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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

191 replies

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 10:48

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

OP posts:
Malificence · 29/11/2011 11:02

I don't think you can, I don't think you should even try - his deceit was on such a staggering scale that he must be bordering on sociopathic.
This man isn't fit to be a husband or father.

Bennifer · 29/11/2011 11:03

How did he manage to cover up the kids and his wedding to his workmates? What a k**b

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 11:07

Forgot to say, his parents don't know about us either. They weren't at the wedding. To be honest I am starting to think he's a sociopath too - I've just read the intro to 'The Sociopath Next Door' (as recommended on here) and he matches pretty much all of the traits listed.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 29/11/2011 11:08

He had her in your house???

That I think is really hard to move on from.

It is a massive massive deceit and I think you will need to think and talk for a long time to decide whether you can and should move past it.

CheeseandGherkins · 29/11/2011 11:09

His parents don't know they have grandchildren??

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/11/2011 11:09

How awful Sad what a bastard he is and well done for being strong enough to kick him out.

Its traumatic enough finding out about an affair but to learn that OW has been staying in your home must make it so much worse...

I would buy a new bed with new bedding, redecorate and move furniture around to see if this helps a bit.

I would also take all the old stuff to your H for him to get rid of - that should help him realise how sick he was to use your home for his antics.

Acanthus · 29/11/2011 11:10

His parents don't know what? That you are together? That you have kids? That you are married? This sounds very odd, OP.

CheeseandGherkins · 29/11/2011 11:10

And you were ok with his parents not knowing about you or them?

ChildofIsis · 29/11/2011 11:10

I couldn't read this and not respond.
Xh didn't have ow in our house but she was our bridesmaid 21 years ago.
It is difficult to get rid of the images.
I just kept telling the images to go away (vocally, got me some strange looks!) and eventually they did.
Xh left 12 weeks ago and it is getting easier, he has no remorse for what he's done and is going to make a life with ow and their child.

He's sorry that I'm upset by it all but has no reason for why he's done it or why he's deceived me for years.

As Malificence says xh is not fit to be a father or husband.
What sort of role model is he for DD to look up to?

You have my sympathies, you are strong and you will cope.
Keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are worth more.

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/11/2011 11:12

Just read that your ILs do not know about you and the kids - how very strange...

HattiFattner · 29/11/2011 11:14

Id check to see if he is not already married, TBH. The fact that his parents dont know about you and the kids is very suspicious.

bubblechristmaspop · 29/11/2011 11:15

Erm socio path alert.

I don't think you can get past this, it's just too fucked up. It runs too deep. His parents don't even know?

Do you think he is a bigamist? Do you even have a marriage to save?

bubblechristmaspop · 29/11/2011 11:16

Xposts. I was thinking exactly that hatti.

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 11:18

Yeah, they don't know anything - that we are / were together, that we are married, that the have grandchildren. I think they suspected he was living with someone but he never told them the truth. I put up with it as they're - well, my husband is Asian (though born here) and they're quite old school and Muslim. I think it's quite common for second-generation British Asians to not be completely honest with their strict parents - I know of another woman (age 37) who hasn't told her parents she's married to a white man. They also sound like they were quite physically abusive towards him as a child, so I wasn't sure I wanted my children to be around them anyway. I've put pressure on him to introduce the children to their grandparents, but ultimately I felt it was his decision.

But when you see it all written down like this - deceit literally everywhere, surrounding this man on all sides - it looks incredible, doesn't it.

OP posts:
pengymum · 29/11/2011 11:20

I'm sorry you are upset and don't want to add to it but it does sound very odd that his parents don't know about you and children. Are you sure he doesn't have another family or families even, somewhere that you don't know about yet?
I had a friend who was never allowed to meet boyfriends parents and family - turned out he was married and had 5 kids with his wife.

SilveryMoon · 29/11/2011 11:20

Oh my Sad I don't even know what to say. It is all so completely shocking. You have done right to kick him out IMO. Good for you.
Stay strong.

fiventhree · 29/11/2011 11:22

Darling, dont even try. I am in the process of relationship rebuilding after discovering my h's internet dalliances, about which he is TRULY sorry.

This bastard is way off the scale, dont even try.

You deserve so much more than this, and it really is out there for you to have.

Huge hugs

bubblechristmaspop · 29/11/2011 11:22

I think you need to tread carefully. If he is "old school" Muslim as you say. It's quite possible, you aren't his actual legal wife.

He seems hell bent on denying to people that you exist.........so...........

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 11:24

MadAboutHotChoc i was thinking about redecorating and would love to get a new bed but i can't afford to do anything like that! it's a superkingsize, cost me loads of my redundancy money... I'm just going to have to do what childofisis says and tell the images to go away.

i don't think there's another family, though he does say there are a few children in the past from girls he knocked up and left.

what a charmer.

jesus. i assure you i'm not a troll but writing it all down i really cannot believe this is actually my life. as you can imagine i haven't told very many people IRL - just my sister and my two best friends.

OP posts:
warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 11:26

bubblechristmaspop he's not old school muslim! he's not religious at all. but his parents are. but yeah, he does want to deny i exist... he says that he wanted to deny it to himself because he couldn't believe he'd got himself locked into a life he didn't want with two children and a marriage at a relatively young age (he's 27). but nobody forced him to do anything...

OP posts:
waterrat · 29/11/2011 11:27

'a few children from the past' ...what?! OP< I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I think you should get some counselling to talk through the path that led to you being with this man and all the lies that surround him. he sounds absolutely nuts - the images must be awful, but they are part of facing up to who he is.....the pain won't last forever.

Igo2work4Arest · 29/11/2011 11:28

OMG I would close the door on this and move on much as it is hard. This man tells so many lies I doubt he knows what reality is and what is not. I would file for divorce asap, sort out maintenance and access for the children and with what he has already done and his amazing ability to lie I would be wanting that to be supervised god knows what he is capable of.

xxx

NeedABrew · 29/11/2011 11:29

How shocking. Lovely that he's knocked up and left a few girls too. What a stand up, decent chap. Hmm

Sorry you are going through this.

pengymum · 29/11/2011 11:35

In my experience, it is not 'common for 2nd generation Asians to not be completely honest with their strict parents'!

You married him and had his children - Why would you accept this? What could the parents do apart from not speak to him or see him and grandchildren.
Uh, sorry they don't anyway because they don't know they exist!

Or do they? He has lied about other things, what else has he lied about?

And this prize hid you and kids from his workmates too - what were they going to do?

I think you really need to find out what is actually true in your life. Find out if you are actually married!

I wish you the best.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 29/11/2011 11:36

How terribly upsetting for you. He really is a complete fucking arsewipe.

Can you find somewhere new to live? A chance to start afresh with your beautiful children?

I'm sorry, I think it's entirely possible that he has another wife somewhere - abandoned perhaps, but he doesn't seem the type to have got a divorce. Sad

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