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Original poster

How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

163 replies

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:16

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 29/12/2011 23:05

It's been on and off over that time, yes. The first time I discovered it was after DC#2 was born but it had been happening before that ie when pregnant with DC#2. She says the majority of texts were innocuous and there were long gaps between 'outbreaks' as it were.

OP posts:
misty0 · 30/12/2011 20:35

Has finding that out made a great difference to how you feel about things? I suppose if you're already trying to come to terms with all thats gone over such a long while then another few months of it may not necessarily bother you too much. Or it may be much more significant for you than that.

Did she volunteer this info in the name of honesty? This would be a good thing IMO. Or did you have to find it out somehow?

It sounds like you're keeping communications going at least, so thats encouraging.

Councelling soon isnt it?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 30/12/2011 21:11

Yes. I don't know about how I feel about it in terms of quality on quantity - my feelings even about what I know change from day to day anyway.

Still coming to terms with it, I guess...

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 31/12/2011 13:29

Feel really depressed today and that I can't go on. I need to escape but wherever I go my feelings will come too. Only alcohol - temporary - or death - permanent - will alleviate this I fear

OP posts:
misty0 · 31/12/2011 14:26

I'm going to PM you Jack.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 01/01/2012 23:06

Thanks, esp to those who have PMed me. Still feel shit today and have lost hope. Think she wants out of the marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 01/01/2012 23:53

Have just checked her mobile account and she has been at it again! Dear God, can't take any more of this!

OP posts:
Charbon · 01/01/2012 23:57

Oh Jack, so sorry to read this.

Time to let her go, but please stay and be a father to your children, who need you more than you need your wife.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 00:05

3 texts, one on Christmas Day, would you believe it!

OP posts:
Charbon · 02/01/2012 00:08

What are you going to do Jack? Does she know you've found this out?

Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 00:15

No. I have texted 'John' though to let him know I know they've been in touch. She wanted to get an early night and I have respected that. Will pm you more details.

OP posts:
Charbon · 02/01/2012 00:18

Ok.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 00:23

I want her to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 00:24

'John' has replied to say that she texted him to wish him Merry Christmas and he responded in kind and then deleted the text; that he doesn't have her number to keep texting but did say it was for the best that they stopped contact. Says he's not sent any more and he won't be.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 00:43

I've thanked 'John' for his candour but said that I'm not sure that we can now get over this.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 02/01/2012 01:09

Jack I can't really believe that 'John' has kept up the exchange of texts for 3 years if they haven't at least met up occasionally. There's more to this - two people who've had a relationship in the past don't send eachother sexy texts for 3 years without doing something about it.

mynewpassion · 02/01/2012 02:36

Jack: I am sorry but I think you have just about come to the end of the road. If she's maintaining contact, then she doesn't want that to end. Until she's willing to end it, she's unwilling to give your marriage the attention it requires.

Its better to have two happy but separated parents then one angry and resentful household.

Be strong for you and your children. They will need you to become a better and stronger father.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 08:18

Am I blowing out of proportion wishing someone Merry Christmas though?

'John' now wants to speak to me on the phone! This is getting weird, like a total mind fuck.

OP posts:
Neuroticnatty · 02/01/2012 08:35

Why are you putting up with this?
I hate to say it but I think she's in live with this other dude.
Get rid, you're putting yourself through all of this for someone who's not even trying to change.

ilovemyteddy · 02/01/2012 08:56

Jack - you posted on 16th Dec that if this happened again it was a dealbreaker, no ifs no buts. It's happened again. If you keep moving your boundaries she will keep doing it. She has no respect for you, your DC or your life together. You don't need to have a man-to-man chat with John. It's DW who has caused this crisis in your marriage.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/01/2012 08:57

Has Not Just Friends arrived yet? There is a section about ambivalence.

Sorry to hear your wife is still not committed to saving her marriage Sad

Original poster
JackMatthias · 02/01/2012 09:55

Could it be this much-vaunted 'closure' thingy? I appreciate I'm clutching at straws here

OP posts:
Doha · 02/01/2012 10:11

John you DW initiated contact with John despite saying she would delete all contact. I don't think she had ever any ontention of stopping longterm.
It would appear she really doesn't want to save your marriage otherwise she would be bending over backwards to reassure you.
I think any discussion with John is pointless, any further discussion with youe wife is pointless.
This is a dealbreaker

Neuroticnatty · 02/01/2012 10:58

No not closure, she can't do it. She can't have no contact with him.
What does that tell you?
She obviously has quite strong deep feelings for him.
It's over.
This will continue forever as she doesn't respect you enough to stop.

ilovemyteddy · 02/01/2012 11:56

Closure is this mythical thing where both parties in a relationship (adulterous or otherwise) have a mutual conversation where they agree to end their relationship, agree that it was fun whilst it lasted but that, for whatever reason, it now has to finish. Both parties go off into the sunset happy that they have finished it on an equal footing.

REAL closure IMHO and IME is when a person admits to themself that their (adulterous or otherwise) relationship is wrong for THEM and for the people that they love, and that it needs to end.

Speaking as an ex-OW, and trying to see this from your DWs POV I think that part of her continuing to text John is because SHE hasn't made the choice to end it - your discovery of her sexting did that. It's like dieting or giving up smoking - people can tell you that it's bad to smoke or to be overweight but you have to WANT to give up smoking/eat more healthily.

I'm not condoning AT ALL what she is doing, but I have walked a mile in her shoes and can see where she is coming from. The problem is that she has to WANT to stop, and your hurt and anger is not having any effect on her.

I think her problem is as much a lack of respect for herself as it is for you, even though from what you have posted it seems otherwise. I know what it feels like to hate yourself so much that you will put at risk and push away the people that love you most. I'm putting this as a counter argument to the 'lack of respect for you' argument but am not sure where I'm going with it!