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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

163 replies

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:16

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 21/12/2011 21:57

She really laid into me verbally today, essentially blaming me for not paying attention to her, not caring for her.

Feel really really low and fear I'm losing her.

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MostlyFine · 22/12/2011 07:34

Jack remember that, though she is clearly the one in the wrong, she is obviously having issues too and these will come boiling over - this means that what she said isn't necessarily meant but could be just reactionary.

That being said, it certainly doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for how she feels at this stage.

I think you both need to communicate more with each other (sans shouting if that's possible). If you both want to save your relationship you have to be wary of falling into the passive aggressive trap of 'not dealing' with each other because your emotionally drained. This will lead to further festering resentment and more arguments.

I hope this all comes to a quick resolution for you either way and that you find happiness again (with or without her)

devilsadvocaat · 22/12/2011 07:48

:( I'm so sorry I have nothing to add. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. I threw DH out last night. I'm so sick of him thinking he's done nothing wrong.

Your DW seems to have the upper hand at the moment, you must feel helpless.

Hope you get a lot out of counselling x x x

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 08:49

I think it's her PND and tiredness in part talking. I guess I'll have to 'carry' her for a bit...

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AgathaCrusty · 22/12/2011 09:15

Jack - I have been lurking from the start on this and your other thread. You're in a horrible situation, and to be honest, I can't see it improving in the short term. Your wife, no matter what she says, doesn't want to take responsibility for her behaviour, and you are too scared of the consequences to make a stand (understandably).

Is your wife a selfish woman in other areas of her/your life/lives? Because to me, she appears to be wallowing in self-pity and a bit me, me, me. I accept that she has depression, but that is no excuse for playing these stupid games in the name of making herself feel better and with the result of making you feel 100% worse.

I understand that you don't want to split up over this, but is there any way that either of you (preferably her) could move out for a short amount of time (maybe a couple of weeks?) to bring her to her senses? Perhaps she could stay with friends or relatives? I really think she needs something like that to make her understand just what she is on the edge of losing.

Charbon · 22/12/2011 10:21

Does she fear losing you Jack?

Might it not be PND or tiredness and instead anger that you've spoilt her fantasy affair?

Do you think she loves and respects you?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 12:51

I think it's also anger towards me that she's felt she's 'needed' (ha!) this outlet because of what I haven't been giving her over the years. We did talk further this morning and she said she recognises she needs to change too, that she doesn't want us to split up, that she recognises I have legitimate grievances against her but she just can't psychologically handle them ATM

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Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 14:51

AgathaCrusty, no, I wouldn't in any way describe her as selfish; if anything, she 'gives' more in the relationship than I do and 'gives' more to our DCs too than I do.

I don't particularly want to do the trial separation thing, particularly not at this time of year and also because of the effect it will have on our DCs and also the effect (terminal?) it may have on our marriage. I recognise also that I have to 'play the man' here and swallow hard at least for the moment until she's more compus mentis to hear what I have to say (although she has heard from me where I'm at several times now since the latest round of sexting came to light so she can be in no doubt about that). I've expressed my approach to her in terms of a 'double integrity' ie: being bloody pissed off with her but also trying to carry her in her depression, or 'love' her whilst not particularly 'liking' her ATM.

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Charbon · 22/12/2011 15:23

What does she 'give' you Jack?

Sexual desire, respect, attention? A genuine personal interest in what makes you tick?

Have you felt cherished and loved?

Try to rationalise what it is that you think your wife gives more of to your own personal relationship; not the one with the children or the house.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:31

Lots of cuddles, for a start Smile; she gives far more of these than I do. Lots of understanding too - again far more than I show the other way. But apart from that, a lot of her energy does go into running the home and caring for the DCs.

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Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:32

She also recognises that I work jolly hard to bring money in to the house, and respects me for that - although not as much as I would like - respects me for trying hard and also for being a good dad to our 2 DCs.

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EdgeofGlory · 22/12/2011 15:36

I've read quite a lot of this thread Jack and I empathise with you fully. My DH was doing the email/text thing and I found out - it was devastating and for me just as bad as the real thing. It was all about his ego and the excitement of logging on/texting.

AgathaCrusty · 22/12/2011 15:38

Jack - I didn't so much mean a 'trial separation', I think more just some space apart, to maybe start to appreciate more what she has and what she potentially has to lose. To make her realise what it might be like without her cosy safety net (you), if she doesn't take this a bit more seriously.

I'm probably being too hard on her, but it just strikes me that if she wanted to make your relationship better, she would try to do just that, no matter what state of mind she is in.

I have a relative who has had depression on and off all of her life. Now, I'm not saying that she makes it up, or that she doesn't feel genuinly bad because I know that at times she does. But - I've seen her 'snap out of it' in the space of a day when something comes along to distract her. It seems to me that a person who is genuinely depressed to the tune that they can't seem to work at a marriage that they themselves have put in jeopardy, would struggle to find the energy and motivation to be sexting someone outside of their marriage. I don't say that totally in ignorance, by the way. I have worked extensively with people with mental health issues, including PND and depression.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:43

I think the sexting was akin to an addiction for her - it gave her a high that - temporarily at least - lifted her out of her depression, same as alcohol or another drug might someone else. Heck, here was a man who told her she was sexy, appreciated her, made her feel good about herself, desirable - all the things her DH should have been doing but wasn't. Please note, I am not making excuses for her; none of the above excuses what's she's done but it does perhaps go at least some way towards explaining it; and the reasons behind it are what I to an extent do need to address/ help her to address herself.

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EdgeofGlory · 22/12/2011 15:50

Jack, when your wife is feeling better and her depression lifts, will you trust her or will you look through her phone and second guess things?

Charbon · 22/12/2011 15:53

Cuddles, understanding, some respect for your work and respect for your fathering skills. Does that fulfil all your personal relationship needs from your wife Jack?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 15:59

I know she loves me. I'm not sure that her depression enables her to give much more. We both drain each other emotionally when we are depressed, which we both are more often than not these days.

AgathaCrusty, based on what she said yesterday, I'm not sure that she thinks (right now at least) that she has that much!

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Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 16:00

EdgeofGlory, I honestly don't know yet how I will be when that time comes.

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AgathaCrusty · 22/12/2011 16:40

We both drain each other emotionally when we are depressed, which we both are more often than not these days. - this is a very sad and telling sentence, Jack. Really, you should be each others rock, your relationship should be the bright area in your lives.

Have you had individual counselling, both of you, to try to work out what might be at the root of your individual depressions?

KnickersOnOnesHead · 22/12/2011 16:43

I have not read all of either threads, sorry.

My now exp was sexting, also had an emotional affair with someone he met online. I couldn't trust him after that. And by god, did I try. But every text he got, every time he got his phone out of his pocket, or when he stayed downstairs after I'd gone to bed made me feel so on edge.

The trust never came back.

Abitwobblynow · 22/12/2011 16:50

Jack: feel the emotions you feel. FURIOUS should be one of them. She has violated your bond (if you wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, it's cheating - Dr Phil).

Fury also tells her how much you value her. As well as a big boundary.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 16:56

Fury ATM may be too much for her.

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misty0 · 22/12/2011 17:04

So many of us get the feeling that some sort of anger expression is missing. I've said it too.

Yet you have said you did show anger at the outset havn't you?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 22/12/2011 17:12

Yes I did: I made it quite clear that if she ever did that again she would be out the door so quickly her arse wouldn't touch the ground. I was quite cold and controlled when I said it; only later did I fling some cushions round and yell; she wasn't physically present then but was upstairs but I'm pretty sure she knew what I was doing downstairs.

I've also told her on several occasions since that I feel very angry with her, again without shouting. It was only last night after she had a go at me that I let rip at her too and it damaged both of us emotionally. We've both been licking our wounds over the ensuing 24 hours.

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newgirl · 22/12/2011 17:16

When does the counselling start?

Am I the only one on here who thinks this is all solvable? It sounds from what you have said that there is still a lot of love between you. Tiredness, change in lifestyle, energy, pnd etc these are all piled against the two of you. If you can hold it together through counselling, forgiveness, rest etc you could both be absolutely fine in a few months. Please try to forgive and also find time to do things that make you happy - walks together, a day out or whatever - time to rebond. Sex is a bonus but fraught with weight at the mo, so if that doesn't happen it doesnt mean she doesnt love you - she sounds knackered and going through a roller coaster. Ive been there and we are both glad it all worked out I promise you.