How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

[JackMatthias]

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

ilovemyteddy has a point. You did say that if she texted John again, the marriage is over. Were you serious about your ultimatum? It was a test, a benchmark about how serious she was about being committed to fixing the marriage.

The text itself was innocuous but you said that she texted him 3 times since your ultimatum. If one was just to wish him a Merry Christmas, what were the other two?

Its not about finding closure of her sexting affair, Jack, that is at stake here. Its about the seriousness of her intent on your marriage.

RE: John wanting to talk to you. Could she have texted him again and that's why he wants to talk?

It might hurt to talk to John but it might also clear up alot of the confusion in your mind about your marriage. If you do talk to him, bear in mind that you will not like everything you hear and you might be more hurtful afterwards but at least you get to hear the other side of the story.

Jack [[http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html
this is what she needs to do]]

There are things I can't fully share here but suffice it to say that I am now satisfied about the texts and the reasons for them. DW and I are working on a reconciliation.

Until the next time she is caught

Good luck Jack you are going to need it.

Jack I would urge you to read Fortyplus's link upthread. Particularly chapter 1 about how infidelity often starts. There is a lot of useful stuff about emotional needs not being met in the primary relationship. Although some of his assumptions made me go there was a lot that I agreed with from my own personal experience.

I wish you luck.

I don't understand this at all Jack.

You said that if there was ANY MORE CONTACT with John, that would be the end. Now there has been contact - for whatever reason, it's irrelevant, imo - and still you are trying to work it out.

If she wanted your marriage to work, like she said, and she was so grateful to you for staying with her, like she said, she WOULDN'T HAVE RISKED IT. Not at all.

Sorry.

Well Jack, i wish you the very best of luck, of course.

Obviously you know whats been occuring and we dont - so we only have a limited ability to make any helpful remarks.

I think people here are just finding it hard to read about you struggling to keep your relationship alive and kicking, taking all the knocks on the chin and sinking slowly into despair, without getting frustrated on your behalf.

Good luck, Jack. I am wishing you the best and hope you guys can recover.

Thanks, all. I do understand where you're coming from, but I am committed to my marriage and to making it work if that can be done; if I kicked it into touch at this point I would always be left wondering 'what if?' and whether I had given it my best shot. I see that I am referring to 'the marriage' rather than 'DW' here and ATM, strange as it may sound, I think I have more belief in it than I do in her. Does that make any kind of sense?

Sorry for double-post but, despite the emphasis on the marriage above, I do still love her too; I don't like what she's done, of course - I hate it - but I do love her.

Somebody on a thread here recently talked about 'tipping points'.

Cant remember who it was or which thread (dont think it was this one) but it was about infidelity and lots of posters were ranting and raving about 'deal breakers' and pride and principals and how they wouldnt stand for whatever it was. Then someone pointed out that everyones tipping point is different.

The important thing is that it is actually there. Everyone should have a point at which they say 'ok, thats it for me' and get themselves out before they are destroyed by the situation. I'm just hoping thats applies to you Jack, and you do have an idea of how much you will give and bend and forgive in future should things not be all plain sailing.

Time will tell if your DW is serious about cutting contact with John and treating you with respect and love from now on. Its what we all hope of course. Just have some sort of mental life jacket ready - yes? A tipping point sorted out.

Guess I haven't reached mine yet, then, although have come close in the last few weeks. I hope for obvious reasons that time won't tell what mine is, but I suspect it will be as and when my staying in the relationship will be more destructive to me and our DCs than my leaving.

FTR, I have ended a previous marriage for continued infidelity so am capable of doing that. Didn't have any DCs then, mind.