How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

[nonglamorous]

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

He is living elsewhere already but fuming about it. My solicitor is resending petition from a couple of months ago. So it's all in hand really but he is so hard to ignore.

tell him he is not invited for xmas dinner

if he says "but you should do it for the dc" then say "I am no longer willing to expose the dc to your contempt of me"

and then employ the broken record technique

if he wants to see the children, he can take them elsewhere on xmas eve

xmas day the children should be allowed to play with their toys in their own house, uninterrupted by his toxic presence constantly undermining you

he needs to get used to being a McDonalds dad doesn't he ? It's what he wanted after all...

Sorry if this has been said already, but you do need to put some boundaries in place here so that he sees the kids at somewhere other than your home. You'd be protecting your kids much more if they didn't have to see their father treating you like dirt - and witnessing ugly scenes.

It's never too early to draw up contact arrangements, but separated partners should never be allowed to come and go as they please in eachother's homes. This will also help you to disengage, because it would mean apart from when he calls to collect the kids and bring them home, you wouldn't even have to see him.

Oh Nonglam please don't doubt yourself for a second. No decent man would treat you like this, especially in front of the children. He's not a decent man though, he's a piece of shit. He's going to make it difficult for you, and this is the start of it - trying to turn your own kids against you.

You cannot trust him to behave reasonably, even for the sake of the children, and so the only way you can stop him engineering situations like this is to avoid them. The house should be your space, and he has no business being there. It's yours and the kids home now, not his. He needs to stay out of the house, and see his kids at agreed times like other divorced dads. He won't like it but tough shit on him, he has caused this problem not you.

Get a solicitor, get him out of the house, arrange access and get some boundaries - right now. This man is toxic, to you and your children.

And please keep posting, we're here for you.

I'm sure he is glam, it's just hitting home now that you are standing up to him, that you mean business & that this time he has crossed the line.

AF is so right, your children will grow up with a much better view of the world if you get them away from this man & his toxic influence.

Try & not be around when he is there, if he HAS to be for the kids then go out, be polite & brief over arrangements to do with them.

Clarify all arrangements by email so he can't pretend you did/didn't say something. Distance yourself for your own sanity.

Glam it sounds as though his parents are as bad as he is. Do they know hes been cheating on you or do they not care.
(Wish i had your lovely sounding figure by the way.)

They know everything but his dad was unfaithful to his mum and they still stayed together. They think I am weak for not putting The Family first as This Is Just What Men Do. They have a very low opinion of me.

of course, rockape

off you run along now

you have a few posts to write to yourself on MumsnetSucks.com...it's looking a bit empty these days

Well thanks for that rockape. I know you are just dying for me to engage with you and try to defend myself but you know what? I have to do enough of that in RL so I hope you won't be offended if I completely ignore anything more you post .

what a chimp, eh ?

or is that offensive to monkeys....

I've been following this thread and just wanted to say: chin up, deep breath and do not engage.

AF gives great advice.

He will try and wind you up now all the time (e.g. the drink on the sofa, which of course he knew about). He will try emotional blackmail (e.g. spending xmas together). He will try every trick in the book.

The key thing to remember is this: if you start to feel confused about anything then a big red alert should go off in your brain and you should immediately disengage - any way you can.

It's not you that's confused. It's him messing with your head, trying to confuse you and make you reconsider.

You know with absolute clarity what you want and need to do. Write it down, stick it in your purse, read it every time you feel confused or your resolve weakening.

And get that nasty, nasty fucker right out of your life.

Good luck - please please don't believe the shit he's been feeding you.

you are right ,you must disengage.

The thing with the drink, I can see it is hard to not speak up but I'd try and say to yourself, what good will it do? He won't take responsbility, he won't get up and clear it up, he won't apologise so really it is best to ignore it. If you can bear a bit of mess and stains, I'd leave it too. He's always going to tell you that you are lazy and rubbish, whether you clear up his mess or not, so I'd say just leave it.

He also doesn't care enough about his DC to look after them properly nor to protect them from arguments. Sadly, you are the one left caring so please do not argue with him again in front of the children, it will upset and confuse them. As I said before, give it a few more years and he is likely to turn on them and be very blaming on them when they come to that stage where Daddy isn't always right so them seeing that one can be criticised by Dad and survive should be really helpful for them.

Is there anywhere you can keep a diary safe? Or a locked electronic one online? That way, with an incident like the spilt drink, you can vent on paper /screen (and a useful record of how he doesn't look after DC well if you need it for court) to help you disengage.

Actually Glam it seems that Rockape is being very thoughtful for you. If you can stand up to that that is the first stage in ridding yourself and your DCs of a toxic H. As for his family that is hardly surprising as people do not usually become toxic by themselves. The environment he was raised in and way he believes makes him think he pisses champagne, farts perfume and that you should eat his shit and call it chocolate. When you see how ridiculous this is you can get a glimps of his World and see the gap between that and reality.

You are doing well and I hope you are looking forward to this Christmas.

Nonglam, keep going. You are doing so well. He should not be in the house, and certainly not reclining on the sofa playing some game while he's meant to be watching the kids, failing to 'notice' spilt drinks (my arse).

Can you invite family round for Xmas so that you've got others there? Can someone be around for handovers of children?

It probably looks like an immense mountain in front of you, but you have done the hardest part already. The rest will get easier. Keep your chin up, you have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to look forward to.

glamorous, please get along to The Freedom Programme at your earliest possible convenience. It will help you to get your head straight and to recognise all his tricks, which will help you to not respond when he presses your buttons: knowledge is power . He has played you for a very long time and it is no wonder that, even though you have fundamentally changed your opinion of him, he is still able to dig where it hurts/undermines/annoys/frightens/confuses/devastates. The Freedom Programme is a very well written and researched set of exercises, one each week (12 in all), which looks in detail at the behaviour of men like your husband. Have a look to see where your nearest FP course is (strict confidentiality at the groups btw). I can't recommend it highly enough - they really know their stuff. DO NOT let your husband know you are going and don't let him see any of the material. (sorry to sound so hush-hush but you're gearing up to save your life here and I know what it is like).

I have been in your position. Some of the details of your relationship are uncannily like mine. imo my ex was NPD. A book that really helped me to get my head straight: Men Who Hate Women, And Women Who Love Them. I can't remember the name of the author but it was an enormous help to me. imo your/my husband enjoy torturing us, get a kick out of hurting us and bringing us down. sick isn't it? one thing I would say: be extra on your guard to not feel sorry for him. I don't know if your husband has a childhood sob-story (or an ex sob-story.. or just a plain sob-story for sob-story's sake) which hooked you in to feeling sorry for him? Not all do but it is a common characteristic of abusive controllers. I am wary of people saying upthread that he is unhappy too - imo he is not - but he will use his 'unhappiness' to hook you in. DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM - at any stage, ever .

Another excellent book is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. If you read this stuff, do the FP etc, it will go a long way to dispelling all the confusion and headfuckness about what your husband truly believes. Your husband is sick and extremely toxic, as are his family.

You are marvellous. It has been a joy to follow you through this thread. I've been there, as have so many others. You can't believe you put up with it so long eh - don't beat yourself up though! their techniques are extremely sophisticated and deadly.

Keep posting - we're all here, all behind you all the way.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

btw sorry about all the urgent caps and underlines (above) . I still get a bit wobbly about it all sometimes when I hear similar stories to mine.

I think you have had some excellent advice and support, and a couple of highly questionable pieces of input so haven't much to add - except that I hope it all goes smoothly over Christmas and you don't have too much of a fight on your hands with your stbexH playing up.

He does sound fairly unpleasant, tbh - I am 9y older than my DH and he would never dream of behaving the way yours has (and I don't do make up on a daily basis, and have put on more weight than I'm happy with). The only thing he does say sometimes to me is "you're so much prettier when you smile" - which is actually not as bad as it sounds as he only every says it when I've been in a grump for a time (sometimes more than a day) and he's a bit fed up of me looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp (my words, not his).

Ignore any attempts to character assassinate you, btw. It may be that you do have to move out of "his" house but since you have the DC, maybe not. The solicitor will be able to advise you of your rights in this matter - but since you married, the house became a joint asset so don't be too sure that you will be the one who has to leave. And I also suggest you stay there - because when my first fiancé did the dirty on me, I stayed in the house (joint names but financially his) and refused to leave until I had somewhere to go - which he had to help me with in terms of a deposit. If I had left, I would have got nothing from him - he needed me out of the house so he had to pay to facilitate it.

And I also agree with the person who said chances are your low number of friends may be because of your H - people are sometimes uncomfortable around couples where they can feel/see that there is an imbalance of respect/love etc., even if they don't know why. My number of friends increased markedly when I split from my first fiancé as lots of people confessed that they really didn't like him but hadn't wanted to tell me!

Well so much for "not much to add" - hope it's been a bit helpful and best of luck over the next few days.

Yes, that sense of entitlement these wicked men show is utterly astounding. My exH felt that our family money was 'his' as it was an inheritance, so he took the lot when he did a bunk. He even took his own daughters (aged 9 and 11 at the time) savings were his. So he withdrew all those as well - 8 thousand quid.

And his mother clearly agreed with her perfect son - as she said to me airily afterwards 'well the money was his.' Sick families like these breed sick children. Not that they can, or will ever, ever acknowledge or understand that. They feel no shame. ExH's clan honestly believe that I somehow personally made exH get on the plane that took him to bangland .

This attitude does make you question your own sanity and it takes a long time to really accept that it is not your fault... But boy, does Mumsnet help you see that more quickly than if you didn't have the support of the many experienced women hammering home the message in unison on here!

Remain disengaged as far as possible with your shit of an H. I agree 100% with AF - get the Divorce going asap. And do NOT let him spend a minute of time in your house over Christmas. God, what a horrible thought. He may try to turn your DC against you...but there is nothing you can do except always reinforce how much you love them. And laugh a lot with them. Make jokes, smile, play games, if you have to talk about stbex or they ask questions, maybe say 'oh daddy is just being a bit silly at the moment' with a smile.

Since my exH ran away, I have made a monumental effort to be always laughing and happy with my boy. We tell jokes, play games, I do a thousand voices for all his toys and many inanimate objects. And everyone says what a happy little boy he is. I honestly think that being happy and jolly around them (even if you're hurting like hell inside to start with - this will wear off believe me) helps them feel secure and loved and relaxed and cope with it better.

And if dad is a miserable git around them, whereas you are sunny and jolly, well, they won 't appreciate his gloom and temper will they.

Go girl. You are doing so well.

HOpe you're ok today glamorous? I hope you're not beating yourself up and expecting to be expert at withstanding his fiendishly subtle manipulations? You can't perfect it in a day, or two, or a week. It is common for women to leave repeatedly until they can fully pull it off. If you want to keep him sweet to get through christmas, secretly knowing what is in your heart and mind, then you haven't lost. He can never take away from you what is in your heart, don't think you have to win every battle. xx

Hi, I only joined this site yesterday ( came over from netmums...don't all jump on me at once! ) but I have read through this whole post and just want to say I think you are doing wonderful!
I hope you have a lovely Xmas without a complete waste of space :-)

What's wrong with netmums that made you sign up? {really nosey emoticon} Apologies to op for asking on your thread

Um...have you been on it?
Just got tired of having to mince my words, constantly apologise for having an opinion and saying well done for seeking help for any member admitting they whack their children, use drugs are having an affair...
The list goes on :-)

ah, 999 I think you have found your spiritual home m'dear

Mumsnet is a spectacularly intolerant place for those kinds of shenanigans, and that's just how I like it

welcome to mumsnet

hope you are ok today, OP

I think springy's idea about accessing the Freedom Programme is genius