18/12/2011 09:31

Yes, you definitely need to report it. Because when this man tries to stroll back in and you refuse to let him, he's going to kick off again. And once his violence is on record, the police will prioritize any calls from you and you'll get a quick response.