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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H punched through door in front of DC

196 replies

foggybrain · 17/12/2011 19:29

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating. We had an argument this morning and I did shout at him, so I do feel it is partly my fault. I went out after for 30mins or so and walked back into the house in time to hear him really screaming at our baby. Our three year old and the baby were both hysterically crying. He had lost his temper and punched through a door in front of them both and was screaming at our baby to shut up. 'D' H hasn't even said sorry, has been snappy on and off all day, flying off at the kids and then apologising.

I want him out in the new year. I am telling him this tonight, but he already knows it. What I want to know is what to say to my 3 yo who has been very distressed today. I have already said that Daddy shouldn't have done it, that I am sorry it happened, but feel there is nothing else I can say. I heard DH apologise to her and say it was because he felt poorly (like that's an excuse). Not half an hour later he completely overreacted to her squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. I feel sick every time I see the huge hole in the door.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

OP posts:
ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2011 19:46

He was screaming at your baby to shut up in front of your 3 year old and punched a hole in the door in front of them.

He needs to be out already, Christmas is not important. The safety of you and your kids is paramount.

Call the police to help you get him out.

At this point should you really care where he goes so long as he is not near your or your kids? He waived the right to have you care about him when he was aggressive to your children.

Original poster
foggybrain · 17/12/2011 19:47

He won't hurt me, I am sure of it. He has never actually hit any of us. Well, he came pretty close a couple of weeks ago as he threw something that came within a milimetre of the baby's head, but it was an accident. I genuinly don't think he would hurt anyone. I did leave him briefly with the baby earlier actually as the two of them together seem hard for him, but was nervous.

I have a relative who is in police but I am not sure he will take me seriously. I could call him. Am going to just calm down for a sec and then talk to DH and explain calmly this can't continue and ask him to go to his mums tonight.

OP posts:
namechangerbat · 17/12/2011 19:48

He threw some thing and it nearly hit the baby?

JESUS CHRIST PHONE THE POLICE

bamboobutton · 17/12/2011 19:49

fil was (and still is) like this when dh was a child. mil didn't leave, fil went on to physically abuse dh and bil.

they both remember it.

get him out and get him away from your children.

santastooearlymustdache · 17/12/2011 19:50

are you going to wait until he's had a bit of target practise then?

seriously, he needs to leave now

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 19:50

"Is it really that bad? Jesus, I know it is. I don't think people will believe me, they'll say he's under a lot of pressure etc... that I'm overreacting".

Yes it is really that bad and you yourself have stated that these incidents have escalated (as happens in domestic violence).

I for one believe you as well as all these posters here; he could kick off again at any time and you can no longer take any further risks with him. You are in a dangerous situation. (I was going to ask whether he saw violence in his own childhood).

"How, how, how can he do this to them? He's so lovely with them usually, except when he goes off like this".

Abuse in all its forms is about power and control. I would argue that he is not lovely at all. You cannot live with him anymore but you have a choice re him - your children do not.

FairToMiddlin · 17/12/2011 19:51

Please OP - listen to what people are saying.

I was raised in a family with DV. Believe me, he doesn't have to actually hit you or the DC to cause damage to your mental health that will last for years.

singingprincess · 17/12/2011 19:52

Get him out now...he WILL hit one of you.

Christmas is one day...there will be another one next year....you want you and your kids to see it? Get him out. Call the police.

scentednappyhag · 17/12/2011 19:53

Foggy- really, you have to get him to leave NOW. Even if you think it's drastic, just think what the consequences could be if he's not as you think. Please be safe Sad

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 19:54

Speak to the police and ask that the relative of yours is not assigned to your case. You need to call them tonight; this cannot wait any longer and any further delays on your part will not help you.

You cannot go on like this; he will end up emotionally destroying you all if not killing you first. He has hit doors and thrown things (probably aimed at you but came within millimeters of hitting the baby's head); it is but a short step now to actually hitting you. Don't think it would not happen to you because it could.

Original poster
foggybrain · 17/12/2011 19:54

Have just called MIL and broke down on phone,she is coming over.

OP posts:
namechangerbat · 17/12/2011 19:56

Please keep us updated

PLEASE PHONE THE POLICE.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 19:56

You need to phone the police too; MIL may not be at all helpful to you in the long run. What realistically can she do?. She's probably downplayed his behaviour for years and she could well end up siding with her darling boy.

notjustmewithballson · 17/12/2011 19:57

He threw something at a baby and it was only lucky that it missed by mm? And you think that he wouldn't hurt any of you? Holy hell, you need to get him out of the house.

MollieO · 17/12/2011 19:58

Deliberately throwing something is not an accident. Shouting at your 3 yr old and baby is not nothing. Really hope you will act on other's advice here and ask him to leave tonight.

I don't understand how you are trying to justify his behaviour. You are a mother first and foremost - it is your duty above everything else to keep your children safe. Is there anyone you can go and stay with tonight?

memorylapse · 17/12/2011 19:58

Please,please,please phone the police and have this man removed. As a child I would hear my father smashing things up in the house, my mother was terrified of him, he never laid a finger on her but she said he physically punched a hole in the wall once. They split when I was 6 due to his extra marital affairs but as a child I was terrified of him, he may never have touched my mum but he instead started trying out his fists on me Sad..his favourite saying was "Im going to thrash the living daylights out of you" to me, an under 6 year old

MollieO · 17/12/2011 19:59

Xposted. Glad your MIL is coming over - make sure she takes your dh with her when she leaves.

Sapphirefling · 17/12/2011 20:00

Get him out. Now. I was sure that my ex wouldn't hit me. Even though he had a vile temper. I was sure he wouldn't hurt the children. I was wrong on both counts. The police will help you. They will see the damage he has down to the door. Don't wait until the damage shows on you and your childrens bodies.
And my biggest regret was allowing him to do it. Because I did. By not standing up to him. You and your babies deserve better than this life. And we will all be here to help you through this.

JsOtherHalf · 17/12/2011 20:01

I don't want to scare you, but I know of social services carrying out child protection inquiries on less serious incidents. The chances are his behaviour will escalate...

gorgeouslatinrose · 17/12/2011 20:01

Call your relative who is in the police, and call a family member or friend to come too, in case your MIL try to get you to keep him their. You need all the support you can get, good luck , if anything happens call the police

Meglet · 17/12/2011 20:03

Social services wrote to me after I had to contact the police about XP. There was a meeting but in the end they said they weren't going to take it any further as I had kicked XP out. They just wanted to know he wasn't going to be living here anymore.

johnworf · 17/12/2011 20:03

Just make sure the MiL doesn't try and talk you out if phoning the police and getting him out of the house. Your children have seen more than enough today. Do it for them.

MrsMcEnroe · 17/12/2011 20:04

foggybrain You need to phone the police. I also grew up in a family where there was DV. Throwing things at people is domestic violence. What if he hadn't missed the baby's head by a milimetre? Please read this very carefully and please take it on board: you are responsible for your children's wellbeing and you owe it to them to keep this man away from them, for their safety.

MIL is going to persuade you to cut your DH some slack or to go and stay at her place for a few days while he calms down ... do not do this without legal advice, and report him to the police for criminal damage and threatening behaviour so that they can arrest and caution him. You need to get all this on the record now in order to safeguard the DCs (and you) for the future.

I know it is scary and I know you can't believe that this is happening to you- but you need to act now in order to protect your innocent children. Children who experience DV never fully recover from it; trust me on that one. The baby will have no memory of what has happened, but you've got a very small window of opportunity to get your 3-year-old away before this violent man has a negative impact ... if he hasn't already, but at least you can ensure that no further damage is done.

nojustificationneeded · 17/12/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 17/12/2011 20:07

I hate to sound dramatic but it will only take him shaking your baby when in a rage to turn his anger into a tragedy. Please make him leave.

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