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Original poster

How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

270 replies

nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 11:38

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

OP posts:
Eurostar · 17/12/2011 00:52

self-entitled, putting you down, overly worried by need to impress. You putting up with it and feeling you are not entitled to better, that you should be left out.

Have your read the threads on here about husbands and mothers who are narcissistic? I think you will find a lot that rings bells - and I hope be inspired by those who got away from it.

..and no I am not suggesting personality disorder, just that he is displaying lack of care for you in a narcissistic way and, you may partly have accepted this because you learnt early on that you don't receive unconditional love and respect from those closest to you - such as your Mum.

Good luck with getting away, you cannot spend your life with a person who hides you - whatever it is due to - be it an affair, a second family or just pure nastiness that he is so weak he needs a fully made up plastic Barbie on his arm to feel he has some worth in this world.

Jux · 17/12/2011 02:47

Excellent line, Eurostar.

Nonglamorous (hope that's a NC for the purposes of this thread!) phone him and tell him that you're sorry he's "so weak he needs a fully made up plastic Barbie on his arm to feel he has some worth in this world" but that's just not good enough for you as you are not so weak that you need to put up with it.

Mind you, it's late, I can't sleep and I'm feeling more than usually unkind and unsympathetic towards people who are mean and spiteful towards people they're supposed to cherish. FFS, you're the mother of his children, he should be sooooooo proud of you and showing you off to all and sundry.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 17/12/2011 10:16

Actually his sister has suggested narcissism to be before in relation to him.

I feel quite sad today. I don't think I can be a very likeable person. I don't have many friends, as I've got older I have found it more difficult to make them and my older ones live elsewhere.

Thinking things through, our relationship has been non functioning for years and I have known this so why have I hung around? He never behaves as though he loved me or had care for me, gets angry when I am ill, doesn't really bother with occasions for me ie birthdays, anniversaries etc, mind you he doesn't really bother to observe anyone's occasions, moans about the expense especially at Christmas. He says he loves me but doesn't show it.

If I am ever sad about anything he purposely withholds comfort and will say "I'm not buying into it" as his reason. Even if it has nothing at all to do with him, ie my car got crashed into and was a write off, he always hated the car, said it was a heap, but I loved it and he almost seemed pleased it had happened, however he did spend hours on the phone sorting the insurance side of it out. It's all so confusing.

He is obsessed with money too, he judges me because I am a SAHM, even though I have to be as I am one of my children's carer. Tells me I am lazy and should stand on my own two feet.

Sorry this has turned into an essay.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 10:29

"Thinking things through, our relationship has been non functioning for years and I have known this so why have I hung around?".

Why indeed?. For the children?. Maybe you thought he would have some epiphany with regards to his appalling non caring behaviour towards you and change (with narcissists though this will never happen). The children should not be used as the glue that binds this mess together; this is totally unfair on them. You and the children deserve far better.

What are you both teaching them currently about relationships now?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons. If you were also to choose to stay with this man, your children won't as adults thank you for doing so and may well wonder of you why you put him before them.

bushymcbush · 17/12/2011 10:29

This doesnt sound like a relationship at all.

A partner comforts you when you're sad. The fact that he spent ages on the phone sorting out the insurance is probably more to do with his obsession with money than care of you.

A partner looks after you when you're ill.

A partner doesn't notice or care when you don't have makeup on. He loves you for you.

I'm so Sad for you. When is he due home? Are you going to tell him it's over?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 17/12/2011 10:40

Your last post is certainly blaring out "narcissistic prick" to me... I had the same experiences as you list with my abusive stbxh. It's a headfuck, isn't it?

But on to the more important issue: you. You ARE likable, OP! You are a unique and worthwhile individual who deserves love and respect. We all do, and you are no exception. Start believing it, and acting on that premise.

x

Original poster
nonglamorous · 17/12/2011 10:52

I have already told him in an email. I know that sounds awful but we have been here many times before and I don't think he will be surprised. What he WILL think is that I am not serious and it will blow over, I am pretty sure he is unhappy too. Maybe now he can go and find someone who ticks all the boxes.

She will need to be stunning and look that way ALL the time.
Earn her own money and lots of it and not need any of his, preferably she will be willing to give him all hers when he runs out.
She will need to put him and his needs and arrangements above her own and any children they might have
She can never need any support or comfort or compliments
If the live together she will need to know that Men Don't Do Housework as he is a Traditional Kind Of A Man

There's more too but I am sure that is enough to be going on with.

OP posts:
SilentNotViolentNight · 17/12/2011 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hillyhilly · 17/12/2011 11:07

She won't be happy though and I am pretty sure you will.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 17/12/2011 11:22

Yes I did but it's nothing I haven't said before. He's back in time for Christmas next week. He's said he will spend time with the kids but for me not to bother with Christmas dinner (that was always our thing as super fussy dc don't eat much). Fair enough.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 11:31

That list of what a new woman would need to do/be is spot on

If you don't want to be that woman (you missed off "turning a blind eye to the fact he is a prick", btw) then get shut of him

he sounds fucking horrible

tallwivglasses · 17/12/2011 11:38

I get the feeling you're going to be a whole lot happier once he's out the way looking for Miss Perfect.

And stop this nonsense about not being very likeable, you hear? This man has gradually eroded your confidence over the years. It's harder for all of us to make friends as we get older (and to keep old friendships alive when we're carers as well...)

fwiw I think you sound lovely Xmas Smile

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 11:38

Glamorous Fucking hell kiddo. I thought he was a giant knob from your first post, let alone the rest of it.

So - if you were to get a job and 'stand on your own two feet' who exactly does he think will look after his child with SN?

You should do what another poster did - let him know, very clearly from the outset, that you will be seeking 50/50 shared care of the children (she has a child with SN too - freaked the bastard out - but he's having to sort that out now as well). There's no reason that you have to be the one to sacrifice everything and not work or have a social life because you both have children.

I bet once you lose this wanker you suddenly find you have lots of friends and a great social life.

Please stick to your guns and don't waste anymore time with this shitbag.

Ask him where he wants some of his stuff dropped off to for his return to the UK, make it very clear he is not welcome back into your home at all and that things will have to be sorted permanently after Christmas, but for now he needs to kip somewhere else.

TimeForChristmasSpirit · 17/12/2011 11:54

Why should you not bother with Christmas dinner just because he says so? If this were me I would cook a delicious Christmas dinner for me and the kids and he can not bother with it!

Don't be a victim any longer! Be the strong, independent woman that you are and don't let this person dictate anything in your life any more, not what you do or how you should feel. Take charge of your own life from now on.

I got rid of one very much like yours almost two years ago and the relief is immense! One thing I do know is that men like this thrive on our misery, they love to see us sad. Don't give him the satisfaction. He doesn't deserve your tears, your heartache or a place in your life!

Laquitar · 17/12/2011 12:35

I agree with Time.

I would invite people around on xmas day. Family or friends with children, and have fun. Otherwise, i think the atmosphere will be awful Sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 12:49

Freeze your husband out on Xmas Day

Just like he's been doing to you, for years

NormaStanleyFletcher · 17/12/2011 13:07

Make sure you get evidence of earnings / savings if you can.

From what you describe he sounds like one of those who would try to avoid his
financial responsibilities.

You are going to be so much happier without him

HoudiniHissy · 17/12/2011 13:11

Jesus christ this prick has done a right smash and grab on this poor woman hasn't he.

Great advice here love, please give serious thought to separating. Get some legal advice on entitlements, etc. Then at least you know where you are and how things will be.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2011 14:13

Do you have to spend Christmas Day with him, in light of all that's going on now? Do you have family you can go to?

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2011 14:14

Can I just ask something? Before you had children, when you first met, did you earn more than he did?

Turkeyfanjo · 17/12/2011 14:26

I agree with what atillathemeerkat says. I feel a bit like that about my own parents, my mum always seemed to put her relationship with my dad above her relationships with myself and my two sisters, I do love them but dont feel any duty to them IYSWIM? I have a sort of 'leave them to it' attitude towards them both, I endured weekends of horrible arguments and my dads black moods as a child, I refuse to get involved as an adult.

If you want to have meaningful relationships with your children as they grow up, I urge you to sever ties with this man. I'm sure you a beautiful, lovely person, the number of friends you have is neither here nor there, it's so easy to become isolated once you have children, as in the saying, "men have friends, women have children". Look after yourself, find 'you' again, I'm sure she's hiding there somewhere! Xx

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 17/12/2011 14:26

In answer to your OP I would be devastated, hurt and angry. But most of all, I'd be shocked, because DH is a decent man and therefore wouldn't dream of saying something like that.

MamaLazarou · 17/12/2011 15:00

OP, I am so sorry that you have been treated this way and made to feel like you are not good enough. You deserve to be with someone who can't believe his luck, not someone who is ashamed of you.

HappyHubbie · 17/12/2011 16:12

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth Well, instead of sitting and chatting on MN, go and do your hair up, wear some sexy clothes and underwear and have a wash down there when he comes back. Dont look like a tramp but look sexy and attractive to him. How difficult can it be ? Dont you want to come across as desirable to your hubbie ?

Fucking hell TheTruth are you serious? That's wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.

You're not currently away on a business trip at the moment are you?

I really feel sorry for your poor wife Sad ... assuming she's real and not inflatable that is.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 16:19

< applauds HH >