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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H punched through door in front of DC

196 replies

foggybrain · 17/12/2011 19:29

We have already talked about seperating, this is the latest in a long line of incidents which seem to be escalating. We had an argument this morning and I did shout at him, so I do feel it is partly my fault. I went out after for 30mins or so and walked back into the house in time to hear him really screaming at our baby. Our three year old and the baby were both hysterically crying. He had lost his temper and punched through a door in front of them both and was screaming at our baby to shut up. 'D' H hasn't even said sorry, has been snappy on and off all day, flying off at the kids and then apologising.

I want him out in the new year. I am telling him this tonight, but he already knows it. What I want to know is what to say to my 3 yo who has been very distressed today. I have already said that Daddy shouldn't have done it, that I am sorry it happened, but feel there is nothing else I can say. I heard DH apologise to her and say it was because he felt poorly (like that's an excuse). Not half an hour later he completely overreacted to her squeezing too much toothpaste out of the tube. I feel sick every time I see the huge hole in the door.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help our three year old?

OP posts:
WhoWhoWhoWho · 18/12/2011 09:32

Well done on getting him out yesterday but you do need to log what he did with the police, if only for if he comes back in a rage so they are aware there are DV issues. PLUS he has been screaming and throwing things when in sole care of them, he is not a safe parent and if you don't get this on record it could have repercussions for your dcs in terms of access being unsupervised and DANGEROUS.

You don't have to have a sit down chat with your MIL about your marriage Hmm. As another poster said her priority will be HER son, and it seems they all know he has a temper anyway and look the other way so I wouldn't count on her to be supportive of what is best for you and your dcs. Tell her you aappreciate her concern but need to process this incident yourself and decide what is best for you and the kids without her input.

Are your family supportive of you? If so do tell them, or friends, you need some RL support as well as on here.

You did well yesterday getting him out of the house and need to picture your DD's little face lighting up whenever you waiver. That was her fear leaving the building.

TardlyWhiptrack · 18/12/2011 09:39

Please, as others are saying, you DO need to report this.

It isn't about escalating the situation now - thankfully, you won't need to as long as he stays away.

What happens in four days' time when he's worked himself back up into a rage that you're keeping him out of 'his' house and away from 'his' family for Christmas?

What happens if/when you do split and things get nasty?

What happens when it comes to access and you are forced to leave your baby with him for the day the morning after you've had yet another snarling blaming phonecall from him and you KNOW he's in a foul mood?

You are tying one hand behind your back by not reporting this. A lot of women do this - it seems so final, so serious to involve the police - and they regret it, my friend did. She regretted that when things got nastier than she ever imagined, all the 'little' incidents were not on file.

Don't put yourself at a disadvantage here. Report this if only to give you more control in the future over access and to what extent you can protect your children. Don't keep his secrets for him and put your children at greater risk.

MollieO · 18/12/2011 09:42

You need to report it to the police. You can bet anything that your 'd'h will use everything he can to win custody of the children in divorce proceedings. If you don't get his DV on record then it is his word against yours.

lou33 · 18/12/2011 09:57

He needs to go ASAP. My now exh did the same, punched a hole in a door whilst shouting at me and worrying the kids. Apparently I should have been grateful he hit the door and not me,which he said was what he wanted to do. It escalates.

It does not get better. Life is so much better for all of us in the years since he finally went .

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 18/12/2011 10:20

Please call the police.

moonstorm · 18/12/2011 10:37

Oh for goddness sake, call the police!

What have you got to lose??????

Call them, get it logged. You need never think of it again.

Don't call, and it is never on record.

I am so angry on so many levels. You need to do this.

Look after your dcs and yourself.

Will you just listen to oeople. Look at the other threads on here, look at how many people regret not calling. JUST DO IT.

lou33 · 18/12/2011 10:51

I wish I had called the police when he punched the door. I wish I had called the police when he pushed me when drunk causing me to break 2 toes. I wish I had called the police when I woke in the middle of the night to find him sexually assaulting me.

So when I finally DID call the police and report him for harassment, all those other incidents would have been there as proof of his behaviour.

You really must get it logged with them.

QueenCess · 18/12/2011 11:19

I have had dealings with the police this week re DV and I just want you to know they were wonderful. Report this incident and others too.

You will be treated respectfully, sensitively and believed.

Please do this to protect your children from more harm. They have already witnessed something that no little ones should from someone who should protect them above all. It's a double breach of trust.

You have to act NOW. Do it because with the messages of support he is getting from his toxic mother he is likely to escalate the violence further because he will feel justified in doing so. He is getting the repeated message that this is your fault.

You need to keep as far away from MIL as is humanly possible.

This is so typical of DV that gets worse you have to remove yourself and your children from this abuser.

Repeat to yourself that this is not your fault. He chooses how he behaves and he has chosen to abuse your children. Please protect them now.

blackeyedsanta · 18/12/2011 11:27

some places will com anad photograph the evidence so that it can be used in legal cases. you could look into getting that done.

Jemma1111 · 18/12/2011 11:50

No one can force you to go to the Police and report his behaviour, it's entirely up to you what to do.

However, YOU and your children WILL AGAIN one day suffer from his actions in one way or another if you don't report him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you really want to look back in months/years time and kick yourself for not going to the Police?.

If you do log this incident down, you will be so thankful later on when he bullies you over the children or whatever. Don't kid yourself that abuse stops when you break up, it often gets worse.

Please listen to EVERYONE on this thread when we are urging you to report him. Many of us speak from EXPERIENCE !!!!!!!!

HollyTwat · 18/12/2011 12:58

I didn't report it when exh kIckes a hole in my sons bedroom door (which also remembers 7 years later), I didn't report it when he smashed the light switch which my son remembers. I did however report about 7 subsequent incidents where he threatened to glass me in the face whilst I was holding ds2 as a baby.

Those 7 times were recorded

They were very useful in getting supervised contact for the d
That he hit my son 6 weeks ago was also reported
Just trying to illustrate how this type of man doesn't ever change he just gets worse

HollyTwat · 18/12/2011 12:59

*spelling due to iPhone grr

manticlimactic · 18/12/2011 14:39

I can't believe MIL said they'd return when YOU'VE calmed down. Wtf?? Sounds like she's turning this round onto you.

I agree with everyone else. Report it.

ElfenorRathbone · 18/12/2011 15:08

foggybrain, why do you think you haven't called the police and you need to think about it more?

What are the advantages to you , of not getting this incident on file?

Do you think it would be an overreaction?

Do you think that it would escalate the situation somehow, making it worse?

Do you think that it's waving good bye to any chance of a reconciliation?

Do you think that your friends and family would think you were being a drama queen?

Do you think the police would take over and you'd lose control of the situation completely?

I'm not firing questions at you to harry you, just trying to get you to think through what the pscychological barrier is, to reporting this. There is a very good reason women (or men) don't report DV incidents, they're not being stupid or weak, they're just following a gut instinct because something is telling them to and if you can de-construct why it is that you feel afraid to call the police (because it is fear, isn't it?) then we might be able to support you better than we are atm. Long term there is absolutely no question whatsoever, that you and your DC's interests are best served by reporting this, even if you get back together with your DH , but certainly if you don't. If we can help you pick that phone up and protect your interests, this will stand you in really good stead for the future. Not reporting is a really wrong course of action.

lou33 · 18/12/2011 16:27

My exh only stopped giving me hassle when I got involved in a serious relationship 2 yrs ago , most probably because he is a bully and a coward who won't risk pushing it with someone more of an equal physically.

We have been apart for just over 6 yrs now, and I agree with the poster who said it often gets worse after spllitting, he really went into overdrive, which is year another reason I wish I had reported the earlier incidents.

lou33 · 18/12/2011 16:30

Sorry I meant it will happen again, at some point, I added the post splitting thing in my head from my own experiences.

cheesesarnie · 18/12/2011 16:46

stop putting the blame on yourself and making excuses for him.hes a violent angry man that shouldnt be near you or your dc.

HoudiniHissy · 18/12/2011 16:59

Photograph the door, the damage.

It would be better for you if you did get this on record, if you did report him.
IF you need DV help in the future, it is essential to get as much EVIDENCE as possible, or it'll be your word against his, and that is too big a risk.

NanaNina · 18/12/2011 17:12

OP - I agree with all the other posters. I am retired social worker in child protection. This man has already caused serious emotional abuse to your 3 yr old and only just missed physical abuse to the baby, and you say that was an accident - all right he might have been aiming at the door, but he knew the baby was very close. IF he does take his temper out on one or both of the children (and who knows what he would have done, had you not returned when you did) it doesn't take long to go from yelling at a baby to shaking, and as you know that can cause brain damage, he will be seen as the perpetrator but you will be seen as failing to protect and the children could be removed.

I know that it is easy for everyone to say "get rid" and how hard it is for you because I suspect there is a lot of you that will be sucked back in, if and when he apologises. If you let him back, don't forget that he will have a big axe to grind, inthat you involved his mother. This man cannot regulate his emotions and your children are at risk of being harmed.

BUT no amount of posts will help unless you see the danger, and I'm not convinced that you do at the moment. Some OPs who come on with accounts like this, disappear, because everyone is saying "get rid" and they think they have let everyone down if they have not "got rid" - please keep posting OP even if he is back, because you will still need support.

HoudiniHissy · 18/12/2011 19:22

Great post naninina!

UnlikelyAmazonian · 18/12/2011 19:28

Depending on where you live, the polive will take no notice. sorry to be voice of doom but it'a true. report damage and circs so there is a log but don't expect anything much else. they don't turn up for ages either after a report of DV. too busy doing the easy stuff with drunks in town. or eating their takeaways.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 18/12/2011 19:29

definitely report it though. for the log thing. and tell family that you have logged it so that they know to ask for it.

namechangerbat · 18/12/2011 20:00

Please phone the police.

Original poster
foggybrain · 18/12/2011 20:00

Hi thanks to everyone for your posts again. I have been trying to read in the day but with the children finding it impossible to post.

Talked to my family, all supportive and also women's aid and they've given me a number of a local victim support to speak to tomorrow.

Will post again in a bit.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 20:02

Good to hear from you

Keep posting x