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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel if your DH said this to you?

270 replies

nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 11:38

Took H to the airport for a business trip a few weeks ago so dc could say goodbye to him at airport. When we got there he seemed edgy and anxious to brush me off, we had come all the way but he wanted us to leave him in the car park rather than actually come and wave him off. Kids wanted to go with him so I said we would come all the way in, he clearly was not happy. As we entered the terminal we saw a work colleague of his, H introduced us but couldn't get away quick enough, barely looked at me when he said goodbye, no hug.

Background, things are not good between us anyway and havent been for a long time but we keep trying for dc and do have some laughs and good times still, certainly I thought there was something there to keep working on.

Anyway he has been gone for a couple of weeks I was very hurt by his attitude at the airport and havent spoken to him much but when we did I was normal. Today I mentioned that I thought he had been embarassed by me at the airport and he said "well you should have put some make up and done your hair". Now firstly I didnt know I would be meeting a work colleague of his and I was hardly a scruffbag, had jeans, converse and a Berghause fleece (new) not old and nasty one and my hair is nicely horribly expensively highlighted, although in a pony tail that day and I basically looked like I do on a day to day basis. I just feel gutted, I really do, he is clearly still annoyed by it two weeks later, angry with me for not making an "effort" or maybe more angry that I brought it up, but his explanation was certainly angry iyswim.

So basically he was trying to avoid me meeting his work colleague and was so embarrassed when I did that he couldn't even say goodbye to me. Btw I am five years older than him and have occasionally felt in the past that this is a bit of a problem, have been excluded from meeting certain friends and days out etc where a couple would be expected to go.

So what do you think?

OP posts:
Conflugenglugen · 16/12/2011 13:26

I felt a huge amount of relief when I realised that I couldn't change my DH. I stopped trying.

tigermoll · 16/12/2011 13:30

I bet, even if you were always groomed to within an inch of your life, he would just find something else to complain about. Maybe the amount of time you spent getting ready.

It sounds like this isn't just a one-off, - that this is how he always treats you, as you say 'I know this already'.

He is not just feeling this himself, you MADE him feel that way.

I hatehatehate it when people make you responsible for how they're feeling, - as if that was the greatest crime in the world. My OH had a bit of a habit of doing that in the beginning, - there was a phase where any argument would quickly descend into him saying 'do you realise how hurtful that is to me/how it makes me feel to know I've let you down/how sad it makes me that you don't trust me' or his classic 'you have no idea how difficult it is for me to see you so upset!'

MrsJRM · 16/12/2011 13:43

What is his relationship like with his own family, did he introduce you to them early on in the relationship? It may be his own lack of confidence that causes him to behave like that.

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 13:46

It's actually a really positive thing that you feel relieved, it means you've finally realised that you don't have to try to please this horrible man any more.

Do you feel like you want to end the marriage?

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 16/12/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 13:56

Well to be honest I suppose I did used to scrub up quite well, always wore make up, blow dried hair etc so I don't think he had a problem early on, he introduced me to friends and family very quickly, but as time went on, especially when I was pregnant during which I put on masses of weight but lost it all afterwards, that was when I started being left out, even in front of his family he would avoid being affectionate with me etc. I can categorically say he was NOT like this the first year of two. I haven't changed THAT much, I weigh less than I did when I met him, I just don't wear make up every day now.

Maybe he feels cheated! I didn't live up to my early promise, but seeing as he barely lifted a finger when the dc were babies (better now) I sort of had more important things to do with my time than put in make up and blow dry my hair etc. I have always maintained the basics though, hair colour, cut etc. what I mean is I am not scruffy and nothing to be embarrassed by imo.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 16/12/2011 14:04

I honestly think that as long as someone is clean, odour free and relatively neat then their partner has no right to comment. Your DH should love and respect you for who you are, regardless of what you look like. I am beyond scruffy by my DH always tells me how beautiful I am and always seems proud of me when introducing me to other people. The sort of shallowness your DH is displaying is really horrible IMO.

stubbornstains · 16/12/2011 14:06

It's not about your looks. I'd be willing to bet my bottom dollar on that. Most likely, he picked up on your insecurities about your appearance, especially when pregnant, and is using that as a stick to beat you with.

Oh, HOW MANY threads like this contain the line "He first started to behave differently when I was pregnant" or similar? Sad

TheOriginalFAB · 16/12/2011 14:13

I was convinced he was meeting an OW at the airport. He has been very mean. It hurts.

HappyHubbie · 16/12/2011 14:16

What a horrible, thoughtless thing for him to do. Normally I don't agree when MN collectively screams "Leave the bastard" for every minor infringement (it's easy to say leave when it's someone else's life you're talking about) but if this is an indication of how he feels about you then there's nothing left to save. You seem lovely, I'm sure you deserve better.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 14:35

Maybe there were going to be other work colleagues there and he was worried about running into them too. Actually this has been going on for years really looking back. There are two annual events in his home town, that are most definitely couple/family events. His mates would always take their girlfriends, wives, kids etc, I have never been once in the 10 years we have been together. I suppose I just accepted it and adjusted my expectations accordingly.

OP posts:
Eglu · 16/12/2011 14:48

What an arse. How dare he leave you ou, very shallow indeed.

Doha · 16/12/2011 17:56

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship, he seems to have been embarassed to be seen with you for some time.

Don't dare pick him up from the airport, let him find his own way home, change the locks. Let him stay with his workmates that he thinks so much of.
You would be better off on your own witht he DC's than having your self esteem chipped away like this. this is not a healthy relationship.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 16/12/2011 18:18

Well, instead of sitting and chatting on MN, go and do your hair up, wear some sexy clothes and underwear and have a wash down there when he comes back. Dont look like a tramp but look sexy and attractive to him. How difficult can it be ? Dont you want to come across as desirable to your hubbie ?

ninjasquirrel · 16/12/2011 18:23

Er, parallel universe or what?

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 19:16

Are you my ex thetruth? Grin He has been known to snoop around on MN.

OP posts:
BumgrapesofWrath · 16/12/2011 19:58

I don't wish to sound blunt, but this has "affair" written all over it...

Heleninahandcart · 16/12/2011 20:05

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth go and do your hair up, wear some sexy clothes and underwear and have a wash down there when he comes back. Dont look like a tramp but look sexy and attractive to him. How difficult can it be ?

Bet you say that to all the girls you smoothy Hmm

ImperialBlether · 16/12/2011 20:35

He sounds absolutely bloody horrible, OP. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Did he ever say why he didn't take you to those events you mentioned? Some must have been before you had children, yet he went alone.

When I first read your OP, I thought he was meeting someone else at the airport. Are you sure it was only that other guy who was going? When you said he didn't hug you goodbye, my heart sank as I thought he didn't want someone in particular to see him being affectionate with you.

I am divorced and can tell you that although it has its problems (financial in particular) it's a massive weight off my shoulders to think I'm not going to be treated like that.

maleview70 · 16/12/2011 22:08

I am sorry to say this but he might not love you anymore and maybe not even like you. It sounds like he makes an effort for the kids sake.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 22:17

I think you are right and think this has been the case for quite a while. Believe it or not knowing that makes things easier.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 16/12/2011 22:23

If you feel that too then it really is time to pull the plug on it and make a new life for you and your children. Nobody should live like this but as you read every day on here, plenty do.

Original poster
nonglamorous · 16/12/2011 22:35

No I won't live like this but it won't be easy, he is a very awkward and entitled man when things don't go his way.

I can't actually believe I have been putting up with it for so long but it was never that overt tbh, he always denied that he was ashamed or embarrassed, today was the first time he has ever come right out and said it. It's actually really easy to close your eyes to it strangely enough.

OP posts:
nailak · 16/12/2011 22:44

I think you should talk to him, ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Tell him you want a marriage in which you are valued for more then just your looks, but your personality, intelligence, dedication, your work as a mother. And if he can't give you this then you will have to seriously think about the future.

Jux · 16/12/2011 22:57

Tackle him over the phone and then tell him not to bother coming home.

Sorry this has happened to you, but you don't exactly need him, do you? You'll be better off without.