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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

191 replies

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 10:48

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 29/11/2011 13:38

God Warm, I'm so sorry. How bloody awful for you.

What. A. Cunt.

There's only one good thing about this - he has been so monumentally deceitful, hurtful and downright despicable that at least you know there can be no way back. So you don't have to waste one second of energy at this awful time wondering whether to try and salvage the marriage.

Put all your energy into protecting yourself and your dc. Seek legal advice now.

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 13:39

bubblechristmaspop He does have two names - changed his name by deed poll on our marriage to his new name (my family name - oh the irony!) I know both names though, have seen passport etc.

ballstoit i will - i just want to give him a chance to tell her himself. (as if the last five years haven't given him enough chance, lol.) he says that he told her last week (it was one of the things i insisted on if i was even going to think about taking him back) and showed her photographs but she apparently just said that they didn't look like him and surely one of her children wouldn't be so stupid as to have two children of their own by the age of 27?

but this is just a conversation he's reported, and you can't trust a word out of his mouth.

OP posts:
bubblechristmaspop · 29/11/2011 13:43

bubblechristmaspop He does have two names - changed his name by deed poll on our marriage to his new name (my family name - oh the irony!) I know both names though, have seen passport etc.

You still think he may not be married? He also may have been using 2 names prior to that is what I'm saying. One of my friends has a driving license in his known name and a birth cert in the other......

Also that conversation is bollocks. Strict Muslim families WANT their children married off with babies young.

ComradeJing · 29/11/2011 13:43

Jesus you poor thing. You can't get over this IMO. This is not something to get over. Don't let him back in your life.

wannaBe · 29/11/2011 13:46

op - whether you got the house in your own name is irrelevant - if you are legally married then he would be entitled to half the value, although obviously you could fight this in court.

My cousin's wife left him after eleven weeks of marriage and he had to fight hard to not have to sell his house and give her half the value.

But tbh... I am Shock that you married him even though you knew his family didn't know about you.

Solo · 29/11/2011 13:50

I found out that OW had been in MY house and in MY bed too...He lived with me, nothing was his. I was away training for my job and came home to find make up on my pillow. She phoned me a few days later to tell me. Described my house etc.

I made him buy me new bedding. I let him stay until I was Ok financially (2 months) and then I gave him an hours notice to get out.

Solo · 29/11/2011 13:52

And I don't think it goes very easily tbh. It kind of sticks like mud to your very being. Took me years to rid me of the feelings it left me with.

AntiqueAnteater · 29/11/2011 13:56

I made him buy me new bedding

how could you be so demanding! new bedding - how could the poor man live up to that expectation!

Solo · 29/11/2011 13:56

Pardon?!

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 13:59

wannabe i married him because i thought that maybe he wanted to tell his parents that he had a wife and two children, not just a girlfriend and two children. i thought that maybe they'd dismiss me if i was just a girlfriend, but that a wife was commanding of more respect and acceptance. but six months on from the marriage, he still hadn't properly told them. and now this has happened...

am also freaking out about how i will manage financially on my own... how to pay for childcare for children of 1 and 3? am not working at the moment, have been a SAHM since DS1, apart from the odd bit of freelance work. dh's salary is super-low so presumably he'd only have to contribute 10% per child - 20% - which is less than he's paying me at the moment towards the mortgage.

i know that's not a reason to stick with a deceitful sociopathic tosser. but still. it's all too much!

solo she phoned you to tell you? how lovely of her. Angry

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 29/11/2011 13:59

God, what an awful situation. Has it never felt like you are being hidden away? You are worth more than that and so are your children. :(

Solo · 29/11/2011 14:01

Oh yes warm but I recorded most of the conversation. You should've seen the colour drain from his face! Ha!

Solo · 29/11/2011 14:05

I also made him go to get a HIV test done.
She went on to shag his brother and had a child with him...forever a reminder for him.

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 14:06

elephantsandmiasmas felt hidden away? not at first - see i didn't know he hadn't told work about me until i phoned the workmate, as mentioned upthread, when he still wasn't home until lunchtime the next day. he'd been coming home for months telling me about how he'd told all his workmates about me, had been wearing his engagement ring to work, they'd all taken him out for big drinks and a meal to celebrate his engagement etc. and now i know he was going for said big drinks which were nothing to do with his engagement and then nipping off into an alley to shag his 23-year-old secret girlfriend, before coming home to me. nice.

OP posts:
SuziQuattro · 29/11/2011 14:07

Those who are weak enough to have affairs and cheat are the lowest of the low. The deception factor is too deep to just forget but I wish you luck OP.

NettleTea · 29/11/2011 14:21

Ring working tax credits now and get this sorted, tell them you have seperated.If its a part share housing association then you may qualify for housing benefit on the other part. Its unlikely he will continue to pay the mortgage if he is not there and csa will at least get maintanance which doesnt count towards any benefits.
I hope you are not thinking about having him back? Nothing will change, its too ingrained in personality and culture, and the lying comes part and parcel - lying is not considered as bad a thing as losing family face, so if you blow the whistle on him it will be seen as far worse than anything he might have done or lied about. Just a different way of thinking. He will continue to act the way he has done - the marriage to you means nothing to him - probably did it to get a hand in your property if truth be known, and you will always have been dumped when his 'proper' wife is put before him (if of course, he isnt already married to her)
you have no evidence whatsoever that he has spoken to his family.He hasnt. get to a solicitor and get advice as to how to end this asap (and Ive BEEN married to a 'non muslim muslim' and know many other women who have been through it too) There are a type who are good and honest family orientated, and then there are many man like my ex and your H who are opportunist users, who see us as free meal tickets while they shag their way round the country and lie as a second nature. Best rid.

gettingeasier · 29/11/2011 14:21

So sorry OP no words really

Wannabe is right though if your marriage is valid he will have a 50% claim on your house no matter who paid what. I would see a solicitor pronto

Bloodymary · 29/11/2011 14:26

Omigod, what a bastard.
Get rid of him, and protect your children, yourself and your home.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2011 14:40

if you are legally married he will have a claim on the equity in your house

I am really sorry

he will also be liable to pay support for your dc, but going off his record so far, i doubt you will see a penny

you must get legal advice, and quickly

I cannt reiterate that strongly enough

a man like this is going to shaft you good and proper, if you do not get the professional advice you need

we can only guide you...you must find out your individual circumstances
ring around solicitors in your area that offer a free half hour consultation, and tell the absolute truth as you know it

they will point you in the right direction

Woman Aid, in the first instance may be able to recommend a solicitor to you, and give you contact numbers for CSA, CAB and also listen while you get it all out

you must move and not let him take advantage of your shock and indecision at this time

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 14:53

keep yourself hidden from his family then use that as bargining tool if he wants money at divorce.

I wouldn't contact family, could bring even more trouble with them medling anyway, the fact hes kept you secret is a bonus IMO

if he is already married, you are off the hook re finance

NoMoreWasabi · 29/11/2011 15:26

Hang on, he will NOT automatically have a claim on her house due to them being married since May. However he might be entitled to something, based more on his contribution rather than the marriage. Get legal advice ASAP, it is essential.

AnyFucker · 29/11/2011 15:31

NMW, it will be included in any settlement though. It is unlikely there will be a forced sale, but may reduce other support he has to pay.

If they are legally married. I doubt it.

tigermoll · 29/11/2011 15:38

He didn't just keep you secret from his family (which you could, to stretch a point just about accept was maybe because they disapproved of his r/ship with a white woman/non-muslim, etc) but he kept you secret from his friends too?

This is a very, very bad sign. It makes me think that there is another wife out there, or something bigger than a bit-on-the-side girlfriend. And he has CHILDREN that he never sees? When did that all come out?

He is a frightening weirdo. Get out and stay away from him.

TooEasilyTempted · 29/11/2011 15:44

You've never met any of his family. You've never met any of his friends.

You married and had children with him and have never quesitoned why you, or they have never met his family and friends.

There is the issues over his two names.

"There are a few children in the past from girls he knocked up and left".

And the thing you're most bothered about is the fact that the OW stayed at your house? Really? That's what you want to get over?

I can honestly say I don't know anyone that would get married and have children with someone under the circumstances you described. I think the fact that the OW stayed at your house is the least of your worries. You need to forget him and the OW, and do a lot of work on yourself.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 29/11/2011 15:47

Where did you meet him, OP?

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