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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has capped my household spending.

424 replies

carla · 07/01/2006 22:48

Message deleted

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/01/2006 10:14

Carla buys the food using her Barclay card which her DH pays off. So, C physically buys it but CDH pays the bill at the end of the month

munz · 08/01/2006 10:17

I didn't realise I had done any personal insults? Confused if I have I apologise. am just trying to understand is all - still confused thou. (but that don't take much for me!)

SoupDragon · 08/01/2006 10:20

Oh that wasn't to you personally, Munz, it was to pretty much everyone who posted earlier.

Pixiefish · 08/01/2006 10:21

Having read/skimmed/scanned through this thread I'm confused but it doesn't take much these days...

Regardless of the 'actual figures' involved i do think it's unreasonable of him to suddenly, out of the blue- cap her spending. If they've been discussing cutting back or whatever then fair enough buit then it would be a joint decision. I think the principle here is one of his control over her- which is IMO unfair.

There are loads of ifs and ands here though but if my dh came home and suddenly changed the rules about money then I'd be peeved. As it is dh has his own business and gives me a set amount every month to cover bills and spends- 'the housekeeping'. I have no real income of my own. If however dh came home and said he couldn't afford to give me so much every month for a valid reason then we'd have to cut back somewhere (how I don't know as we're already cutting things to the bone).

if i'm correct then it's more the way he's done it that would be peeing me off than anything.

munz · 08/01/2006 10:21

oh phew started to get paranoid! lol.

noddyholder · 08/01/2006 10:22

so 300 a week to pay for food and other bits and pieces|?That is really generous in my opinion start budgeting and you could save loads.I certainly don't buy clothes books etc every month more like a few times a year.You are whingeing for whingeings sake really and I think you must know you are unless you are used to living the high life.I shop for 3 of us +cats for about 50 a week and we don't eat any crap cook everything and do organic mostly.If I had what you have we would live like kings

SoupDragon · 08/01/2006 10:23

I agree that the figures involved are misleading. It's the behaviour and manner in which it was done that could be considered unreasonable.

Pixiefish · 08/01/2006 10:28

The figures are relative to the standard of living and area that people live in plus what peopel are used to.

WigWamBam · 08/01/2006 10:28

I think the real problem here is nothing to do with money. The real problem is that Carla detests her husband, and because her dislike of him is so strong it colours her judgment of him. Because she hates him she hates everything about him and everything he does, therefore everything he does has to be wrong and designed to get at her. Even his breathing or the way he blows his nose is probably enough to p*ss her off.

The problem is, no-one is always 100% in the wrong - even a*seholes get it right sometimes.

colditz · 08/01/2006 10:29
hercules · 08/01/2006 10:30

I think there is far more to this than the money. HAving briefly read some of carla's previous posts it seems there are lots of issues in the relationship and things are not that simple.

Dare I say that there seems to be a lack of communication in this relationship and perhaps Carla there are more pressing issues that need to be dealt with that are the real cause of this problem. THe capping is clearly a symptom rather than the cause.

I also wonder if you'd had a bit to drink lastnight?

I am sorry if I've been flippant as there clearly are problems in your relationship regardless of income in which you need support.
I dont think you'll get sympathy re only have 1200 for household goods excluding food and bills but I'm sure you'll get support for the root cause.

hercules · 08/01/2006 10:31

much better put wwb!

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 10:41

I still don't understand if the £1200 covers the food bills or not......

.......The whole thread has left me rather dazed if I am honest

ggglimpopo · 08/01/2006 10:41

Message withdrawn

QueenVictoria · 08/01/2006 10:43

Agree with soupdragon on everything.

Also, IMO whats good for the goose is good for the ganda. We all want to scrutinise Carlas spending, just like her DH appears to.

However, i think the important point is that her DH wont allow himself to be scrutinised in the same way.

Fairs fair dont you think? Carla is clearly working too so its not like she's a completely kept woman is it? He wont tell her what he's got to spend each month.

Regardless of how poor carla may be with money, he's hardly setting an example is he?

In this day and age, partners share what they have, as equally as possible. It seems very one sided IMO since he wont tell Carla what he's earning or spending. I dont see he can be in a position to cap anything if he's not being honest himself.

Many of you say you would all be glad of £1200 per month (me included). But if your partner was earning £4000 per month, wouldnt you want a more equal share of that, or at the very least, know what he was spending it on?

Let us ALL be honest now.

joanna4 · 08/01/2006 10:45

OMG I am so glad I did not enter this thread last night!

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 10:46

My point of unhappiness would be centred on the fact that dh was not being open and honest.

Dh and I share all our money, we have joint bank accounts and always have done, even when he was working and I was still a student on a grant. We have never had 'his' money and 'my' money. Each to his/her own...but haveing an allowance wouldn't have suited me. Ir did seem to suit carla and it doesn't now.

I think that readin gbetween the lines she has far more worrying issues than the money. and that is what is really sad in all of this.

mummyhill · 08/01/2006 10:47

FFS do you realise that some of us have to pay all our household bills, food, clothes etc etc from that meagre amount each month???

Sorry don't usually get bitchy but get a life. If your pd off with dh doe something about it don't come on telling us you are hard done by because your spending has been capped. If you can't manage on your own money and an extra £1200/mnth from dh you need to learn to budget.

TeddyRobinson · 08/01/2006 10:49

Totally and utterly confused by this thread!

The upshot for me is just that I think it's most odd for a married couple to have such a set up - I don't get this 'dh gives me a monthly allowance' business, regardless of what each earns. You are a family, sharing a house, sharing the bills that go with it, sharing responsibility for the children - for me, it should all go in one pot and all come out of one pot. Discussions around how much income is available to spend should be joint and the result should be an agreement between both partners. If both understand the financial situation - how much is coming in, how much is going out - then both can spend/save accordingly.

Is this really so hard? It sounds like people complicate matters enormously to me.

puff · 08/01/2006 11:37

I agree (as I often do!) with www. It may well be unreasonable but despite the length of this thread I still don't know, without the specifics of what that £1200 covers every month, excluding anomalies like Xmas.

Did you mention that you and dh haven't spoken for 3 months (I thought I'd read that somewhere)? That in itself sounds dire. I hope you can get to relate soon and try to begin to sort out what is going on in your relationship.

Aloha · 08/01/2006 11:49

This thread is mad and I think Carla is deliberately winding everyone up. There can be no other explanation IMO.

deaddennis · 08/01/2006 11:52

I think WWB is right actually. From previous posts I think that Carla owns her own house, although maybe not the one she lives in and her dh is an officer in the forces, although I could be completely wrong about that. Might give a clue as to his income though.

Are you still drinking Carla? If you still drink as much as you used to, that I imagine is quite a large proportion of your shopping bill.

deaddennis · 08/01/2006 11:53

Sorry that sounds a bit bitchy and I didn't mean it to. I was stating facts rather than trying to be nasty.

Blandmum · 08/01/2006 11:53

I think another possible explanation is that she posted initaily that her dh paid all the boring household stuff, leaving her £1200 for essentialy clothes and luxury items. This was seen as utterly excessive. So she then back peddled to the 1200 covering the food costs to improve her standing, if you like, with other Mnetters.

I could of course be totaly wrong over this and would be happy if this were the case.

Far sadder is that she is living with someone who hasn't spoken to her for 3 months.

Blossomhill · 08/01/2006 11:53

TBH I don't and never cared how much people spend. If Carla wants to spend £1200 on whatever who actually cares? I don't!