How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

[nonglamorous]

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

Well, I just refer you to my first post, change the fucking locks x

OP - your lack of friends, as has been said, probably has a lot to do with people thinking, it would be good to see Ng but can we put up with that shallow, annoying husband of hers who puts us down and is a male version of Hyacinth Bucket? You may well have got out of the habit of keeping up friendships but it just takes practice - can't see from anything that you have posted why I wouldn't want to be your friend, except perhaps finding it painful to see you being put down by a cruel husband.

No wonder he was off like a shot to sort the insurance, was probably terrified you'd get the old banger fixed and he'd lose his chance to get rid of something that wasn't flashy and showing the neighbours how he is considerably richer than them.

I'm no fan of separation, but there is a real danger with this man that he will start to pick on the DCs as they grow out of being all adoring to Daddy and he could really damage their self-esteem in the future.

He always earned more than me but my wage was pretty good. It went wrong almost as soon as first dc was born. Massive row about us having a joint account and he would "take" me shopping but I never really had any access to cash, we had a massive row and that resolved that but he always resented it and I had a set amount to take out of the bank each week. Family finances were not discussed.

I am done now, haven't thought of much else today but I know it's the finish. I have told him and he sounds like he agrees but we have done this many times before, so he probably thinks its the same this time but it isn't, I won't get over this.

Thanks for all your lovely supportive responses with the one notable exception .

He sounds like my friends husband he never introduces his wife to his work mates as she's fat (his words not mine), says the children behave like brats (they do because he spilt them), and that her family are common! He also is embarassed by their house so they have moved, and he says they have no money (do I lent her my last £5 for milk and bread) only for him to spend £££ on himself!

Men like this need to learn that life isn't all about them, and I'd you loved your wife you would never treat them like that makes me so mad and

I applaud your decision

well done xx

OP your H is a selfish emotionally abusive,financially abusive fuckwit. You will be a lot happier without him and so i suspect will the kids.

Well its done. Just received a very cold and rather piss taking email in response to mine. Telling me he is happy with this decision, denying he was embarassed by me but I don't believe him, he knows he was a shit and doesn't want to admit it, thats all, same old, same old. Telling me he was not bothered about Christmas Dinner etc as "Christmas is for Kids". He always says this btw because he knows I love it and I think he wants to make me feel like a twat for that.

I don't want to engage but I did anyway, I addressed all his inaccurate comments in his email. I don't know why I am bothering as I know from past experience he will only ever see things the way that HE wants to and he will just white wash out MY reality. His is the only one that counts you see.

I actually think he really is happy, but there has always been a lot of "Push Me, Pull Me" between us iyswim? When I have said I was unhappy before and asked him to leave, he has always gone so easily, whistling even, with a big smile on his face, which makes me feel so shit because obviously I still loved him. I am not sure how he is going to react now, when it is going to become apparent that this time its done. I know it, I feel different. I feel really angry and distasteful towards him, I think this time away on the business trip has helped me see things more clearly.

Sorry to ramble on but it really helps. Any tips for disengaging and not responding to the totally unfair and crappy accusations and opinons of me that are coming my way and started already in todays email would be gratefully received.

Any time you react you will be hoping, deep down, that his response will be different, that he will say sorry and acknowledge how badly he has treated you. That just isn't going to happen. The more you push for the response you want, the more hurt and upset you're going to become. Don't do it to yourself. I know it's incredibly hard to keep schtum and let things slide, but try to see it as protecting yourself, as keeping yourself from another terrible disappointment. You need to sit yourself down and try to convince yourself to accept that he is a horrible person who just won't give you the love and care you know you deserve. That'll take time, of course, and you may slip up now and again so don't be too hard on yourself. But, just think, if you can walk away from this with dignity and show him that his embarrassment should be saved for his own sorry ass then that will be some sort of victory for you.

Good luck :)

Keep posting love

What a shit he is

he will have a script he is following

He will give you the cold shoulder at first, expecting you to ru after him saying you don't mean it, please come back

when you don't do that, he will get angry and make threats to discredit you and take the children

then he will tell you that you are ugly and will never find another man

no-one else will put up with you because you are crazy etc

then when all that is getting him nowhere, he will turn on the charm...make empty promises (like he always has), give you the world, make you feel guilty for splitting up the family

he will stop taking care of himself, look disheveled, tell you that his mental health is suffering etc

blah blah blah

watch him with a cool eye

be canny

you know the score, and stay on MN as well as talking to people in RL who are not invested in forcing you back together xx

What AF said.

I know it's hard not to reply, but honestly, it will get you where you want to be much more quickly .

Engaging feeds him and you need to starve him.

If it wasn't for the kids I'd say block his email, but you really can't.

Just sit on your hands and do not reply.

This is favourite often posted on here about how to detach etc.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I think he clearly has a problem.

the problem is that he is an arse

what an arse, fancy saying dont do xmas dinner - what an absolute BORE!!!!!! i know you say you dont have many friends but start branching out because you need to stop this man from bringing you down on a regular basis. YOU DESERVE SOOOO MUCH MORE. and as for him not introducing you ... what a flaming cheek! he sounds very insecure about himself! take care x

Please make sure that you protect yourself financially. As I said upthread get proof of income and savings.

Well he is back tomorrow. He has not responded to my last email, which I am actually happy about, feel a bit calmer and as though things are out there now. He doesn't want to do Christmas with me at all but does with the dc, fair enough. I don't care that much except for the fact that he is doing this to make it a rubbish Christmas for me, he knows that I love it, just being spiteful but in fact him doing that and showing such petty spite is making me even more resolved. He has somewhere else to stay, so after he goes I will cook my own bloody Christmas dinner. Then I will be going to see my parents the day after boxing day.

I don't actually think this is the end of it though, he always does this, ie the couldn't give a shit thing and that normally is enough to get me back in line, I used to be so, so hurt when he did that, not this time.

This is what I keep thinking to myself:

He is embarrassed by me
He believes he can do better
He thinks I am stupid and lazy and a " money grabber@ (he really, really does btw, tells me often and very patronising at times)
He used to tell me he would never compliment me as it would make me arrogant
He will not allow me to be equal financially
He has been unfaithful to me more than once, did not mention it before in here as wanted the OP to stand alone

I just don't want any more arguments, I just want this to be it, he says that too but it's all been said before and we always end up back in " discussions" and I feel trapped by it all again. I have to remain disengaged this time, it has to end.

Please don't wait for him to go re: cooking a Christmas dinner.
Have it roasting in the oven from the early morning onwards, fill your house with the joy of Christmas that will be filling the houses of those around you.
You don't have to put Christmas on hold for the miserable, dictating git.
Make this the first of many full-on Christmases and show him that you don't care what he wants, what he thinks, that you are a person who is passionate about things, like Christmas, and fck him for ruining your joy of life so far.

How are you making sure it will end, love

Tell us what practical steps you are taking

Post them here, and firm your resolve even more

btw, I am not in the least surprised he has cheated on you too

this type of self-centred and entitled behaviour goes hand in hand with a hatred of women

I am really sorry you got entangled in his fucked-up sphere

you can get out of it though

you can

Thing is if I do that he will hang around, smirking and making little comments and acting like all is normal and then if I keep saying "no" to him having dinner, then I will be cast as the selfish drama queen. Can you tell how many times we have been here before? In H's world all this kind of thing, not talking, being separated etc only goes on as long as he wants it to and then it's time for me to fall back in line and all that has been said and done by him, means nothing and I am ridiculous and immature for keeping it all going on. Does anyone know what I mean? It's crazy making behaviour it really is.

I do know what you mean.

Which tells me you have to go for formal separation. Consult a solicitor and take their advice. Make it official. Anything less will be seen as further sport for him.

Really

You need to start the official channels.

If you are not prepared to do that...then here you will be facing Christmas 2012 in the same fucked up scenario

Well practically speaking:

I have brought no presents for him, have never done this before, I know it seems minor but it's a big thing for me.

I already have separate finances, the CB etc are paid to me, have full awareness of entitlement due to separation before.

I won't talk to him about anything apart from kids.

Not sure what else I can do really until after Christmas. I am not hurting hardly at all, just the odd moment and then i feel bloody furious remembering what he has said, I dislike him him for what he has done to me and I think I have for a long time but didn't realise iyswim? I was trying so hard to keep it together for the kids sake that I didn't think properly about my own feelings towards him. I feel quite shocked actually as though I hadn't realised what was going on even though I was right in the middle of it iyswim?

I have already phoned the solicitor I used last time, he is resending the paperwork.

AF you do not know how accurate you are when you say I could still be in the same fucked up situation next Christmas as the Christmas has in the main been just awful as far as he and I are concerned, last year was good but before that, some pretty horrible times were has and every year I would say I won't be here this time next year. Well I am not wasting anymore time, I gave it my all. It's funny what finally tips you over edge though.

what do you mean "you can't do anything else until after xmas" ?

am not with you

I wouldn't have this man within 50 yards of me

send him elsewhere with your dc when he wants to see them (I doubt he will, unless it is to do a show -off "wonderful father" act in front of rellies)

why give him a stage ?

you don't have to spend any time in his dubious company at all

well, we cross posted

but i stand by what I say

why the inaction ?

xmas isn't until Dec 25th

it is only Dec 18th

Jeeze he is absolutely vile and yes I know exactly what you mean and its really hard not to be upset by it.
Is he going to be there christmas day and then go? If so, can you be out for the best part of the day and then do your super brilliant all the trimmings christmas with the dc when the fuckwit buggers off? That's what I'd try and do.

And in all dealings with him, make them as brief as possible, DO NOT ENGAGE!!!, and be super happy mum with the dc like you are sooooo glad to be rid of the waste of oxygenthat he is. Trust me, it will really piss him off.
PS you're doing great xx