'D'H punched through door in front of DC

[foggybrain]

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating. We had an argument this morning and I did shout at him, so I do feel it is partly my fault. I went out after for 30mins or so and walked back into the house in time to hear him really screaming at our baby. Our three year old and the baby were both hysterically crying. He had lost his temper and punched through a door in front of them both and was screaming at our baby to shut up. 'D' H hasn't even said sorry, has been snappy on and off all day, flying off at the kids and then apologising.

I want him out in the new year. I am telling him this tonight, but he already knows it. What I want to know is what to say to my 3 yo who has been very distressed today. I have already said that Daddy shouldn't have done it, that I am sorry it happened, but feel there is nothing else I can say. I heard DH apologise to her and say it was because he felt poorly (like that's an excuse). Not half an hour later he completely overreacted to her squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. I feel sick every time I see the huge hole in the door.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

I agree with what is said above.

Call the Police, this is DV with criminal damage, plus there is a child protection issue as he did it in front of the children and in the past throw something at the baby.

Do not find him any excuses (or let your MIL do so and convince you).

You need him out of your life and house now.

Good luck.

Please do listen to what everyone has said- get this man out of your house tonight. He has no control over his temper, he could easily harm your children physically and is already harming them emotionally. They need you to protect them.

How you doing op?

If you are afraid that he will harm the children if left alone with them then you need to record his violence with the police, because you might want the children to have only supervised contact with him in future.

They have just left. MIL and DH both asked if he goes tonight can he come back tomorrow when I've calmed down, I said i didn't know.

When he threw the thing, it wasnt at the baby (apparently) it was at the floor. Right next to the baby's head.

MIL seemed quite cold and angry with me I thought, She wants us to meet up to talk tomorrow evening. DH just sat and hanged his head mostly. Gave me a look I can't interpret on the way out, think he feels very betrayed I brought MIL into it. They were both sat opposite me and MIL asking if I wanted the marriage to work and what the problem was (there are so many issues, we are v mismatched on a number of levels).

He did say he still wanted things to work and he;d shot himself in the foot now with the door thing. It#s what he said the last couple of times too, then he seems to forget about it until it happens again, then he's sorry again.

I know there's an elemtn of did I provoke him. About two years ago I had an awful horrible one night stand, which I bitterly regret, but classic looking for affection/validation elsewhere. We've never dealt with it as a couple, DH is furious with me for it, but his temper pre-dates it by a long way. But I know I am not exactly whiter than white in all this and I have to take my share of the responsibility. I don't know, MIL's reaction makes me feel like she's thinking I'm using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage and making a big deal out of it. I keep having to go back to look at the hole and remember the kids screaming as I walked in to remind myself it is real.

Massive hugs to you and your DC.

I grew up in a household with DV, and I vividly remember the holes in the doors... the crappy walls... the windows. I remember them, but can't remember my mum's damaged face.

Please don't let your MIL talk you into anything - what she thinks of you right now is not important. Call the police now and report it - losing his rag with your kids and punching a hole in the door is not acceptable behaviour.

You have to remember that the MIL is always going to want to protect her boy - just as you feel about your DCs. That doesn't change when your child gets older. So it's unlikely she'll be objective just yet and she's probably in shock to an extent - don't dwell too much on her reaction tonight.

You've done the right thing - and there's no rush re deciding what happens next. Don't feel pressured by anyone into thinking "this time tomorrow I need to know if I want to try again" - if it takes weeks, and you then decide it will never work, that's fine. And if the anger pre-dates the fling, then stop taking any sort of culpability for the anger.

Well, that was a conversation stopper.

What your MiL thinks matters no more than what I think ie absolutely nothing.

Your husband has a violent temper which he chooses not to control. You dont have to justify yourself to your MiL or your husband. Things have gone way beyond that.

Oops, no it wasn't.
I think all the advice still stands, especially if the one-nighter was because there were troubles in the marriage to begin with.
Even throwing something on the floor, in the vicinity of a baby, is not on.
Maybe he should stay with his mum for Christmas.
Give you breathing space.
Good luck.
It's terrible what some people are putting up with.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. Feeling a bit calmer now, just really tired.

You should call the police and have this incident logged so IF you ever end up in court etc over your children and there is a fact finding case there will be evidence of this event. You MUST do this.

My ex did this although it was a wall. I'd just left hospital after almost dying during a natural miscarriage. My DD saw everything and is still traumatised years later.

You can't say anything to make it better, the damage is done and you will feel shit about it for the rest of your life unless you take action and leave the miserable fucker.

Your DC need you to leave for their physical and mental well being.

Your ONS is not an excuse for your husband to punch holes in walls, throw things at the baby's haed or tell the baby to 'shut up'. Jesus. He's gone now, don't let him back. Please don't. Think about your children. Do you want them to witness things like this in the future? He will not change. Get rid, please.

And what MIL thinks about your marriage doesn't matter at all. It's none of her business. Also, if it was my son who behaved like your DH did today, I would be furious and would definitely not try to pressure my DIL to get back with him. Oh no.

I agree with others - what your MIL thinks is irrelevant in this.

Stop blaming yourself - there is no excuse for your partner's aggression.

Hug your DC and I hope you can get some rest tonight (I know it won't be easy) so you can think a little clearer tomorrow. We will be here to support you tomorrow and anytime in the future. You are not alone.

so basically he's 'upset' because 2 years ago you had a ONS?

he's a big fucking baby who's throwing things about instead of talking and moving on

get rid - have you called the police yet?

Don't meet with him and mil tomorrow. She is going to help him convince you that all can be fixed.

As for the ons, he may well be angry about it, but other people manage to be angry without violence. Do not blame yourself for any of this. It is not your fault. Please do not allow him back to your home to scare your children more.

foggy you've done a really difficult but completely the right thing - please think so carefully about whether you really want your children exposed to violence: learning that violence is a legitimate way of expressing frustration/anger. As they grow up, they WILL blame themselves, they WILL think they deserve to be treated with violence.

His behaviour is inexcusable, nothing you or your babies did or didn't do gives him any reason to behave the way he is.

I post occasionally, mainly lurk, but I grew up, like others on this thread, exposed to the kind of violence (and worse) that he perpetrated today and it fucked me up royally and took a massive effort of will to escape. Keep yourself and your children safe from that. They are only babies and you know they need you to protect them and I think that involves calling the police.

I'm so so sorry you're having to deal with this - no one should. Stay safe.x

Your children are in danger from him.

Please protect them.

Thank you again to everyone who has posted, I really appreciate it. I am going to get to bed, DC2 will be up a couple of times overnight so need to get my head down. Hopefully I can think clearer tomorrow. Thanks again.

So he deliberately threw something right next to the baby's head?

I thought when you said that was an accident, that you meant that it genuinely was - as in, he had no idea that the baby as nearby etc.

You must not allow him to come back into the house.

If his anger is uncontrolled enough to allow him to make what he KNOWS is a violent gesture towards the baby, you cannot let this resume. You cannot.

That action was deliberate, you know - designed to frighten you, designed to let you know that if you don't appease him, he could do something terrible. Calculated so that he would narrowly miss the baby, just to put the fear of God into you. Or maybe just to punish you. Whatever.

He might have miscalculated and not missed.

He might, next time, be so overtaken by anger that he doesn't calculate at all.

He might not even care next time.

The important thing is, he is a danger to the children.

Please call the police and get tonight logged. For two main reasons:

-you do not know how any of this is going to pan out, you may find that you need a record of this;

-you will come under pressure to let this go, informing the police is one extra level of protection against this being swept under the carpet. Even if all it does right now is give MIL the metaphorical shake she needs to get her to butt the fuck out of it and realise that what her darling boy has done is indefensible.

I would not meet them tomorrow. Lock the doors, call MIL tomorrow am and be coldly non-negotiable about the whole thing - you have rethought, you will be spending the day with your children as they have had a bad night/nightmares, they witnessed all their father's violence and you will be spending the day with them. You have nothing to say to your H at the moment and think it best that he stays away for the foreseeable future.

If she has the absolute fucking brass neck to argue, cut her off with a sharp reminder that her son is a violent aggressive beast and if you hear another bleat in his defence from her, she can kiss goodbye to any respect you have for her, and probably kiss goodbye to a relationship with her grandchildren at the same time. Including the baby that her son threw an object towards the head of. Just incase she wasn't aware of that little delight.

I hope you all get a good night's sleep. Please, please contact the police re this incident. Throwing anything near a baby is not on, you DCs seeing any of this is not on. And the door is criminal damage.
You need the backup there if necessary for whatever pans out and also they may be able to put you in touch with help and advice re domestic violence.
Don't be pressurised by MiL, see won't be able to see her son as wholly to blame.
Couples do argue, do push each other's buttons, do nag but mature adults don't throw things anywhere near a baby and don't smash a door - that is what cushions or a walk are for. You are not to blame for you H raising his fist or chucking an object. No way.

It'll be your face next time. Happy Christmas :(

Anything you have said since the OP does not change my mind that you should get this man out of your house, and keep him out