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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

163 replies

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:16

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 17:28

Thank you! Someone has flung me a bit of hope.

OP posts:
newgirl · 22/12/2011 18:06

Good! Now are you a runner? Sports? Get out and do some exercise to burn up some anger and boost your endorphins.

AgathaCrusty · 22/12/2011 18:38

I think it is solvable too. I just think that both parties have to really want to solve it.

misty0 · 22/12/2011 18:40

Oh bless you Jack, of course there's hope.

That's why we're all here wracking our brains on how to help you do the right thing to get back on track y'lemon Grin

If there was no hope i'm sure you'd have heard alot more 'no hope' messages. Its good to hear about you venting, because, as has been said, it shows her you care enough to get mad. Also it must reinforce your sense of pride.

I think taking up a physical hobby or pass time is a good idea. Excersise does improve your mind set, and it gets you out of the house for something other than work.

misty0 · 22/12/2011 18:52

It was only last night after she had a go at me that I let rip at her too and it damaged both of us emotionally. We've both been licking our wounds over the ensuing 24 hours.

Maybe this is not damaging. Maybe it needed doing? You've been thinking about what she said. She will be thinking about what you said.

Can i, out of interest, ask you to give me an instant gut reaction to a question? Here it is ....

Can you forget and forgive and put all this behind you?

The other thing i wanted to ask you is - did you say you wouldnt stand for it again when she did the sexting last time?

mynewpassion · 22/12/2011 19:06

newgirl you aren't alone is saying that they can rebuild their relationship but it is going to take time and both of their commitment. We are being realistic here. This is the third time, he's caught her sexting.

Its not like they didn't realize that something was wrong with their marriage after the first sexting incident. Jack has said that since the first incident, he has made more of an effort to do spend more time as a couple and to give her the attention that the sexting gave her. He was trying but she kept sexting away. I am sorry but its not going to work if one spouse is not making an effort.

Jack, I know this weekend will be hard for you all. Try to get through it for the sake of the kids. Make a pact to aside your anger and hurt and discussion on sexting for a few days so that it will not spoil the Christmas joy for your kids. Afterwards, try to make some concrete plans about how to go about making your marriage better and stronger.

This might not be the best idea as it will be very hurtful with some home truths but maybe write out what are the good things you like about each other/marriage and what things that you would to change in each other/marriage. From there, work out a plan for each of you. Every three months or so, sit down and review it again.

I know it sounds analytical but its a step forward.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 23/12/2011 08:58

Thanks. Misty0, the answers to your two questions are yes and no. On the last occasion I said I didn't want any more texting and DW said she wouldn't but I didn't make it clear, as I have now, that it would be a dealbreaker if she did.

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Original poster
JackMatthias · 23/12/2011 09:03

To those of you asking about making my feelings of anger etc clear to her, I have now done this several times in the last 10 days and I am wary of ramming this home with her too much; as dear old Bill would say through Portia, be careful about spilling blood when extracting your pound of flesh. ..

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Kermit02 · 25/12/2011 23:44

Dear jack I really feel for you I discovered that my husband of 15 years had been sexting someone too. I too stumbled upon the messages accidentally and we have two children.

It is awful the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returns even now that I am writing this post. For me it's the emotional betrayal and the loss

Kermit02 · 25/12/2011 23:45

Of trust how can this be rebuilt.

Kermit02 · 25/12/2011 23:50

All of the messages on this thread are giving very good advice it's difficult to get your head round it especially when children are involved but you do have to think about what you want too.

We too have considered counselling but I am reluctant to do so as I would not want to go through this pain ever again, I had been very clear on the subject of extramarital relationships from the beginning of our relationship. Even as you say that your dw says that something was lacking from your relationship what action did she take to address the issue? How much respect and consideration does she have for you and your family ? She has been reckless

Original poster
JackMatthias · 27/12/2011 19:54

It comes and goes - the feeling of betrayal that is. I guess it will get better with time. I haven't addressed some of the feelings of neglect and my 'emotional absence' that she had and had hinted about in the past to the extent I should have and this is something I am going to have to work on.

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Original poster
JackMatthias · 27/12/2011 20:21

What hurts the most ATM is her phone bills showing around 60 texts per month to him over the last 6 months or so (including three photos which she says were just of her with the kids (so he should have known even better to fucking stop it, the bastard), plus ones sent to him when I was in asleep) when the most she managed to me was 15 in one month Sad. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I have pointed these lovely stats out to her and she has apologised (again). Still fucking hurts though...

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Zombi · 27/12/2011 22:35

I think if it was me that it would be very hard for me to feel the same way about my husband. I would still love him with all my heart- that's not a tap I can just turn off - but the trust would be gone and I'd seriously have to wonder if love was enough.

I don't think you will be able to get over it just by wanting to. Anger and grief (and you WILL be greiving for your relationship even if it's not over because it HAS changed) need time to abate and only time will tell if you can ever get over it at all.

All the best.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 28/12/2011 16:48

I'm grieving for the relationship I thought we had. It feels like a lie now.

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misty0 · 28/12/2011 17:23

To some extent it was a lie.

Maybe you're asking too much of yourself to get over this while trying to hold it all together at the same time. You still sound wounded Sad - not stronger yet.

Do you feel like you and your DW are about equal in the wanting the relationship to work at the moment?

How was xmas? Are things lightening up between you at all?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 28/12/2011 18:53

I think we both want it to work. Christmas was OK - we are both talking but I have this urge to blurt out how I feel from time to time about the sexting and ask questions, to which I do occasionally succumb. She takes it, and repeats that she is sorry, and answers by questions when I have them. I just feel bad that I am continually beating on her for it.

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misty0 · 28/12/2011 22:23

Goodness me Jack. I'm sure she doesnt enjoy your questions but you have to be able to ask them! Its natural. And they will stop eventually, you just have to get them out of your system at the moment.

Tell her this - tell her the questioning will end but its something you feel is helping and that you appreciate its unpleasant. Warn her there will be more yet for a while.

You must also be able to bare your feelings. You have an absolute right to air your feelings to her. Even if its a bit squirmy for her to hear about them.

(i still think she should consider herself lucky)

Its such early days. Hang in there. Dont feel bad.

Zombi · 29/12/2011 14:02

My friend cheated on his wife 3 years ago. She found messages on msn messenger between them talking salaciously about the night that they'd had together. They had 2 yound DCs together so she agreed to work on it.

My friend was very sorry and hasn't cheated since. HHe's close to me and would have me if he had. He speaks to me often about their life and troubles. He says that he did it because she was emotionally distant and selfish.

It still comes up between them during fights and I've seen her posting things about it on Facebook pages that she doesn't know I use as well (if a friend comments on a page that you're both members on then FB notifies you.)

He is becomming very frustrated with her inability to move on from it, even if it's a very infrequent thing that she brings it up. He's actually threatened to leave her over it recently. I honestly don't know what the future holds for their relationship but, given that she's not got out of the habits that compelled him to cheat in the first place and is bringing up the cheating, I'm not holding out much hope. It seems like they're flogging a dead horse.

I'm not condoning his cheating. Just telling it from his perspective.

stargazy · 29/12/2011 15:22

hi jack.have't pasted in ages but been following thread.Wishing you all the best and feel for you so much.Almost two years on from finding out of blue my DH was texting/then sexting just before discovery someone he'd met thro work(they also got in habit of meeting almost every lunchtime to chat) and had been for several months.Things are good now - not that we had a bad relationship before which was why it came as such a shock.But tbh honest happy as I am mostly I'm a changed person.'More cynical(or realistic?) and less trusting and as a result that makes me sad at times.But time does help.The way I felt before is slowly comimg back.
My DH was willing to do whatever it took to repair damage and win back my love and trust.We went to counselling - at his initiation - although I still sometimes feel that was more about trying to make me feel better than discovering what had made him vulnerable.But if after all the effort we both put he had repeated any similar sort of behaviour that would have been the end for me.It wasn't even a physical affair- although still felt a massive betrayal.Think it was the length of time it went on for and the normality of our lives and his behaviour at home that made it seem so devious.
I really hope you can recover and move on.I'm glad we hung in there even though at at least twice we nearly separated.Just take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.And ask as many questions as you need to.The very least your DW should do is answer them.Its very early days yet.All the best.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 29/12/2011 18:06

Thanks. Have now discovered it's been going on for over three years. DW is very apologetic every chance she gets, has thanked me for staying with her.

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misty0 · 29/12/2011 18:11

What, sexting this same bloke has been going on for 3 years?

Doha · 29/12/2011 18:12

I bet she has thanked you for staying with her she probably can't believe her luck.
I am sorry Jack but l think there is more story to come out.
How you can bear to look at her is beyond me. 3 bloody years Shock

i think if this was a wife talking about her husband the advice you have been given would be different.
3 years bloody unbelievable.
I wish you lots of luck coz you will need it.

Zombi · 29/12/2011 19:14

3 years of that would be a deal breaker for me. How putrid.

misty0 · 29/12/2011 20:16

Ah, ok, i think i see ... over 3 years.

Originally you thought it began 3 years ago, after your youngest DC was born, but with gaps when you confronted her, yes?

Jack what's been happening then?