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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

270 replies

nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 11:38

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

OP posts:
tigermoll · 16/12/2011 12:25

I don't want to sound too doom-laden, but the 'I was embarrassed to be seen with you' sounds like a smokescreen. It's cruel and horrible, and has made you feel rubbish about yourself, but it has also made you think 'is this my fault he's so distant?' which is clearly what it was designed to do. It, very effectively, has caused you to focus entirely on yourself as the cause of problems between you two, - 'if only I'd made more of an effort, he would have been nicer to me' etc.

There is far, far more to it than him thinking you looked scruffy, I'd put money on it. I'm not saying he's having an affair at work, or anything dodgy like that, but he is excluding you from his life, and then, crucially, making you feel that this is somehow because you how you are, not how he is. Don't let him make you the problem.

Sloobreeus · 16/12/2011 12:29

Arrive at the airport dressed to kill or better still hire a saucy costume (I know, I know - if you have the energy) and as soon as you get home ask him when he is going to change into something more suitable. Suggest he throws out that shirt/suit/jumper or ask him when he is going to revamp his entire wardrobe. Ask him if he would like you to use the tweezers on all those little grey hairs he seems to be sprouting. Put him in front of a window and tell him all those little wrinkles are quite sweet, really. Invite your friends round and ask him to sit upstairs.

stubbornstains · 16/12/2011 12:39

Rehearse the line: "Do you realise what your colleague would have thought of you when he saw you treating your wife like that?"

Neatly throws the focus back onto HIS behaviour.

fuzzynavel · 16/12/2011 12:42

I'm with tigermoll on this Sad

ljgibbs · 16/12/2011 12:48

He's a knob.
Tell him to find somewhere else to live when he returns.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 12:51

I won't be going to the airport that's for sure. To be honest I have been thinking a lot while he was away and I am not sure there is much left to work on with him Sad. I was gutted when he said it today but at the same time I am able to see that it isn't ME. It's him, he must be so shallow. It would not occur to me to feel embarrassed about introducing him to anyone I know if we happened to run into them. I don't think it is sustainable to be with someone who feels like this. I feel quite clinical about it really. It's a no brainer isn't it?

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 16/12/2011 12:56

He 's a knob. Angry You sound fine and even if you weren't looking your best, so what? He should be proud of you twat

sheeplikessleep · 16/12/2011 12:59

OP you are worth more. Either he bucks his ideas up and makes you feel amazing and special or you have to really think about what you are getting from this relationship. This sort of attitude over time will really erode your confidence (if it hasn't already) and no one deserves to be treated like that. He sounds like is 12 years old, not a grown man.
Good luck.

ToniSoprano · 16/12/2011 13:00

Good for you Non-g ! Sounds like you've decided what to do, a shame but as you have said about him.... Shallow shallow shallow.
What a git. I bet he ends up regretting his stupid rudeness as you sound like quite a catch with your trendy gear and streaked hair!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 16/12/2011 13:02

Don't pick him up. Get over dressed and go out upon his return.

EveryDayImShuffling · 16/12/2011 13:03

Have you thought of moving house while he's away?? ;)

Conflugenglugen · 16/12/2011 13:03

nonglam - it's a no brainer imo, yes. My soon-to-be-ex-DH was like this. One day I just snapped - realised that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. It was a dance we had been doing; we both brought out the worst in each other. I'm not saying that's the case with you at all, but when a lack of respect enters a relationship - worse, contempt - then it is very difficult to change it.

It's great that you realise it's him and not you. My feeling is, though, that if you tolerate it for much longer, you might start believing him.

sheeplikessleep · 16/12/2011 13:04

And who in their right mind gets dressed up to drop someone off at the airport? FFS, it's not like you were at a black tie event!

ShatnersBassoon · 16/12/2011 13:05

He sounds like an utter dick with a very high opinion of himself if he thinks his work colleague would give a shit that you wore casual clothes for an airport drop-off.

He needs a good shaking. And possibly a few nights fending for himself out of the family home. What an arsehole.

fuzzynavel · 16/12/2011 13:07

Hope this is the straw that brakes his the camels back OP.

Onwards and upwards

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 13:10

He does have this way of making you feel that he is right and you are totally unreasonable though. It is as though if he feels something, then there is a reason for that and it is YOUR fault iyswim? He is not just feeling this himself, you MADE him feel that way. Eg he would never apologise for this, I know this already, its MY fault for not making the effort and thats that.

God he is such a fucking arsehole!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 16/12/2011 13:10
Shock

When i was reading i thought you will say that he was embarrased because of the fuss (my mum is melodramatic at the airports and i get some Hmm looks from the staff).

How would i feel? Not hurt tbh. Sad and Very dissapointed for realising that i'm married to a shallow man. I cant stand shallow people. I would lose any love or respect imediately and the question wouldn't be how he finds me but whether i can stay with a man i pity. Thats what it would be hard.

Conflugenglugen · 16/12/2011 13:14

"He does have this way of making you feel that he is right and you are totally unreasonable though. It is as though if he feels something, then there is a reason for that and it is YOUR fault iyswim?"

As I wrote, nonglam, "if you tolerate it for much longer, you might start believing him." I could have written your OP. I started believing him - that it was all my fault. It was damaging to the extreme.

Question: have you had a similar experience in the past - say, with your family?

Laquitar · 16/12/2011 13:16

I meant to add that it is not something it can change.
You can make him stop verbalising it but you cant change his way of thinking and his character Sad

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 13:19

Um well I have been left out of family gatherings and things like that. Actually both me and my sister have always felt that we werent quite the daughters our Mother would have liked. We have a cousin who my Mum always seemed to manage to have more of a mother/daughter relationship with than with us. My sister is totally disengaged but I told my Mum off in no uncertain terms about five years ago and things have been much better since.

I am text book aren't I? Grin

Do you know what though [conflug] I actually think I have bypassed the feeling it is my fault thing, I suppose deep down its still there but I don't actually care, I have reached resignation that I can't actually do anything about people feeling like that and its futile to try. I did spend a lot of unhappy years feeling crap though. I had my kids and adore them and they me and that seemed to repair a lot of the damage.

I think I need therapy Hmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 13:20

conflug that was supposed to be bold but ended up as brackets, not sure how.

OP posts:
Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 13:21

I was so gutted when he said it today but now feel light hearted and a bit like well thats that then, almost a relief iyswim?

OP posts:
sheeplikessleep · 16/12/2011 13:24

pls take the 'non' off the beginning of your nn op, makes me worry that the shit your oh drivels on is affecting your self confidence

Conflugenglugen · 16/12/2011 13:25

Then you're in a better place than I was, nonglam - good for you! :) Yes, having your own family can be healing (though not all the time, just in case anyone thinks I'm generalising).

I'll never diss good therapy; when you find the right therapist for you, it holds the potential for healing. It can, at the very least, help you to identify patterns held from childhood, and which are continuing to play out in your present life.

sheeplikessleep · 16/12/2011 13:26

apologies if my last post was a little harsh