Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

[warmleatherette]

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

It's all a bit odd..........see he may just be a socio path and a shit. The most probable explanation.

But with the ease he can just erase you..........the fact no-one knows you exist. It's all so odd. I'd actually be expecting another wife to pop in somewhere, you know what I mean?

I think you should do some digging, as if is this case and you aren't legally married, it could affect everything.

I know it's probably not the case etc, but I don't think it will do you any harm to do some digging, for your own protection. As it's all really odd.

Did he tell you about the children after you found out about the affair? Or before? Because if you knew that he had various children to random women I'd say you ignored a pretty massive warning sign about who he is.

If I were you I'd be looking to move, TBH. By hook or by crook I'd get my own place that he wouldn't be setting foot in. You also need to see a solicitor to start the divorce ball rolling, and if I were you I would write to his parents letting them know that they have a (STBX)DIL and two GCs. They shouldn't ever get the chance to be abusive to your DCs but they ought to know they exist, just as your DCs ought to know who they are. You don't want your DCs to feel like a shameful secret when they grow up.

He's a shit. There is no more to it. You can and will be better without him. Don't even think about getting past the OW being in your home, because if you stay with this man he will do it again and again and again. This isn't about him being Muslim, or his parents being strict, it's about the fact that he has absolutely no respect for you. Well fuck him. He's no prize.

Warm, that is horrible for you.

You will not be able to move on until you have proof it is over and proof he is truly sorry. (What would that look like to you? - It can help to tell him that straight)

If he really is truly sorry, what better way to prove it than to move?

However, you need to think through first what you want / need. There is no time limit on that, just take what you need. The world has stopped for you just now and you deserve a wee break, just take your time and don't feel pressured to take any action. Once you have decided what the future looks like for you, you may be able to communicate that effectively to him.

I'm with Chickens, get rid asap, he's using his religion, culture, parents and whatever else he can think of to justify his selfish actions. Be strong, he is not worth wasting another second on.

Op, I think it speaks volumes that you have come on here to post about your h's affair and how to get past that, when in actual fact your entire existance in your h's life has been a lie and you have only thought to mention that second to the affair. What does that say about your own self-worth?

This isn't about the affair.

People have affairs - sometimes they get past them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they can find mechanisms to forgive and move on, and sometimes they can't. How people deal with the fallout of an affair is very much an individual thing.

But your op didn't just have an affair - he has kept yours and your childrens' existance secret from his friends and family for the duration of your relationship.

It would, in fact, not be beyond the realms of normality to keep you a secret from an OW, (while certainly not acceptable), but your children have grandparents they don't know; his parents don't know you are married; you had children together and he has denied their existance.

What did he tell you about his family? What reason did he give for not seeing them? And how has it all come about now that they don't know about you?

And friends? Did you not know any of his friends?

What a horrible situation for you to be in. Your home should be your sanctuary right now. On a practical note, how about you strip the bed, deep clean it, and get entirely new bedding. Just make some changes that help you to feel its all yours.

As for your DH, actions speak louder than words. If he really does want to keep you, the very least he should do it tell his parents about your and their grandchildren. At least then its their choice whether they see them. Right now he is just telling more lies. Whether you want him back is something only you can know. He has been living a double life for some time, I don't see a happy ending with him. You deserve so much better.

I wouldn't even bother trying to "get over" that, tbh

Because that implies you might be willing to give him another chance further down the line

Which you would be very foolish to do

I would say you are well shot of him, he is a liar and sound positively abnormal in his behaviour!

Do as others have suggested, redecorate and get rid of the things that upset you. Then move on and start your life without him. You are worth more than being someone's secret!

And slap a CSA order on his arse - delivered to his parents house aSAp

I am sorry Warmleatherette.

Get rid of this scumbag. Get on to the CSA, and sort your divorce out.
Then sort your head out, what made you think shack up with a man like this in the first place! You are worth so much more than this.

You know, I had a friend. She is a single mum now, she is European. Her dh was Asian. He divorced her when his parents found him a wife to marry. His parents did not know he was married, that they had a grandchild. The boy is 10 now, he is still hidden from his paternal grandparents, but his step siblings have a loving relationship with them.
Amazing, he left his wife and child and filed for divorce the moment his parents told him they were arranging his wedding.... There really are men like this out there!

One of the most hilarious things is that you actually can't get divorced until you've been married a year. So I can't divorce him until May 2012!

wannabe thinking about it, i've never met any of his friends. or any of his family. i spoke to one friend on the phone once when he stayed out all night, ignoring my calls, until 12pm the next day. DH was more concerned that I'd blown his cover with the friend than that I was going mental wondering where he was.

Annulment?

oh dear

this man is going to leave you in deep financial shit

I hope you have locked down all your assets and removed any money to somewhere that he cannot unilaterally withdraw it all

is his name on the dc's birth cert's ?

Not being completely honest with traditional Muslim parents may be common when you're talking about not mentioning you have the odd drink or ate a bacon sandwich. It is not failing to mention the fact you had two kids and got married.

Serious you're well shot of him.

QuintessentialMercury i could get it annulled (sp?) if i had an STD from her via him at the time of the wedding. need to get that one checked as the cache of letters etc i found reveals they had unprotected sex at least once. but might wait until i can get divorced next year, cite adultery and name her as co-respondent (even though she didn't know what she was doing - tough shit).

anyfucker luckily the flat is in my name and i've made all the payments on it - he was paying his half of the mortgage into my account and i made the payments from that, so hopefully that'll be ok? i bought the place back in 2006, he's lived here since 2009 so surely he can't be entitled to half of any equity based on that? we have a joint account which his salary gets paid into though...

his name is on both birth certificates. that's also why i wanted to get married despite knowing he hadn't told his family / anybody about me - just to make it more 'real' in the eyes of the law. i knew it might all go tits up at some point - just didn't expect it to be so soon after my mockery of a wedding.

I doubt you'll need to worry about a divorce, I'd be astonished if he's not already married to someone else.

Is your home rented or mortgaged? In whose names? Whose name are the bills in?

There are alarm bells going mad in my head, and I think the sooner you get a solicitor the better. They'll be able to do some digging on your behalf to check that your 'husband' is even who you believe he is.

I'm going to say it again. Before you start thinking about annulment and divorce........I think you need to actually find out if he is already married.

I don't know why you are dismissing this? The fact he is so worried about his cover being blown.......

This could work in your favour wrt the house.

I would go and seek some legal advice.

I would then call his work and ask to speak to him. When they say he is not there I would leave a message to let him know that his wife called and that you are taking the children away for a few days (just so they're in no doubt about there being a wife/children.

And then I would put the dc in the car and drive down to his parents and knock on the door and say that you'd just like to give them a chance to get to know their grandchildren since their son apparently failed to tell them of their existence.

And then I would take the bastard to the cleaners. Although I would find out for definite that he's not already married, and if he is, then I would have him arrested.

Op-if his family are strict muslim then I will be very surprised that by the age of 27 he is not already married to someone else.

Get him out of your life-he does sound sociopathic and I am afraid this could all turn very nasty for you and your children.

I don't think he's already married, but how do you go about finding out? Search the births / marriages / deaths register?

ballstoit the house is mortgaged - well, it's housing association / shared ownership, but the half that i own is in my name, and so are all the bills.

You need to get some legal advice. You need to find out if he is even who he says he is. It is common for 2nd generation Muslims to go by 2 names. Their birth name and known name.

It really reeks to high heaven. If he is already married, yours is null and void so he'll have no claim on your house.

I'd see a solicitor and raise the possibility. It's not beyond the realms of possibility.

If you're entitled to legal aid, I'd make a solicitors appointment and have a chat with them. My solicitor has an investigator that they regularly use who is experienced in this and will find out pretty quickly.

Or you could just pop to his Mum's to see him, with your DC.

When you opened your joint account did you see his identification? Or is just an account in your name that you both use?