please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

[sowhatamigoingtodonow]

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

thought that, just didnt want to say it.

i hope people are happy with themselves. this is someones life and she is clearly in a desperate place right now.

it's not "his" place, if you are married, it is (more than) half yours, because of the dc

are you in military accomodation ?

don't say if you don't want to

but he can be made to leave

((((hugs)))) Oooooowwwwwww.

Why are you regretting telling people? Don't be ashamed, you've done nothing wrong.

I'm guessing the house is tied with his job? It is still 'your' place too, though, and asking him to leave for a couple of weeks is not too much to expect at this stage. You need to get some physical distance. You need to be with your DCs. They should stay at home. Ergo, he has got to go.

oh x post,

so sorry LG

but please - if there is one thing you need to take from this, its that you cannot hold this together alone.

you really should tell your family, and i do feel that would pressure him to move out.
he is not accepting that your marriage is over and in that he is dis respecting you massively - does he think your going to forget this and move forward?

i am so so sorry youre in such horrendous pain. please dont go through this alone.
friends are great, but im sure you family will rally around.

please start to find out where you stand, what you can do. show this git you mean business.
see a solicitor, take someone with you to hold your hand. you need to give this lazy arsed DH of yours a wake up call, on your terms.

you just need to find the strength to do it.

he's not going anywhere, if anyone has to go its me. im finding it impossible to do normal things at the moment and have been leaving the kids with him as much as possible
his attitude is horrible. so mean and verbally cold and aggressive. its like an extra low kick in the guts. the friend i told is nice but i strongly feel that she expects me to move out immediately or else no more sympathy. if you see what i mean. she's kind and smart but hasn't any kids and is 10 years younger than me. i can see she's appalled by my lack of immediate action.
but i really don't feel like i have many options. i really don't know how to fix this

ok, I don't understand why you would have to go, but let's run with it

can you take the dc and leave him ?

family, perhaps ?

would they not take you in at least over xmas while you get something else sorted, once they know how utterly cruel he is being ?

take xmas...and move it to their house

its not just yours to fix, you cant fix it alone.

please speak too someone, in RL, you cant do this alone, i know i would just end up losing it spectacularly if it were me, and for you DC you cant afford that.

if the house is tied with the job, then you still have options.

i realise your still in shock at the moment.
but while you dont tell anyone, its not real. and yes that safe, but it cant go on like that for ever, can it?

you need time and space, and he should, if he has a decent bone in his body, give you that.
if not, what more do you need to know?

i strongly feel you should tell the family. this isnt your fault.
and then, get some advice on the practical side of things, via a solicitor. it give you options. you dont have to take them straight away, but you know where you stand. knowledge is power.

no woman, in this day and age, is ^forced to stay with a cheating man, if you don't want to

you have options

I know it mustn't feel like it at them moment, but the one thing I agree with from the nasty posts above, is that this is not a healthy situation for you

and not for your dc's

his cruelty is going to drive you into doing something silly, I can sense it

sorry to sound melodramatic, but I really hope you can protect yourself from that

because I suspect that you will be playing right into his hands

please just think about what you would have said to someone in this very situation, just weeks ago.

im sure it wouldnt be to not tell anyone and put up with this headfucking?

i need my bed right now, but ill be back LG. AF is right, this is so unhealthy.

take care x

Why are you leaving the children with him. That doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense. There is no reason to believe he is not a capable father, and the OP deserves some time away to think about things and decide what she wants to do. He has clearly had plenty of time to himself to do as he wants, so why should he not shoulder the responsibility of the children for a change? It's the least he can do frankly. And the less time he has to go out shagging around the better as far as I am concerned.

If there's a court case he can argue that she's abandoned them and he is the primary carer. It's not a good move.

Also why should his scumbag philandering impact on her relationship with her kids?

I just can't function the kids are fine with their dad

OP - you sound v fragile.

The family who are arriving for Christmas, can you phone to ask for help? Wouldn't you want to know if the situation was reversed?

I know it sounds like crazy talk but imagine, just imagine that DH moved out (even temporarily) and your family arrived to help. If they were kind and gave you time to clear your head, make some practical decisions etc.

Who are you af to be telling people who to post on a public thread?

Who are you exactly? Get over yourself.

Have read all the crap you got earlier in the thread yesterday, but came back to see how you were.

My first priority would be to get yourself to the GP. really you need support here. Look after YOU first otherwise you will be in no postion to look after your dc.

If your ds has even the smallest amout of sense he will be guessing somethings up.. you need to take the pressure of christmas as emotionally that is just going to batter you even more playing happy families.

If you can lessen the pressure maybe you can start to see what important....(clue here it's not christmas with the relies)

small anecdote not on the same scale buit still:- my parents came round for my birthday tea a few years ago, something was up they weren't happy I thought it was us or them having a massive row. However turns out my arse of an exBIL had left my sister and her 3 dc (5 and under) 2 weeks after moving them from the south coast to Scotland. DParents were convionced they had pulled it off (pretence of happy evening), but I actually felt more hurt that they had thought my birthday was more important to me than supporting my sis.

If you tell just one member of your family it might ease the presure you are under, really there will be more christmases

AF is right in that having a go at the OP because she lashed out under very extreme circumstances is unhelpful to say the least.

OP is clearly in a shit place right now, and she needs support not a slating.

LG I hope you can find the strength to tell your family as soon as possible, you may get some relief by dropping the facade, and they may be able to help you. I'm sure they would want to know.

Everyone I know who has gone through separation and divorce has found the first few weeks and months incredibly hard. You are reeling right now and to make matters worse you have Christmas and relatives coming, so you have added pressures. Most of my good friends and I would be drinking wine, smoking fags, going for long walks/ runs of whatever worked for us in these first few weeks and months. It?s difficult to see the wood from the trees right now. Which is why so many of us have suggested being honest to them about what is going on, so you can have the support you need at this time, instead of trying to play happily families. As that road will only lead to a huge meltdown at some point over the Christmas period. If you need someone to talk to, you can call the Samaritans anytime of day or night, or please come on here anytime you need to and rant to us. You are feeling a profound sense of loss right now and the one person you can usually share that pain with, is the person who has caused it. We lose our best friend and companion in one swoop. You have to work through the pain. I ended up needing counseling and anti depressants to cope and work through it all. Please speak to your GP if nothing else at this time.

We go from being this normal and interesting person to this confused bag of emotions. You need to take one day at a time right now and be kind to yourself. Long baths, eating whatever you can manage; even a banana and a glass of milk will do, or some toast. You are not the failure here, the relationship has failed but you are not the failure.

There are some great books out there and some good divorce recovery courses, where you can meet people going through the same as you, talk about it in a safe environment and make life long friends from the course. When you?re ready these are some practical things you can do, that help. Finding your way ahead, setting boundaries and managing to the children?s wellbeing through good co-parenting all take time. But you will get there. There is hope. And you do have options. Try not to make any rash decisions right now. Give yourself sometime to come to terms with it all. But he should go and stay with a friend for now and give you some head space. That is the least he can do. The children will know something is wrong now matter how little you tell them or how you try to behave. Creating a calm environment for them is the most important thing. I know you want them to have a good Christmas but having a calm mum will make it best for them, which is why we?re all trying to get you to tell family what is going on, so they can support you and help you at this difficult time.

I?m full of cold, so I hope some of this makes sense. I will be away from the PC for a lot of today, but I will check back in tonight. I lived in my pjamas, the children watched CBeebies almost constantly and lived off fish fingers etc in the early days. It is a very tricky time for you, as I said, be kind to yourself x

OP you poor thing, what a terrible shock this must be for you.
I am sorry that some of the replies on here ahve been less than helpful.
Please go and see the GP,. you sounds utterly shocked and devasted and your tone is worrying me.
Your DH is being very passive aggressive, please don;t let him back you in a corner, don;t leave your children, try and be strong and get him to leave or take your kids with you.

Hey there. Thought I would add to the mix. Posted the other day. Partner of 3 years had 2 affairs in last 18 months. My dd is 18 months old. When I found out I smacked him in the mouth, total reflex action driven out of anger, disbelief and the fact that he has continiously lied to me. So yes, we do irrational things when we're upset and angry. I'm not proud of myself but I wanted to make the point that you are not the only one who reacted as you did. You're not alone x . The most important thing is you get yourself sorted. Little steps right now. But please dont let him bully you into suffering in silence. He is in the wrong here, not you x

thank you everyone. i'm feeling so humiliated, a group of his friends, my least favourites, all know as they were with him when he met this girl. we live in a sort of village so i'm sure news is travelling fast. i just want to disappear.
he will not leave, i can't make him. i could leave but don't know where to go. my family are a group of selfish needy individuals, not a support network in any way.
we work together too dh and i, this is our busiest time of year. i'm going to try to see a dr tomorrow. i need to be able to sleep to function and think. i feel so shit, i'm having the meltdown now.

gp isnt a bad idea to get you through this BUT imo the best thing you could do for your sanity and ability to function right now is not to be around him and to involve anyone who will support you emotionally right now.

how are you seriously going to hold this together over xmas?
forget it until after? i dont think so...

if it were me, just one wrong word and i know the turkey would end up rammed up his arse in full view of family and friends.

seriously LG, please take something from the support you are receiving on here, because there are people on here who are worried for you.

I know your head is spinning, but if you do just one thing, just one, it should be tell your family, are you ashamed of what he has done? or are you scared by telling anyone you will be expected to act in a certain way?

no one can tell you what to do, but they can support you in whatever it is you do decide, even it its nothing right now.
x

I haven't got anything else to add to the good advice, I just want you to know, darling woman, that we're thinking of you, and "virtually" bearing you up. I agree you sound so so down, please try and find someone in RL with whom you can share all this, it's too much, like a pressure cooker.

I wish we could do more. Keep posting if you feel it helps you even slightly. There are many many people here who want to support you xxx

I understand your humiliation, and I would not give a man who did this to me the time of day ever again

Remember this though, he is the one who has been idiotic, let his genitals lead him somewhere stupid, trashed his family

it isn't your fault, and if poeple are going to find out anyway, don't hide yourself away like you have something to be ashamed of

the shame is his

please reach out to people...it is more likely you will be pleasantly surprised how supportive people will be, if you give them the chance

many women have been treated badly by men...you are not the first and you won't be the last, perhaps you opening up will encourage confidences from people whose own experiences you are not even aware of

hold your head up high and tell people

don't let him get in first with his version (which will attempt to get some sympathy for him, and buy into people's misconceptions about why men cheat)

you can't do this alone, and although the gp may give you drugs to help you through, you need practical support too

drugging yourself up just to get through xmas seems immeasurably sad

is he feeling sad ? Is he fuck....