Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

[warmleatherette]

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

Well, of course, there is a huge market for it

and a lot of money made on the back of these pathetic idiots

WL you are doing so incredibly well in the face of all of this. There may be a little crash when the adrenaline wears off, but hang on in there - you're one classy lady!

Thank you Tianc! Though, of course, it's pretty easy to look classy standing next to DH.

Seeing a solicitor on Thursday!

Couldnt just read and run- dont really even know what to say to you, other than, well done for getting that tw*t out of your house - if i was you id get him out of your life for good. Easier said than done though ay sweet? Good luck, re-deorate, buy a new bed, bedding, cushions, sofa, cups etc etc the images and the mental torture will fade in time.
M xx

:) You are brilliant. :)

WL, you are a super-dooper woman. I felt I couldn't read all of the thread and not respond...

It sounds like you are getting your act together, remember to put your and your DC's safety and wellbeing first, and good luck. There will be some difficult times ahead, but you will get through them.

FWIW, it might be worth calling your mortgage company and ask if either you can have a payment holiday, or if you can switch to interest only repayments for while (if you currently repay interest and capital) - might help ease the financial burden on you for a bit!

Ooh yes, thanks annekins - i have a list of things to do this week (STI check and solicitor's appointments, apply for income support, call council tax etc) and will add 'apply for payment holiday' to it ASAP.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I bloody love Mumsnet, I do.

I am impressed too

Saw doctor today to ask for STI test and accidentally burst into tears while telling her what went on. Looks like I'll be able to get some therapy from the 'Crisis Intervention Unit' (lol, the crisis has already happened) so that's good too.

that is good news

Just a very quick visit (should be catching up on uni work but motivation is escaping me!), to say well done WL. I find that dealing with the practical stuff first and popping your emotions in a box to be dealt with at a later date is a very effective strategy for staying afloat.

You are doing so well and should be proud of yourself

I have a muslim friend who has hidden lots from his parents. He is gay and had lots of relationships but always finds a girl to take to his parents, his view is that it is not worth upsetting the relationship. He is 40.

However, hiding your children from your parents is very different. To be honest, hiding a marriage I would not see as that unusual. Perhaps he has left his parents with the view that he will one day settle down and marry a muslim wife. He must have cut off contact completely though to keep it so hidden.

Either way, he is not showing any loyalty to you his wife to keep you quiet and that is worrying.

Thanks for your comments. Saw solicitor today, he said that bearing in mind the legnth of the marriage plus living together (still v. short) and his conduct, he probably wouldn't be able to make a claim - or rather, that he could try, but he doubted any judge would uphold it. Told me to petition for divorce asap next year, and to go for adultery ('He deserves it!', he said). And that I should try to get him to write a signed letter saying he wouldn't make a claim. So that's good. I bought a dress to celebrate, then went to Waitrose to buy wine and nearly cried. The kids are with their uncle now but will be back any minute. Suspect I may be getting a bit drunk alone tonight after they're in bed.

So, bittersweet. At least he's out of my life, but it's so difficult with the children. And I'm trying to mourn the relationship, but everything I'm mourning is a lie or an illusion. He's ruined every memory of the last few years, even my daughter's beautiful homebirth (he'd kissed the OW while I was still pregnant with her.) I know I'll get past this (though I'll probably never get another boyfriend, I am 40 after all, with a post-baby body to match) but it's still fucking hard.

warmleatherette I've been reading and lurking and have no useful advice but just wanted to say my ghast is flabbered at your progress. This has moved SO fast and you are so unbelievably strong. Other people are sometimes still in denial and in pieces at the stage you're at, and you've had a whole secret other life to contend with. You first posted on 29th November when the discovery was three weeks old. So that's just over five weeks in total. It's taken me longer than that to settle into new jobs, let alone adapt to vast, traumatic, emotional change like what you're going through!

I think you're incredible. I'm not surprised you're wobbly and heading for the wine. It's really not surprising in the general scheme of things that right now this is fucking hard. Time does have a way of telescoping when trauma occurs (and trauma is what this is) - maybe you've lost sight of how little opportunity you've really had to absorb what's happening to you.

And bah to nonsense about no more boyfriends. There's threads for that too when the time comes!

a toast to you

Hope you've enjoyed a bottle glass of wine tonight.

Will repeat what I said yesterday...you should be very proud of how far you've come. Lean on those close to you, and all of us on here, to keep the strength you need to wade through the pile of shite ex-H has left you with.

If you can face it, try to set the Housing Benefit/Council Tax Benefit ball rolling as soon as you can. Bitter experience with revenue and benefits department at my local council is that they make a snail look like an olympic sprinter