How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

[nonglamorous]

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

what redeeming features does he have?

I'd be really hurt by that. How shitty of him.

I'm sorry to say it makes him sound like an utter nob.

Change the fucking locks.

Sorry, just touched a nerve.

Was it a male or female colleague?

Does he compartmentalize his life alot? like home and work shoul dnever mix. my husband (9 years younger) is a bit like that. though he would never say something like that as I would have his guts for garters.

I would be very upset if I felt DH was embarassed by me. I think the fact that he got flustered and didn't even say bye to you makes him sound like a stroppy teenager. He doesn't sound very nice to you, sorry.

I do say things to DH like "You're not wearing that are you?!" but that would be before we went out! And I still love him and would not try to hide him from colleagues.

Male colleague. But something similar happened in a park once when we were with the dc, he saw a female colleague walking her dog and said "just going to take kids to introduce to "female colleague". No mention of me and in the end I just wandered over and he sort of had to introduce me.

Actually its comforting to hear that others think this is bad as well because I wondered if I was being silly to be quite so hurt by it.

I suppose he does compartmentalise but NOT when we were first together, ie two kids ago! I met everyone before we had kids. I don't think I look any different tbh, obviously 8 years older and less make up but certainly the basics are in place.

OP, it's not just bad, it's appalling. When is he due home?

Next week.

Like I say this is not the first time, I have felt that he was embarassed by me but this is the first time he has come right out and said it. As well as not letting me meet work colleagues and friends etc. I sort of knew he felt like this but he has always denied it before.

I'd feel very pissed off and insulted, in answer to your initial question. What a charmer!
He sounds like a prick, what a shame he is that shallow.... next time let him make his own arrangements about getting to and from the airport.
I hope his colleague had better manners. Surprising your H behaved like that towards you in front of a colleague, not showing himself in a very good light is it?
ungrateful too, not oinly are you expected to give him a lift to the airport but are supposed to dress up for the occasion too! Unbelievable!

Aw that's really mean, I'd be terribly hurt by that too. You need to let him know how hurtful you find it. You're not being silly, he's the one of the only people in the world who shouldn't care if you've got makeup on or are wearing trainers and a fleece.. what a prick. Don't let him turn this around onto you either.

I hope you are not going to pick him up from the airport next week! if he asks you to, just say you wouldn't dream of putting him through such a trauma again, wouldn't want to embarrass him with your shabby appearance!
,
Unbelievable thing in the park introducing kids and not you. Hideous!

Not helpful, I'm afraid, but I couldn't put up with this sort of insulting and disrespectful behaviour - what an arse!

This would destroy me inside. What an utterly horrible thing to do. I know you say you two are trying and I think it's commendable to make an effort to repair a relationship in trouble, but this would kill it for me. You are his wife and it's disgusting that he treats you this way and it's appalling he feels this way about you.

Hi nonglam,

His indifference and disrespect at the airport towards you all is bad enough but this below is also very telling:-

"Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on".

Why are things so bad between you?. Are you really only together now because of the children or can the problems you have be talked through via Relate for instance?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Staying together for the sake of the children if this is really why you remain together now is rarely if ever a good idea.

What are you both teaching these young people about relationships; currently they are being taught damaging lessons by both of you.

He seems a bit immature - acting like a teenage who is embarrassed to be seen with his family 'cos you are too uncool and might want to hug him or something.

He needs a kick up the backside.

What a nasty vile man.
FWIW you sounded like you were dressed pretty 'cool' is you ask me and sound gorgeous.
Please tell us that you're not picking him up... in fact tell him you are then don't bother.. and switch your phone off.. ooh and change the locks!

I would say there are two options here and neither of them are nice. He is either embarassed by you (seemingly actually without any reason to be) or he's having an affair and has told his work colleagues you are no longer together.

Either way, this would be a huge issue if it was me.

'Barely said good bye, no hug' when he was off for a few weeks would pretty much guarantee he needed to ask a mate to kip on his couch when he got home - tbh.

I would be really hurt by that - he should be proud of you no matter what you look like. Your relationship sounds like it needs a lot of work (particularly on his part).

Agree that you should be thoroughly unavailable for pickup.

And look astonished when he arrives home ranting - Oh sorry darling - after your leaving performance I assumed that you wouldn't want to run the risk of being shown up again, it would never do to have your Important Colleagues see what a dreary, unprimped, non-trophy you've saddled yourself with.

PS - OP, if he acted all embarassed in front of his colleagues, unless they truly are arses, he will have been the one to look bad, honestly - as someone else put it, like a moody teenager embarassed to be seen with mum! idiot!!!

He sounds like the type who makes up stories about himself and his home life to colleagues, who inflates stories about himself - a tit, basically. If so, they'll all know it and probably laugh at him. Don't feel bad, except about being married to a total human flan.

And also, at some point when he gets home it might be an idea to inform him calmly that if he's going to make it clear that he doesn't think you worthy of taking a full role in his life, you'll eventually get to the point where you think the same of him. Then it's goodbye happy family time! Wow, now how embarassing would THAT be for him at work?

In answer to the OP, I would feel shit and think that my DH was embarrassed to be seen with me.

Is he spectacularly well-groomed himself? Very concerned with his image generally?

Is he just like this with colleagues, or friends and family too?

chipping has said what I was working up to, but I was going for a bit of preamble :(

What Tardly said.

Tardly you've made me more than once these last few days.