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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get over sexting unfaithfulness?

163 replies

JackMatthias · 15/12/2011 11:16

This flows out of the thread I started here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359455--to-treat-DWs-sexting-as-infidelity , where we are talking about the rights and wrongs of sexting. I'm starting this new thread here under advice, basically after further advice about 'where do we go from here?'

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 10:37

She's attanged the counselling. Hope that's a good sign!

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Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 10:38

"Arranged" even!

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Charbon · 16/12/2011 10:38

Jack the reason you're feeling these conflicting desires is very simple.

You want to make her feel desired and special because you want to compete with John.

It's a very common and human reaction to this situation, but it's false and it won't help your esteem or her respect for you. The feelings of wanting to punish and hurt back are 'truer' because in any other situation, if someone has betrayed your trust this is how you would feel. At the moment your wife is not sorry, because she is still justifying her behaviour and putting the blame on you. That's also a pretty typical and human response, especially for people who have trouble with being in the wrong and taking responsibility for their behaviour.

Don't reward that though. It is okay to say you are hurt and that you respect her less for her actions. In turn she needs to accept that there are no excuses.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 10:47

I think she is sorry. She has apologised and is grateful to me for not kicking her and the marriage into the long grass. I am frighteningly angry with her and very upset too - at least half the nights this week I've waited till she's asleep and then come downstairs and cried my eyes out, I'm sorry to say (not very 'manly', is it?); I can hold it in check most of the time but have to let it out in a safe environment from time to time otherwise I'll just explode. But I also recognise that her conduct hasn't arisen in a vacuum and that there are needs she has which I'm clearly not meeting and that I have to address those - not out of a desire to compete with John but rather out of a desire to try and put right what is wrong. The trouble is how to do that without appearing to reward her behaviour - the last thing I want to happen is for her to think "all I have to do to get my DH to up his game a bit is to engage in a bit of flirting to make him pay more attention to me." How the hell to work that one out is a bit beyond me ATM TBH.

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Charbon · 16/12/2011 10:53

The needs that led her to do this might be impossible for you to meet Jack.

It might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

Don't assume that if you'd been an attentive husband, this wouldn't have happened, as much she might be deluding herself as much as you, that this is the case.

DT398 · 16/12/2011 11:23

What Charbon said.

This is such a nightmare for you and I have been exactly where you are right now. All of it, including her arranging the counselling (sorry). So you are saying you are up for hours in the night worrying about this while she sleeps like a baby? John's probably just a distraction/symptom from a bigger issue to do with her and you could have been the "best" (whatever the hell that is) husband in the world and you would still be in this situation. Is there alcohol in this story by the way?

As part of the whole looking forward thing, just know that there are a lot of people out there that you could and would have a fantastic relationship with, without all this "lack of trust" and "lack of respect" stuff you have got going on. It's the third time it has happened. Can you even remember what it's like to be in a realtionship without all that stuff in the background? Take my word for it, it's great. Can you have that with her? No idea, it's up to the two of you in the end.

Getting tough is a great idea but you have to mean it and follow through or you really are asking for it to happen all over again.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 11:30

You ask about alcohol. I have to admit I do drink too much from time to time. I don't get violent - never have done - and I've very siginificantly cut back over the last few months so that I'm now well within government guidelines.

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DT398 · 16/12/2011 12:08

I wasn't really asking about you.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 12:11

No, she doesn't really drink at all.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 16/12/2011 12:42

To have any hope of saving the marriage, your wife needs to do all the hard work required - being willing to talk honestly, full transparency etc. Its actions not words that you need to be looking for - saying sorry etc is not enough.

Your wife chose to cheat and she needs to understand why she is doing these things. Remember that she is totally responsible for making these choices.

You are only 50% responsible for the relationship and you certainly can't do the all the work needed to make it work...so if she isn't prepared to do this, then you have your answer.

ilovemyteddy · 16/12/2011 12:59

yy to all of the posts above.

Jack I get the feeling that you are looking at ways to blame yourself too. As MadAbout says - you are only 50% responsible for the relationship and it's your DW's actions that have caused this present situation, not yours.

As Charbon says "it might have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her." That was the reality of my affairs - it was all to do with me, and ultimately I had to be honest about that, and deal with it, in order to save my marriage.

You can't 'compete' with John because in many ways their sexting relationship is a fantasy removed from the real life day to day grind of work, kids and domestic chores. An affair, particularly one in which the participants don't meet, is an opportunity to reinvent yourself so that you can be the person you want to be, rather than the one who is unhappy with their looks/weight/lifestyle etc.

And it isn't unmanly to have a good cry. I mentioned in your other thread to expect that DW will grieve for OM at some stage. You too are grieving - grieving for the marriage that you thought you had. You need to give voice to that grief by crying, by showing DW how hurt you are, and by talking on here and to the counsellor once that gets going. It's much better for your emotional health to let it all out.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 16/12/2011 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 15:09

Thanks. That's helpful.

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ivebeenthere2 · 16/12/2011 15:20

Hey - I've created a login to post on this thread - because the OP may as well have been me a few years ago.

3 kids - caught my wife sexting on multiple occasions.

I'm afraid in my case the story did not end well - we are now separated for over 18 months (relationship effectively ended over a year prior to to the actual physical separation - but sorting out all the financial/ practical/ telling the kids stuff took a while)

My approach to dealing with things was very much like yours - I looked to myself and things I had been doing that were "wrong", but the reality was that she had effectively stepped away from the marriage. She enjoyed the excitement and attention - and her behaviour escalated to her going out with single friends, meeting men, staying out all night etc etc

I gave up challenging her when I found evidence that she was cheating (emotionally or otherwise) - there are only so many times you can go through the process of going "ah ha I caught you", her denying it/ realising she's been caught/ saying "sorry it won't happen again", then going on to do it again anyway.

She was never honest with me about how she felt or the truth of what was going on - and she wasn't honest with herself about why she was doing these destructive things. Looking back there was nothing I could do to change the way things worked out, the ball was in her court to change her behaviour/ commit to marriage counselling etc - but she couldn't do it.

The best thing I could have done was ended things myself sooner - instead I sat back and watched my marriage die over the course of a couple of years. It wasn't fun ..

My advice to you is to say to her "no more" - if it happens again the marriage is over. Do the counselling, don't hide your true feelings, leave it to her to do what is needed to make "you" feel secure and wanted. If she can't or wont do this then your marriage is over - walk away with your self respect at least partially held high.

It's not all doom and gloom - I have lived for 18 months in my own flat, the kids live with me 3 nights a week and they are happy and settled, I'm getting on OK with the ex (we will never be best friends, but we keep things civil), I've been dating and have met someone fantastic. Its good to be in a non-toxic relationship - you forget what it feels like.

It's admirable that you still love your wife and want to do the right things by your kids - but don't loose sight of yourself or your long term future and happiness.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 15:34

I have told her that if there is a 'next time' it'll all be over. She very much has been read the Riot Act so there'll be no excuses, no misunderstanding.

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Original poster

JackMatthias · 16/12/2011 17:07

Feeling sick about going home...

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Original poster

JackMatthias · 17/12/2011 15:53

Things a bit better and more hopeful today; it seems the sexting was an outlet for her; a bit of colour in an otherwise drab humdrum existence...so I am going to try to brighten things up for her if I can...

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misty0 · 17/12/2011 17:47

Good luck Jack

Been following your thread and i feel for you. Good for you for fighting for your relationship.

Keep us posted if you can.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 18/12/2011 14:51

She wants time to herself today and I am giving her this a because apparently lack of this was a cause of the sexting and b because I think she needs to reflect on what she has done and how close she has come to ending our marriage

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Original poster

JackMatthias · 18/12/2011 21:32

...feeling really blue today in consequence. She's gone to bed and I've come down for another old cry, mourning the loss of the marriage I thought I had. It feels like things will never be the same again...

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Original poster

JackMatthias · 18/12/2011 21:39

Just feel really shit. Can't stop crying, big baby that I am!

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mynewpassion · 18/12/2011 23:36

Awww, Jack. So sorry. Its tough but slowly and day-by-day you will get through this. I thought the weekend would be hard because you don't have work to give either one of you a break from seeing each other. At least you got through it.

It will never be the same again because the trust is gone. What you will end up will be either better or separated. But, it will never be like it use to be.

Probably you don't want it to be the same because it resulted in this. I am not saying this is your doing but what you had before wasn't great either. She and your relationship need to change in order to rebuild your relationship. If no change happens, the sexting will likely happen and divorce will be your resolution.

Have a cry and get a bit angry by yourself. I hope that she does feel some remorse in her reflection time and whole-heartedly work to make your marriage better.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 18/12/2011 23:44

Cheers, ma'am! We have been getting on better but we both wanted to make love this evening - I felt it would at least reassure me that she loved me - but before it went very far she withdrew from me and now I just feel so rejected, like my worst fears are confirmed. I'm pretty sure she knows I've been bawling down here but it feels like she doesn't give a fig ATM.

Fuckitty fuck as Hugh Grant would say...

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HopeEternal · 18/12/2011 23:56

Jack, it has previously been recommened that you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You indicated at one point that you were thinking about that.

Do more than think about it. Order the book. Read the book. Then make sure your wife reads the book.

It should open both your eyes.

Then you can begin to move on in whatever way is best for you.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 19/12/2011 01:01

Sorry, guys, have climbed inside a bottle for the balance of the night - only thing that will stop the tears right now. Bit of a weakness for me; in the morning and the cold light of day I will be able to more soberly assess the situation. Until then, adieu....

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