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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has capped my household spending.

424 replies

carla · 07/01/2006 22:48

Message deleted

OP posts:
Blandmum · 08/01/2006 11:58

Blimy, if he is an officer in the forces I can give you an idea of what he earns.

My dh is a very highly paid officer in the forces (he is a pilot and gets flying pay....essentialy a form of 'danger money' or retention bonus....other officers of his rank would get paid less). He earns a very good wage, one that we are both happy with and very fortunate to get. He is 43 and had been serving for over 20 years, he has a degree and works very hard for his money, that said it is good money. He brings home around £3000 a month. If carla is getting 1200 of something comparable she isn't doing so badly.

Most officers of his rank (squadron leader) wouldn't get that much

Enid · 08/01/2006 11:59

lol

what a thread

carla, reading between the posts, if you are genuine it sounds as though you have very little true understanding of the state of your finances and are used to spending what you like and dh picking up the bill. Like most spendaholics you feel incredibly threatened by dh suddenly imposing limits as it means you will now have to look seriously at what you actually are spending.

This may be a good time to try and get a bit of control back into your life and really look hard at what money you have coming into the home.

The only statement that really shocked me was that you have no idea what your husband earns - you must have some ballpark figure even if it changes from month to month.

and I agree with everyone who says that £1200 for food and 'household stuff' is a very large amount. We really are lucky enough not to have any serious money worries, although we never take this for granted and live quite frugally (we are both slightly puritanical so like living like this). I work part time and pay a huge amount of my salary in good childcare but even so I still manage to pay for treats, books, swimming, ballet and clothes (although I admit I am very frugal and miserly with money in some areas - my children don't get many toys from us outside christmas and birthdays for example). I shop at Waitrose and farm shops which makes our food bill rather high (although I hate waste so it stretches a long way). In short I am the classic poor girl who married into a very comfortably off family.

dont really know why i have bleated on about me . I know it is madness to try and compare characters and we are all different. I suppose I am just trying to show you that it really isnt that scary looking your finances in the face and admitting to yourself where your priorities lie.

Aloha · 08/01/2006 11:59

Well, her husband clearly does, hence her initial post!

And other people felt that if she does spend £1200 on frivolities (which her initial post appeared to suggest) then she was moaning about nothing in a thoroughly tactless way. Since then the confusion has mounted.

noddyholder · 08/01/2006 12:05

agree with aloha it is a wind up We don't have any real money worries but if I spent 1200 a month like that we soon would!

deaddennis · 08/01/2006 12:12

He's a Lt Col.

rummum · 08/01/2006 12:14

Gosh... hubby doesn't earn that much a month!! [what I could do with that money emoticon]

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 12:17

According to dh a Lt Col would get between £50,000 and £60,000 a year

rummum · 08/01/2006 12:20

martianbishop.... can your DH get my DH a job apprication form...... [quick]

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 12:20

And like Enid I consider myself to be very fortunate not to have any money worries....this has not been true of all my life and I recognise a luxury when I see one. But like Enid we are also quite frugal. The 'top end' of my clothes would be M and S.....most of our stuff comes from Asdas etc. I buy good quality shoes at atound £60 (which freaks me out) but I *don't spend on Jimmi Choos....like my ex SIL used to. I feel no loss at ths, I don't lust after designer stuff, with my body it would look crap anyway!

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 12:22

rummum, there are some down sides, like a third of each year away and nasty little wars.. when they get shot at! But the pay is good.

just as a 'reality' check, in the first 5 years we were married we lost 5 froends to training accidents The cash is very good, but there are down sides....we save a lot....just in case

Aloha · 08/01/2006 12:33

If Carla had posted either

A/ My husband earns quite a lot of money but I only earn X. He expects me to deal with everything to do with the house, and put all the bills/food/kids clothes/toiletries/(delete as appropriate) on a Barclaycard which he then pays off once a month. Normally this all costs around £X. Most of my own salary goes on spending for the children. Suddenly he has told me that if the bills/food/whatever comes to more than £1, 200 he wont' pay for them. He has also gone back on his agreement to pay my tax bill which I now have no savings for. he keeps all the rest of his salary for himself. Is this reasonable?
or
B. My husband earns quite a lot of money. He pays all the bills, for food and essentials. I earn a small amount myself which I use to buy the kid's clothes and treats. Dh also used to let me spend what I want on clothes and makeup etc on his barclaycard, and pay it off every month. Now he's told me he won't pay more than £1,200 a month. Is that fair?

Then we might know what we were discussing.

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 12:35

Got it in one Aloha.

I think if it is two it became one to save face IYSWIM

NomDePlume · 08/01/2006 12:36

f*ck me ! £1200 a month on barclaycard ?! My DH is what would be considered a 'high earner' and there's no way he'd agree to £1200 a month on my B'card !!!! If he pays the mortgage, bills and for the food, I think £1200 is an awful lot of disposable income to spend on toys, clothes, shoes etc a month....

As I say, if I spent like that every month we'd be bankrupt within the year !

Aloha · 08/01/2006 12:37

And my reply would be
A. Not fair as not discussed and you don't have savings. BUT...obviously symptom of larger relationship problem.
B. Fair enough IF you were overspending and refused to cut down despite this causing problems for the family.

sparklymieow · 08/01/2006 14:27

i'm still really confused and I have read this twice now

hercules · 08/01/2006 14:27

Why is there an assumption by a few that her dh must be unfair. We know nothing about him or the background to this. SHe said neither of them had talked to each other for 3 months.

I took it as the food didnt come out of the money.

I hope your alright carla as I wonder whether you were last night.

PennyLess · 08/01/2006 14:56

I am astounded by this thread. I am amazed by the ferocity of some of the attacks on Carla - as has been said so many times none of us has really any idea of the facts, so to attack her as spoilt is just not right. What we should all learn from this is that people's situations are so very different that it is impossible to judge on this sort of thing. And by situations, I don't just mean income, or what we are used to. Just because you live in a big house, doesn't necessarily mean you've bought it - maybe it was a home that was available and convenient when needed - but the bills would be astronomical. Sometimes people pay school fees because they genuinely feel there isn't a choice for a decent education for their children. It doesn't mean they are hugely wealthy, and it doesn't mean that they had any ideas of the "hidden costs" of sending their children to a fee-paying school.

I could go on and on. But I really think we should all take a lesson from this post. And particularly the one that says money doesn't bring happiness. Being married to a wealthy man doesn't mean it's going to be plain sailing...

Chin up Carla. Change your name and keep posting.

Enid · 08/01/2006 15:02

I never understand this thing about private education somehow being a choice

if you cant afford it you cant afford it, full stop

Tortington · 08/01/2006 15:02

well thats my monthly salary. jealousy, bitterness and all horridness aside....

you have a fucked up relationship carla - if i was you i would be very stingy with my money from now on and start some savings. if your relationship is fucked up you might split and then you would have to pay your own bc bill.

once upon a time we used to spend £20 per week on shopping at farmfoods. we were bones of our arses skint. ( hear the violins yet?) now we spend a LOT more its proprtional with our wages.
theres a saying ... sew a silk purse... something sows ear - can't remember it - but its about spending proprtionally what you have to what you got.

so, you spend 1200 on bit of shit - you dont really need, but you can buy it so you do. thats all fine with me - go for it your very blessed to be able to.

if i was you i would seriously open another secret bank account and start saving - becuase if your not talking to your husband and he's capping your spending - for whatever reason AND you have no idea how much he earns - maybe he is in financial shit street - maybe hes just lost 10k at the dogs - you don't know. you have no idea. you can't fo on like this, your relationship will deteriorate without proper and infromed honest communication - next thing you know you will be living off 1200 for essentials and not being able to buy your kids anything frivolous.

above is my main piont

dont buy your kids everything becuase you can. they will not know the value.

MrsSpoon · 08/01/2006 15:04

I still maintain (as I did last night) that this has nothing to do with the money, the sums involved are irrelevent, makes no difference whether this is a big sum of money or not, whether it is more than someone else has coming into the family or not it is a big fat communication problem. Carla should know what her DH is earning and the cutting of Carla's 'allowance' should have been a matter that was discussed and she should know the reasons why.

DH and I have a joint account but I don't touch this without permission I have an 'allowance' paid into an account of my own every month (complicated by the fact that I work from home for DH's company so this is my wage if you want to put it that way). This figure was reached by discussion between DH and myself, I am also aware of what is happening with the rest of the earnings and in agreement with this.

Enid · 08/01/2006 15:04

nice!

Enid · 08/01/2006 15:04
cod · 08/01/2006 15:06

Message withdrawn

pucca · 08/01/2006 15:06

I am not going to change my name for this, but i need to say something, i have lurked and read over this post since last night and i can't hold back anymore.

I don't have anything to say to Carla as such - no advice for her apart from how i bet she wishes she never posted this thread!

My dh and I are far from wealthy, we are currently trying to get a mortgage for a 2 bed terrace with a yard, to get away from renting, we live week to week as far as money goes...but i have to say i am disgusted how Carla has been heckled on this thread! Everybody is different and i just can't get over all the comments on this thread of "you have 1200 a month blah blah blah" and asking such personal questions.

It goes to show that even with money you have problems and things to moan about...so what! we are all human who have feelings regardless of income!

I think the poster posing as CarlasHusband is unforgivable.

MrsSpoon · 08/01/2006 15:08

Precisely Pucca.