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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
Pantofino · 16/12/2011 21:34

Even the OP apologised for the violence! She pummeled his chest, not gave him a black eye or cut his bollocks off. She said that he wasn't hurt in anyway and was hoping for reconciliation. Hmm This is not DV in the sense we normally speak of it here.

There are indeed double standards. How many threads have you seen..."I want to throttle dh" or "I could murder him" and it is usually as he didn't unload the dishwasher, or undermined OP with the MIL or something. A man could NEVER come on here and say the same thing.

dustlandfairytale · 17/12/2011 07:11

This thread is shocking. I hope you are ok Op but I do actually hope you havent returned to read this tripe.

BoffinMum · 17/12/2011 08:34

I too am shocked at how self-righteous some people got on here. Hope OP is finding support somewhere. FWIW I believe in our culture a bit of upset pummelling is a natural reaction in this situation, and not the end of the world FFS. Now move on, please, and stop overstating what actually happened.

Some people on here find it impossible to walk a mile in someone else's moccasins.

rockape · 19/12/2011 16:22

This wasn't a bit of upset pummelling, Here is the original text for you ....

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

In essence she was being violent when she initially realised he had been unfaithful, she only stopped attacking him because her DD was in bed, she locked him out and then in the morning attacked him twice more. Again with Children present.

You can dress this up in any way that you want to. My guess is that this isn't the first time she has been violent and certainly won't be the last.

Can you imagine the uproar if the op had been a man ??

Double standards, you set us back years by preaching double standards

Regards

springydaffs · 19/12/2011 16:36

If I had the energy I'd add up how many times the above point has been made - a few thousand no doubt. Agree to differ ffs. I can't believe this tripe is still trundling on after 14 effing pages. A woman's heart has been ripped clean out of her chest and she needs support, can't talk to her family, has turned here. And she gets this endless shit, page after page after page of it.

PUT IT ASIDE WHY DON'T YOU Xmas Angry

longgroan · 19/12/2011 21:33

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Teaandchristmascakeplease · 19/12/2011 21:35

How are you lg? Please start a new thread x

longgroan · 19/12/2011 21:40

what kind of people could read a thread about all i described and decide to be shocked and indignant that i attacked my husband, when this was clearly part of my misery too. i wasn't bragging. it's unbelievably shit.
again i will say that he is fine, more than fine. he has the happy memory of 20 year old swedish pussy to keep him sane whilst i am a fucking mess.
mumsnet sucks when the freaky brigade take over

yes yes, it's pc and devils advocate and and and..what to speak up for the most insanely inaccurate position..but for what? do you feel better to make try to me feel worse? what is the point??

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 19/12/2011 21:42

LG Really how are things? I found the first few weeks so so hard. My mind was like a washing machine and my emotions kept going high and then low. It was a very hard time.

Has he moved out? Are you back in again?

longgroan · 19/12/2011 21:42

pah new thread i haven't anything new to say..just it's all still shit, more than shit. horribly terribly horrifically tragically stupidly shit shit shit

longgroan · 19/12/2011 21:45

i'm here he refuses to go, we had a horrible talk, i hit the wall literally saturday, just wound down like a record, could no longer function. landed on the floor crying and couldn't get up again
today i have a sort of high from falling so low i think but its just shit, i hate him and everything

Pantofino · 19/12/2011 21:50

LG - why not start a fresh thread, update what has happened and get some proper support? I know MN has helped SO many people going through this crap. It's a particularly awful time of year for this to happen and I would hate to think you would feel you couldn't come here to rant and get good advice/hugs. Sad

Ignore the unempathic. None of us know how would we would behave in this situation til it happens....

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 19/12/2011 21:52

The only thing that truly kept me sane was mumsnet and having a safe place to talk about how I felt Sad So I'm a bit gutted that you haven't/ aren't receiving the same sort of help I did.

longgroan · 19/12/2011 21:52

and thankyou springdaffs, exactly!
the only good news to report is that im losing weight as too sick to to eat

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 19/12/2011 21:56

Yeah I called the "divorce diet" as I lost so much.

Try and eat when you can, it is so hard. Why can he not move out and give you some space, what is his reasoning? Have you told anyone yet what has happened so you can have some RL support.

LemonDifficult · 19/12/2011 22:16

He has to leave. You need to start creating some 'safe' space around you, so that you don't have to feel invaded by him. It's your children's home, they shouldn't be uprooted - he needs to leave.

Have you told friends?

WarriorQueen · 19/12/2011 22:21

I think what some of you lot have said is really bad form.
The OP has asked for help.

she reacted to what could only be described as one of the most shocking revelations possible she answered the phone to her DH's ow ffs.

There but for the grace of god i say... can all those who have reacted and vilified her really put your hand on your heart and say that you would have sat down quietly and reacted without emotion at such an event?

OP has been honest with us but she still need help to get through this.

I agree that you should start a new thread for the purpose of support and advice on how to get through this.

ThatVikRinA22 · 19/12/2011 23:09

hi again LG

please just try and ignore the self righteous that have crawled out of the woodwork on this thread.
really, just dont answer, only answer those posters who have either been where you are now or want to help. ignore the rest.

have you said anything to anyone who can support you in RL?
have you either told your family or put them off coming for xmas?
have you made a solicitors appointment? just doing it could feel like you are at least doing something to find out where you stand

i am appalled that your DH will not move out. fwiw, i feel you absolutely need to tell your family for your sanity - it may well push him into sheepishly moving out - especially if they are coming over at xmas. would he really want to face them all? i doubt it. it might make him give you the space you desperately need right now.
what a bastard he is.

as for this, on here, please dont let strangers make you feel worse. it just not worth losing sleep over. they know nothing. you do. forget it. and keep on posting if it helps.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 19/12/2011 23:18

Hi please start a new thread or come back on this one to chat.

Tis a terrible thing you are going through and I know that feeling in the tummy well.

It will pass and you will get through it.

My XH refused to go also. He did in the end but took too long..I should have a way to get him out sooner but not easy.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 23:22

hello again

lg I am rather worried about you. Your recent posts have an off note that is frightening me

please do not take some of the nastier posts here to heart, you have had a most fucking massive shock, and really these people who have made you feel even worse should look to their own consciences

I sincerely hope you are ok

your H is being so out of order...is he actually attempting to drive you into doing something silly ?

please don't give him the satisfaction

tomorrow, take a deep breath and start phoning around solicitors

drum up all the RL support you can, and start telling them everything that has happened...do not protect this man from his cruelty towards you

could anybody else who wants to rehash the same old "she shouldn't have him" crap just fuck off please, it has been said enough times now

LemonDifficult · 19/12/2011 23:24

Could he be shamed into leaving? If your father and sister were there with you when you told him to go, could he really refuse? You don't need to say forever, just 'for now'. Maybe even organise in advance somewhere for him to go to and have his things packed.

You need your space. He's not entitled to see you cry and hurt. You are too vulnerable and need to build your walls up again before you can deal with him properly.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 23:25

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ThatVikRinA22 · 19/12/2011 23:42

also worried AF, thats why i came back. that and a friendly pm from a MNer.

what do people want from this woman? really?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 23:43

Blood, perhaps ?

longgroan · 19/12/2011 23:51

its difficult to explain without giving too much personal information. but i'm living in 'his' place and he refuses to go. he's sleeping with the kids.
i told a friend, and her friend but i'm starting to regret it. i had to talk or i would have exploded but i really haven't got anyone. sad isn't it!
i'm finding it almost impossible to function apart from when with ds. sometimes i manage to not think about it almost when we're busy.
the family arrive in a couple of days.
i don't know how i'll get it through it but will try. they are so excited about xmas. i haven't sent the xmas cards or made the decorations or cooked. i'm sinking into sludge
tonight i just got in my car and drove until running out of petrol and had to come home. smoking. haven't smoked for nearly 20 years. just don't know what to do. i really feel like going to an airport getting on a plane and disappearing
just don't know what on earth to do. or even where to go. feel so pathetic
dh just keeps mumbling about sorting things out and saving our marriage, cos we've got kids and we're married..humm and not many other reasons. he didn't even notice i had 5 inches chopped off my hair! i think he's just buying time saying what he thinks he should say until he's built up courage to say he doesn't want to be married
i can't believe he has been fucking a beautiful 20 year old and i'm almost 40. it's so sickening
he admitted the last time he saw her he tried to persuade her to have sex but she wouldn't, when he came home at 3am i woke up and we made love. how fucking special. i just want to tear him/ me apart
i can't believe it, so painful to be thrown away like this by my fucking husband , partner in crime for 7 years. don't know what more to say