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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just discovered H's affair - how to get over the fact OW stayed at my house?

191 replies

warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 10:48

Discovered DH's affair three weeks ago. He'd been seeing a girl from work. It was an emotional affair that turned physical in March this year, and ended when she moved to another country last month. She didn't know he was married with children and thought he was her boyfriend.

The icing on the cake? We got married in May this year. We'd been together five years, have two children, age 3 and 1. He's made a mockery of my life.

He also regularly invited her, and lots of his mates from work, to party in our house at weekends, while I was taking the children to visit my parents. He'd hide all the kids' stuff in their bedroom and keep the door shut.

Turns out none of his workmates knew about his wife and children either - he explained away the women's clothing around the place by saying that I was his flatmate who he used to shag, had moved in with, and was now broken up from.

I've kicked him out and he's staying at his mum's. He's promised to get therapy and sort himself out etc, do anything to keep me / us, but we'll see. I don't feel the same about him any more. He's ruined everything.

My question is: how can I get rid of the images of this other woman in my house? Falling asleep in my husband's arms on my sofa? Watching my television? Drinking my coffee in the mornings? I feel like my space has been completely violated. Have any of you had the OW in your house? How did you get over it?

OP posts:
warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 15:48

Ok, thanks tooeasilytempted. And thanks everyone else for taking the time to post. This has been an eye-opening, if depressing read. "Frightening weirdo" is just about right. calls solicitor

OP posts:
warmleatherette · 29/11/2011 15:49

elephantsandmiasmas - on the internet. massive lol. never trust anyone you meet on the internet, eh? everyone was right all along.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/11/2011 15:53

Don't run away, WL

we are here to support you

oldwomaninashoe · 29/11/2011 15:56

He, most likely already had a wife as a result of an arranged marriage, who he has left, or is "working away".
I know of an unfortunate woman who married a Muslim man in these circumstances.

The level of deceit is staggering. He has lied to you, his friends, collegues, his parents and the "girlfriend"

Do seek legal advice asap and be completely honest and open with them.

brainbird · 29/11/2011 15:59

I NEVER say pack your bags and run for the hills, but here I will! Please don't consider forgiving him because this man does not know HOW to be honest. Talk to a solicitor to find out if you are in fact married, and, if you are, file for divorce. On divorce, it doesn't matter whose name stuff is in, it will be split according firstly to need. You will have custody of the DC so YOU will have the need and should be able to keep the house. Good luck. You should also get some maintenance.

Poor you, this must be such a very great shock (although perhaps an inner voice told you some time ago that the PILs not knowing about you was a bit of an alarm bell).

WhoWhoWhoWho · 29/11/2011 16:01

I agree with the other posters that this is about much more than the affair. He has obviously been keeping secrets on whole other levels. The hiding your existence from his colleagues suggests to me too that there is a bigger lie still hidden. TBH if he were already married before marrying you it would be a relief in some ways. It would make your short marriage null and void, as it stands he could possibly claim for half of your assets! Definitely speak to a solicitor, and try to do some digging regarding him, look up all known names, any colleagues/friends/relatives you know of, dig dig dig.

The fact he can effectively lie to so many people is quite shocking and scary! Shock

WhoWhoWhoWho · 29/11/2011 16:05

I know it's easy to say but please try not to worry about how you will manage money wise, you will receive CTC, CB, possibly housing benefit, CT benefit, income support if freelance isn't bringing much in currently, and hopefully some maintenance.

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 16:23

Looking at his past behaviour I would be inclined to think that he is not going to want to let anyone know about you now and this should be the route to a quick and simple, you get to keep assets divorce. You don't need to threaten him, just put the idea into his head that you could blow the lid off his secrets.

His family could go either way, either you are a shameful part of family that they want to 'erradicate' or you won't be rid of them, unless that is what you want ( I married into muslim family and there is a different mindset which requires understanding ).

You really have to look at 'the cards' you hold now, remove your emotions and tread carefully. he has told so many lies on so many levels. Don't tell anybody anything which isn't useful to you.

Get a good solicitor, a very good solicitor

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 16:32

Also I am not sure he could get half the assets; when I went for divorce my lawyer was concerned that my name wasn't on house deeds and we had moved into house ten years previously together ( 2 DCs ).

Subsequently H died anyway and left no will. with probate the wife gets the first 250k of estate then rest is held in trust for DCs - H had not insured the mortgage however lawyer said if he had the estate would have been more than 250k and I would have had to go to court to prove I already own half the property producing evidence to that effect to prevent % of property being tied up in trust.

Youve only been married 6 months as well.

Hope you have changed the locks

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 16:33

Soory, forgot to add I had been married for 12 years

mumof4sons · 29/11/2011 16:53

I'd chuck his stuff on his parent's front garden. Then go straight to a solicitor.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your children.

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 17:01

The kneejerk reaction to make his parents aware right now is frankly dangerous; save it OP

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 29/11/2011 17:07

OH is 3or 4 gen British Asian, though he is Sikh. He had a lot of Muslim friends growing up, some very ?old school? families some not.

Every one of the friends from old school families were married by 25 at the latest, with most by 22.

One of the few that he is still in contact with had an arranged love match (they knew each other from school, got married at 19 , she was just 18) they agreed to not have children till they finished uni, and then till they both had a bit of job experience, as you do.

The year he was 23 they had the 2 sets of parents arrive and whisk them away to a fertility clinic where the parents had made appointments for his wife as there had to be a problem after all they had been married over 4 years and no babies. . . . (love that they assumes it was her ?fault?!!!).

What I?m trying to say is that if the family are that ?old school? him not been married with children at 27 would be a big cause for concern.

So assume he is and get a good solicitor

bubblechristmaspop · 29/11/2011 17:07

Yes don't go running to the parents. For two reasons. They are going to stick with their son, you will be the shameful outsider.

They aren't going to make him step up. They will just want to erase you from history as you will bring shame on them. Frankly, potentially dangerous. As sugar says.

Chances are if he has another wife, they are going to do all they can to make sure, you don't interfere with the family status quo. They won't be your saviours in this.

clam · 29/11/2011 18:57

"getting over the fact" of him shagging OW in your bed implies that you're intending to stay with him. Please say you're not.
And besides all that, it's the very least of your problems with this man.
So sorry.

FabbyChic · 29/11/2011 19:14

You need to move the furniture round, change bedrooms and redecorate, make it a different home if you cannot move.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 29/11/2011 21:03

I wouldn't be going anywhere near his parents either - I don't see what good it will do in the long run.

Either they are as he says they are (unlikely) in which case you wouldn't want them around your dcs, or he is already married (much more likely reason you haven't met them and they nothing nothing about you) and they will view you as the other woman.

SirSugar · 29/11/2011 21:49

His wife could be abroad, arranged marriage

UnlikelyAmazonian · 29/11/2011 22:15

Who was at your wedding? Who was the best man and were any friends there at all? Was it a registry office do with just a staff member as witness? Was it a uk wedding or did you get married abroad? Were marriage bans posted etc? Why did you marry him?

SnapesMistress · 29/11/2011 22:27

I would hire a private investigator if you have the money.

Heleninahandcart · 29/11/2011 22:47

OP please see a solicitor immediately. Do not let him know you are doing any of this. If you are legally married, he would usually have some sort of claim on your house, although this may be small. If you are not legally married, it is very unlikely. I have no idea what the grounds for an annulment are but this might actually be your best route to avoid him making any claims. Again, this is why you need a solicitor and fast.

FabbyChic · 29/11/2011 22:59

This is horrendous I feel so bad for you. What an out and out cunt.

Keep talking and take the advice given here, you need some sound legal advice.

warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 07:26

From what he's told me about his family, only his father is really 'old school' Muslim, so maybe what I posted up there has been a bit misleading. And I think he drinks and smokes anyway...

Apparently his mum and dad didn't have an arranged marriage themselves, they married for love, she converted from Protestantism (she was born in the UK, the dad was born in India, they met in India then came back here), and doesn't wear a veil, or force her daughters to.

So I think though the parents do visit the mosque and celebrate festivals they're not completely hardcore. None of his other siblings are married (they range from 22-33, two brothers and two sisters) and they all live at home.

Of course, this is all based on things he's told me and photos he's shown, so could be a crock of shit. My gut feeling is that there's no previous marriage - but as many of you suspect, gut feelings are useless with this lying man, and he is capable of pretty much anything.

unlikelyamazonian the wedding was all my friends, my family. nobody on his side. the best man was a male friend of mine who DH got on with quite well. it was a uk registry office do, but not a little tiny one, a big one. we married here and banns were posted.

why did i marry him? i don't know, i felt that as we had two children we might as well, and i wanted to make it legal, and special, and thought it might offer me some financial protection as i had given up work to be a SAHM, and felt that if we were married it might make his parents accept me more easily than if i was 'just a girlfriend'. i don't think those are such terrible reasons, are they?

i don't think i'll go running to the parents. as sirsugar says, it's good to have something to hold against him. also i'm interested in what a few of you have said about muslim families - like what is this thing about 'saving face'?

i've noticed that about him, a fixation on what people think. he hated anyone talking too loudly in public or us having a mini-disagreement in a supermarket etc. public appearance seemed more important to him that what went on behind closed doors. but maybe that's just a him thing rather than a muslim thing?

sorry, rambled on a bit!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/11/2011 07:39

How old are your DCs?

warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 07:55

they're 3 (born june 08) and 1 (born jan 2010).

OP posts: