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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

163 replies

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:16

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/12/2011 11:17

I would recommend reading Shirley Glass's Not Just friends.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:36

I just feel very beat up about this and am finding it difficult to be 'nice' to her. We are going for counselling next week but I don't know how to help her to get over this John character.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/12/2011 12:04

I can understand how you must be feeling - the book will really help with your thought processes and help you both look at how you can recover from this.

She also has a website.

Good luck.

bobblesmama · 15/12/2011 13:31

I gave up reading the last thread as it was so long but what is your wife saying about her feelings about 'John'? Does she need help in getting over him?

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 15:39

I think she needs help about not him the person so much as what he does or might represent: higher self-esteem, flattery, attention, fun, life-before-motherhood - the sort of things I think she feels - rightly or wrongly - that she doesn't get from me. My dilemma here I suppose is whether it is better for me to be 'right' (ie: to feel hurt and angry and to let her know that) or 'kind-so-we-can-be-happy-together' (ie: try to give her what she feels is lacking). My fear with the first is that it will drive her away and propel her back to either John or someone like him; and with the latter that she will lose respect for me and regard me as something of a doormat.

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MaryPoppinsMagic · 15/12/2011 15:47

I've not looked at your other thread as I'm on my phone whilst mopping dd's snotty nose for the millionth time.

Am I right in making the assumption your dw has been 'sexting'? So texting sexual messages?

MaryPoppinsMagic · 15/12/2011 15:47

I've not looked at your other thread as I'm on my phone whilst mopping dd's snotty nose for the millionth time.

Am I right in making the assumption your dw has been 'sexting'? So texting sexual messages?

RJRabbit · 15/12/2011 15:59

I don't think that you should act in any way that isn't representative of how you really feel. The only thing that's going to make this better is time, I believe.

She must respect you for putting a stop to it, and in time, if she doesn't already, will feel horribly ashamed of herself. You've had the balls to fight for her and that's exactly what she needed you to do.

I doubt she had any intentions of taking it further in reality, it was as you suspect, an exciting thing to have someone thinking of her and wanting her and actually telling her so constantly. You are safety and "the known"; he was danger and a different life which is exciting.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I really respect how you've handled it.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 16:02

MaryPoppinsMagic, yes.

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underbeneathsies · 15/12/2011 16:15

Maybe when your DW is over her post natal depression and you are feeling better in yourself, and are fitter and healthier, you'll look back on this fantasy life she has for herself with john, as the cement that binds you together in your marriage. Or not. And that's why the counselling will help.

Only you and your DW have the answers to your questions Jack, no one here has them for you.
Good luck

MunchkinsMumof2 · 15/12/2011 16:22

I was in a similar situation to your wife's (not sexual / sexting but emotional affair) and have come out the other side of it with a healthier and happier relationship. I think we both got a fright that another man could come between us and my dh forgave me and I have nothing but respect and gratitude to him for that.
I think the key to this for you is to talk to your dw and find out what is attracting her to John and is it symptomatic of failings in your marriage or is it her self-esteem / confidence causing her to look elsewhere to meet her needs? Communication is vital and coming at this as a previous guilty party, I hope you can forgive her and move on if that's what is best for you both.

SinicalSanta · 15/12/2011 16:26

you've given yourself an either/or, but it's probably both really.
there is no point in 'picking one' that isn't your authentic feeliing. However over time the kind feelings should be getting stronger if your relationship is to continue.

the counselling will hep

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 16:34

I suspect that it is the latter.

OP posts:

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 16:35

Sorry, CP with SynicalSanta - yes, I am feeling both right now.

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MaryPoppinsMagic · 15/12/2011 18:58

jack I've just had a read of your other thread, I will tell you my opinion and what I would do in your situation.

Imo- any kind of emotional involvement on a sexual level with any other person that isn't your partner is cheating, in this case it is texting and yes in your position I would consider it cheating

Also behind the texting there is the lies, the deceit and the broken trust, the lies and trust issues are bigger than the actual action (texting) as you can forgive the texts being sent as a mistake however the lies of 'it won't happen again' thus followed by you finding the deceit has continued much further onto a sexual level. Me personally would not be able to live with this.

op if you were a woman on here posting the story about you husband I feel there would be a big band of mumsnetters on here telling you to 'leave the bastard'

What she is doing to you is emotional abuse, she is walking all over you but I think you know that. If it were me the trust being gone would last with me forever and it would destroy the relationship even when the forgiveness is there, the element of doubt would always remain..

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions;

could you truly trust her again? Never feel the need to check her phone? Never wonder where she is? Or if she is lying?

These things are hard to get back in a relationship.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 20:24

Dead right. I jump every time I hear her phone beep and I do check it every chance I get, so, no, I certainly don't trust her right now. How can I? It's going to take time I guess for me - us - to get over this.

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MaryPoppinsMagic · 15/12/2011 20:37

I don't doubt that if you both want it to work then it can, I speak from experience my dp told me in August he no longer loves me, we lived apart for a while and went to relate we are now back living together and happier than before, however

It is always in the back of mind, the paranoia that at any second he could take it all away again like he did before so I know what you mean about it being there always.

Let me tell you something else, about 5 years ago I was in a very abusive relationship (not current dp) he cheated on me and I discovered all the truth through his phone and his emails and to this very day I am very un-trusting where mobiles and especially facebook are concerned I know my dp would never cheat yet that small amount of trust I've never been able to give to anyone since the abusive ex.

If you can find a way to let go you must do it so its totally gone, as it will effect your future if you can't fully let it go.

You also need to be sure your 'd'w wants to stay together for the right reasons; get her to prove to you and tell you why this time she won't do it again, don't give her the answers and most of all don't show her she will get away with whatever she likes - women can be abusers too not just men, infact even speaking as a woman I believe females can be more deceptive than men in some cases

Original poster

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 20:57

I want it to work because - mug as I may sound - I do still love her (we do have IMO a pretty good relationship believe it or not!) and, because I would hate to wreck my kids' lives by splitting up.

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DT398 · 15/12/2011 21:35

Jack,

I read (most) of the other thread too and I am sorry for your troubles.

4 years ago I had an identical (and I mean identical) situation to yours and even though I don't know how YOU feel, I can still remember how I felt and it wasn't a good feeling.

No kids involved but the whole thing started out with another guy paying the GF some attention and this escalated into texting/sexting whatever you want to call it. Confrontation with GF over it resulted in her saying it was nothing and she could see my side of it and it was pretty unreasonable and it would stop but made out that the "crime" of checking up on her was somehow worse than the fact that she was doing it at all. We agreed to go to counselling to try and sort out our (11 year) relationship but my strong view (with 20:20 hindsight) was that she had already decided she was going to go off and have a physical relationship with the other guy, which is exactly what she did. I moved out. Four months later she got in touch to say that she had made a big mistake and blah blah blah. I'd moved on by then and that was that. Still, it was pretty traumatic and there were some parallels with where you are now:

You pretty innocently discovered some inappropriate texting and when you confronted her, YOU feel sht for checking her phone. I say Scrw that. I have never had an issue with my partner looking at my phone or email and why should I? There's nothing to hide, right?

You are now feeling desperate to make it right by being overly attentive, buying gifts etc, to "hold it all together". My experience was that made it worse...

You still have that hideous, gut wrenching feeling that she hasn't stopped and there's something still going on and you "need" to know what she's up to, right?

You feel like she somehow has the upper hand or the power because she has "an alternative". Well, you know what? That alternative will turn out to be crap and she will regret it.

You are going to counselling. That might help but in the end people will do what they are going to do and counselling might provide some guidance but in the end we are all masters of our own destiny.

I still remember the horrible feeling of "not wanting to be on my own", but you know what? It's not that bad. In fact, after a couple of months, it was pretty good and the relief of not caring any more what she was up to was massive. I know it's more complicated with kids but still...

If you haven't had anough advice already, mine would be this: Get your head up and look to the longer term. Not easy when you are feeling like you do right now but the only way is forward. What do YOU want? To be in a relationship with someone who you can never quite trust? To be the best dad in the world to your kids regardless of whether you are married to their mum or not? And STILL be the best dad in the world to your children regardless of who you might meet and have a family with in the future? To be with your wife regardless of what she has done? What would you do if you get over this one and it happens again? Don't ever confuse leaving your wife with leaving your children. They are not connected. You can still be a great dad without living with their mother. It's impossible to know exactly what goes on in your closest friends' relationships never mind strangers on the internet, so I might be way off, so sorry if I am! I hope you can work it out so you are all happy in the end........Good luck.

DT398 · 15/12/2011 21:40

Sorry, I posted all that above before I read your latest post! You will NOT wreck your kids' lives by splitting up with yor wife. It's 100% within your power not to do that. Really.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 09:40

Thanks for that rather bleak assessment! I hope it's not as bad as that.

You're right about the mobile access: I'd have no qualms about DW checking mine as I have nothing to hide. I totally HATE secrets (unless they're related to birthdays/ Christmas).

Feel very low today. This thing has a very strange pathology, emotionally. I don't want to be seen to 'reward' her for her infidelity yet am aware that there is the need to make her feel special, wanted, desirable, etc and I really don't know how to juggle those seemingly contradictory requirements

OP posts:

DT398 · 16/12/2011 10:14

It's hard to know what else to say, as unfortunately, it's your mess to sort out but I wasn't trying to give you a "bleak" assessment (even though it's a bleak situation, right?), just trying to make you see that you can shape the outcome the way you want it to be. From what I have read, you haven't done anything wrong and somehow taking "blame" for not making her feel special/loved/attended to or whatever is just nonsense. She could, at anytime, have said "Jack, some things are not working for me here and I need you to do some things differently", or would that have been just too easy?

And don't discount the possibility that more has actually gone on than she has told you about. Why would you believe that it's purely been restricted to texting? Because that's what she's told you? In my experience the first few councelling sessions will tell you a lot. Not just about how you feel but how things are going to turn out. If she embraces the whole thing and engages with the sessions, that's a good sign. If you just get a bitter outpouring of everything that's wrong with your marriage, that's not so good. And don't think that deleting his contact will stop her (if she wanted to). She will have memorised the number.

All I am saying is get prepared (someone has already said that in the other thread).

I would also ask her the following, in a calm way obviously - clear the room of all soft furnishings first

Does she realise that even though "John" might be making her feel special and loved and wanted, in fact most likely HE just wants quick shag or two? After which he will disappear and leave you and her to pick up the wreckage. How does she feel about that?

Also, if John is so great, how come she isn't marrried to him and bringing up his children right now? Something must have gone wrong between them at some point. What was that? That he didn't make her feeel "special" enough and she ditched him for someone else? Something else?

Sorry if you feel like it's a bit of a bleak assessment but it seems to be a bad situation but as a lot of people have said, the best thing you can do is to decide what YOU want out of your realtionship. If that fits with what she wants, then you have a chance.

fiventhree · 16/12/2011 10:20

I think your best chance of getting her to stop is to get tough about it. Tell her to stop, or its over.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 10:29

I have (see other thread); I've said if it happens again, that's it. Dealbreaker. No ifs, no buts, no excuses.

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ilovemyteddy · 16/12/2011 10:31

Jack - I think that maybe the way to make her feel special etc is to make it clear to her that you want to save the marriage because of how much you love her.

BUT she has to put the work in in terms of regaining your trust, because she is the one who has precipitated this situation by her repeated breaches of your trust. She should be telling you how sorry she is, and looking at ways to reassure you.

"You also need to be sure your 'd'w wants to stay together for the right reasons; get her to prove to you and tell you why this time she won't do it again, don't give her the answers and most of all don't show her she will get away with whatever she likes - women can be abusers too not just men, infact even speaking as a woman I believe females can be more deceptive than men in some cases." Marypoppins is so right here.

DT398s posts are a bit of a reality check for you, Jack. But I think he's right - you do have to look to the longer term here. This is the third time that you have caught DW sexting, and maybe she has already emotionally checked out of your marriage. Counselling will give you some guidance as to how to proceed from here, but be prepared for the fact that your marriage may not be able to be fixed.

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